It's back to school. Hurrah.
I have class at 10am every day (except for Thursdays), which is kind of early. It's not too bad. I'm really beginning to think that programming will be the death of me. I'm taking E177 (Engineering 177 - Advanced Programming with Matlab) and let me just tell you that MATLAB must be the worst programming language... EVER. Then again, that might be because I learned C and Java first. Ugh. It frustrates me.
Besides for school, life is coming along. I still need a job... desperately. Otherwise, I'm getting along fabulously (aka swimmingly).

So I have jury duty this week (even though I'm not registered to vote). It really, really sucks. So I had to get up at the butt crack of dawn so I could get myself to downtown LA by 7:30am. And for all you LA people, you know what traffic is like trying to get downtown. Then, I sat there waiting to get called into some case until 11:00-ish. Then, when I'm finally called, they decide that it would be fun to send us elsewhere. Yay. Then I got to drag myself over to the West LA court in Santa Monica. Great FUN! (are you sensing the sarcasm?) First, I had lunch with my sister and her co-workers since she works about five blocks away from the court. Afterwards, I headed over to the Santa Monica court. According to the directions, the parking lot for the jurors is off of Butler from Santa Monica Blvd. I drove up and down Butler, but could find no parking lot. So then I found a residential area, parked there, and walked over to the court. I entered the main building as I there was no directions as to where to go. After going through the usual security checkpoint (similar to the one at airports), I am informed that I was supposed to go to Trailer 1. That's right. You heard me folks. TRAILER 1. I proceeded back outside but still had no idea where I was going. Then I saw it. It was a dingy looking bungalow with a small, yellow "1" painted on the outside. Lovely. I went inside and was told that there was a delay, so that I should just wait. Around 2:30-ish, the clerk tells us that one of the two cases that needs to be tried had been settled, so thirty people could return home and call their jury duty served. Of course, unlucky as I am, I had to stay. So around 3:15-ish, they finally call us in. So there are thirty of us and only fourteen are needed to serve on the jury (twelve on the jury, two alternates). When we get in, they call 21 people to sit in the jury box and in the area in the front of the court. Yep. I'm one of the nine still in the audience. After everybody is seated, the judge tells us it's too late to begin the selection process, so they want us all to return tomorrow at 10:30am. Great great great. What a complete and utter waste of a day. Sigh.

Heh. I saw Cheaper by the Dozen last night. It was amusing; I liked it. Maybe it's because I like Steve Martin and Bonnie Hunt. Yeah, I know it's silly, but that's what makes it so amusing! =]
I'm watching the Seattle-Green Bay game at the moment. Seattle is finally stepping it up. It's about time! Since Minnesota decided to be dumb asses and not make the playoffs, my team of the moment is Seattle. I guess I feel bad because I was rooting against them on the last game of the season and Matt Hasselbeck was my fantasy football quarterback. In any case, GO SEAHAWKS! =]

I saw Something's Gotta Give last night. I liked it. =] Of course, I tend to like most romantic comedies, so that's not really a surprise. It was highly entertaining. Yeah yeah. I know you all are thinking, "But it's an old people's movie! It has two old people as the leads (i.e. Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson)!" Yeah yeah. But that's what makes it so entertaining! Besides, Keanu Reeves and Amanda Peet are also in it and I know you all think THEY'RE hot (because they are). Heh heh. So yeah... go see it! =]

I am SO ready to go back up north. I guess I had forgotten how boring it is in Torrance. Eh. But what could I expect? "There's no dancing in Torrance!" Sigh. So sad.

So I was hanging out with Christine tonight and we went to Chili's for a late dinner. There was this really cute waiter there (as always since they like to employ cute guys). Anyhow, we asked our waiter for the other waiter's name and whatnot whatnot. Then we were discussing pick up lines and we decide to use one on the cute waiter. I consult with Brian to make sure it's not a crappy pick up line. He thinks it's amusing, so we decide to use it. So the cute waiter comes along with our bill (I guess our waiter had him bring it to us) and he's about to leave, so Christine says, "Wait. Come back here." Whereupon she says, "So I was wondering.... is that a keg in your back pocket?" And he's kind of confused and asks, "A keg?" She says, "Yeah... because I'd really like to tap that ass!" Hahahaha. We were amused. He kind of laughed and then left. Eh. It would've worked on me.

Well, I'm back in Torrance. I got in around 3 this morning. What a LONG drive. I guess I had forgotten what it felt like to make that drive. Bleh. Then I get to drive back up in January (but at least I'll have my Solara this time around).
So I went to the Raiders game on Monday. Wow, they suck. So disappointing. But it was fun. I met Brian's brother, too. He's amusing. =] So it was all good.
Didn't do a whole lot today. Had lunch with my mom and then went to get boba with Kazu. Good times, good times. I'm supposed to go hang out with Bryant later tonight. I called Robert, too, but I think he's spending time with his family and I wouldn't want to intrude on that. My sister went to Vegas for a couple of days. So yep. Pretty much home alone with my mom. I wonder how long the peace is gonna last. Haha.

Well, the semester is over. School-wise, I think this has been the worst semester to date. After taking cs164 (compilers) and cs170 (algorithms), I just realized how little I care for CS. This isn't the major of my choice and I no longer have any motivation to do well in it. Before, I had at least a little bit of interest in what I was doing and I always had the motivation to do well. But this time around, I just couldn't get myself to do it. I now have this feeling of strong dislike for the subject, bordering upon hate. I can't imagine myself programming at a computer for the rest of my life; that's not the path I want to take. I laid out my plans for my future before I decided upon coming to Berkeley. I thought I would be fine getting a Bachelor's degree in computer science, to please my parents. And later, I would go back to school and do what I wanted to do with a Master's degree. I still have that plan, but it becomes increasingly difficult to feign interest in a subject I care so little for.

I wrote this over Thanksgiving break while I was sitting at home in Torrance. I guess I just didn't get the chance to post it:
For the first time in a long time, I looked through the box of all the stuff that Tony gave me (the one I stuffed into my closet because I couldn't stand looking at it anymore). I had forgotten that I had written so many letters to him, letters I didn't even give him. Looking at them now, I'm so glad I didn't give them to him. I think they were supposed to be therapeutic in writing and weren't meant to be read by anyone but me. As I read through them now, it's like a whole different person had written them. I had almost completely forgotten what it felt like to feel that naive first love. I had almost completely forgotten about how I felt about Tony. It's kind of sad, actually. I never wanted to forget that feeling. I guess it just faded away into the past. But reading them again now, I remember how hard it was for me to let go, how much it hurt to give up on my first love. I remember those nights when I stayed up crying because I was afraid I'd never feel the same way about anybody else. I remember being greatly saddened because I wanted to be a part of his life in some way, even if I wasn't his girlfriend... yet I was still pushed away. And as young as I was, I really do believe that it was love. That's simply because I have always wished him all the happiness in the world, something that he couldn't find with me. As much as he ever hurt me, I still think about him; not that I want him back or anything, I just like to think back on those days and smile. We were so young and naive, yet those feelings could still be evoked, proving once and for all that love doesn't have to do with age.
As much as the whole thing ever hurt me, I'm really glad it happened. I wouldn't be who I am today if things didn't turn out the way it did. I became a whole lot stronger after the incident. I don't really blame anybody for it anymore. It's something that everybody has to experience. To lose love is to appreciate it even more when it's there. I think, in a lot of ways, it really helped me learn more about life, love, as well as people. Most of all, I learned how strong I was. I know it's something that everybody goes through: the loss of love. And as much as it hurts in time, it eventually fades away. I'm glad I didn't let it affect my ability to be happy.
Then there was Eric. Even thinking about it now is difficult. A couple of weeks ago, Brian asked me about him and at first, I didn't want to talk about it. Eric and those events were shut away long ago and I didn't reveal much of it to anybody. I just chose to forget about it rather than deal with it. But in a lot of ways, that wasn't good for me because it's just been festering inside of me for so long. I just refuse to think about those times and how young, immature, and gullible I was. After thinking about it for awhile, I told him about it. Brian's the first person I've really opened up to about it. It gave me a feeling of relief, like I had finally lifted this weight off of my shoulders.

Here's something I wrote as a reminder to myself to not be fooled by any guy:

Will you be there on rainy days?
Will you be there when I call?
I need to know, so tell the truth --
Will you catch me if I fall?

Do you really care for me?
Do you know me as a friend?
Can I always count on you?
Will you be there 'til the end?

Would you hold me if I cried?
Will you be there by my side?

Some things are best left unknown...
These answers may decide our fate
So if you love me, then tell me so.
It's now or never else it be too late.

Tammy reviews Final Fantasy X-2:
This is the first game in the Final Fantasy series to be a true sequel. It definitely strayed from the conventional style that has defined Final Fantasy in the past. Game play was non-linear; given an airship early in the game, the player is free to move about the fantasy world of Spira as s/he chooses. Each location provides "missions" for the heroines to complete; it's very Charlie's Angels-esque. The story is much lighter than its predescessor, complete with more upbeat and fun music (although, composer Nobuo Uematsu is noticeably absent).
Expecting a whole lot more after the amazing game that was Final Fantasy X, FFX-2 was a bit of a disappointment. It was extremely girly and cheesy. But what can you expect from girls like Yuna and Rikku? I also missed the Crystal Theme that is usually present in traditional FF games. That's not to say the music wasn't good because it was. What was most frustrating of all about this game was that there was no possible way I could've completed 100% of this game without a guide. That's a bit annoying since I'm a strong advocater of beating a RPG game solely based upon your own adventuring skills sans a walkthrough. That simply wasn't possible with this game. And once we found out there was an extra ending scene for getting 100% completion of the game, there was no stopping us. (By us, I mean Brian and me). Which meant we spent six hours levelling up to their maximum capacity and then proceeding through the extra "dungeon" of the game (a 100 level 'cloister') to meet a fiend that supposedly had the highest level on every stat (i.e. 999,999 HP, 9999 MP, etc). How the hell were we supposed to beat that without some sort of hint as to how to go about it? Consider the fact that this fiend could hit in the range of (20,000-50,000 HP) whereas our max HP was 17,000. Without some sort of guide, we would've never gotten through it. What hell. After finally completing the game, we got that extra scene. Let me just say that it was the BIGGEST disappointment of all. It wasn't even a real cut scene! So my suggestion to you if you're planning on playing this game (or already are), DON'T bother trying to get 100% completion or going through the Via Infinito Cloister of Trials in Bevelle. Don't do it!
In any case, it was a nice distraction from school. I guess I should go study now =].

Back in Torrance for the brief Thanksgiving break. I wasn't supposed to come home this year, but then plans change. Brian and I were supposed to stay up in Berkeley and have a nice, quiet dinner to ourselves, but obviously, that didn't turn out as planned. Turns out, my sister is on vacation in New Zealand (along with Rick). My mom is in Shanghai (doing who knows?). My dad is in Europe on business. So of course, they need me to come home and take care of the house and dog. Shmeh. That's the way the ball rolls.
Anyhow, Brian is coming down later to spend Thanksgiving with his family. Since I'm all alone here, he invited me over. It's a little scary because it's kind of a holiday to spend time with family and whatnot, so I feel a little out of place. Well, you all know how uncomfortable it is for me to be around family during "family time." Actually, being around family in general makes me a bit queasy. I just don't know how to deal with parents; I just want them to like me and approve of me dating their son, you know? In any case, I'm going to pick up Brian from Ontario airport and then we're driving to his mom's place together. Kind of far from Torrance, but what can I say? I love the boy and just want to see him.

For everything it's worth, I never meant for things to be hard for you; it was something between me and him. And a warning for you, too. You're in for a hell of a ride.

"She thinks she's fine -- fine enough to blow ya mind! She thinks she's bad -- get on the floor and shake that ass!" -Britney Spears, (I Got That) Boom Boom
Damn. Britney's hot. =] "I got that boom boom that you want. Whatcha need all night long -- hurry up before it's gone! I don't think you should wait or it might be too late!" All she has to do is use that sexy, raspy voice of her and she exudes sex appeal. Yeah, yeah. I know she can't sing, but DAMN! SHE'S HOT!
So I'm going to "review" Britney's latest album In The Zone. This is definitely the most daring of all of her albums. It's completely different from her previous albums. All the songs have a dance and R&B style to it. It takes some getting used to because it's so different from her usual pop songs. But after listening to it a couple of times over, the songs are definitely starting to grow on me. The lyrics are raunchier -- "Another day without a lover, the more I come to understand the touch of my hand." *shrug* I guess we'll see how that goes. =]

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall..." -Confucius
I think this is something everybody needs to realize.

So I've been thinking about how much I've grown since coming to Berkeley. It's interesting how events really change a person's thoughts, ways, and beliefs. Coming out of high school, my friends were the most important people in the world to me. After all, "boys come and go, but friends are forever." After everything I went through in high school, I knew who my friends were and I knew they would always be there to answer my call. I remember telling my ex about how I would sacrifice anything for them, even if they asked me to give up on a guy I happened to be dating. Isn't that ironic?
Friendship is more than just an acquaintance; it means so much more. S/he is someone who wants the best for you and stands behind you in every decision you make, even if s/he disagrees with it. S/he is someone who is always right there behind you, ready to catch you if you fall. And you know it's a true friend when you don't have to "look behind you" to make sure that s/he is still there supporting you. I feel lucky to have friends who are all of those things; some people aren't that lucky.
Beyond that, I've learned so much more about myself and what I want and need in life. After being in a relationship for five years, with some guy or another, I went without for a month and then jumped right back in. It's not so much because I don't know how to be alone, but mostly because I've learned not to question myself -- to seize the day. But in that month that I was by myself, I realized that I could be fine on my own. All this time, I was scared to be alone because I didn't know what to do if I didn't have anyone to tell me how great I am, how much they love me. It wasn't until I was truly alone did I realize that I didn't need people to tell me that as long as I believed it. At first, it was difficult because I had been pummelled down to believe that I was worthless, that I didn't deserve his love, or anybody's for that matter. As hard as I tried, it just wasn't enough... because I wasn't enough. As time passed by, I saw things more clearly as the emotions that clouded my vision slowly lifted. It really wasn't about what anybody else thought about me; I should know better.
Now I realize how much I've missed out on because I was constantly making myself be someone I thought other people wanted. What I didn't realize was that all I wanted was to live life for everything it's worth and to do it for me.

Is this not the sweetest thing ever? =]
"I don't see why people spend so much time looking into the heavens searching for sparkling stars, when the brightest ones are found here on Earth. It is amazing that the one I found was allowed to fall into my arms, as I am continually blinded by the luminescent beauty that radiates from every look, gesture, and smile."
[quoted from Brian's profile]

I had the best birthday this year.
Friday: Had my BIG celebration dinner at Hua-Hin. Yes, yes; it's a Thai restaurant and I don't like Thai food. It just happens to be the only semi-decent restaurant in Berkeley that eveyone could get to (not enough cars to go elsewhere). Anyhow, lots of people showed up (I didn't realize I knew that many people). So I had my suitemates on one side of the table and my CS friends on the other side. But yeah. It was fun. After dinner, we went over to Li's place (thanks for letting me borrow it!) and proceeded to get drunk. Heh. That was fun. I'm quite amusing when I drink. We had an orgy-like thing. After awhile, I kind of just passed out on top of Brian (after making out with him for a good amount of time first, or course). In any case, it seemed like everybody had fun, so that's all good.
Saturday: Ed drove up to celebrate our birthdays (Brian and me). So Holly, Ed, Brian, and I went to House of Prime Rib in San Francisco. Mmm... prime rib... It was really good. Then we had to HAUL ASS to The Geary Theater where we saw Les Liaisons Dangereuses. We were running really late after dinner and we were speed walking for a mile from the restaurant to the theater. We actually made pretty good time. After the play, we headed back to Berkeley where we went to Mondo Gelato for ice cream. Then to our spot...
Sunday: At the lookout spot, I had the most amazing, wonderful moment of my life. Brian gave me a beautiful ring from Tiffany's. From that moment, I pledged myself to him and him to me.... That night, he made me dinner and we had champagne to celebrate our many special moments to come. With him, forever really does mean forever.

As a full-fledged American citizen, I have yet to register to vote. I get the impression that people look down on me for that. "It's a privilege to be living in a democratic society in which you have a say in what goes on." Yes, yes. I get the point. Americans are spoiled because we have a so-called democratic bureaucracy. Well, if votes are so important, how is it that we give the "privilege" of voiting to idiotic, ignorant people? Here is a snippet of a conversation I had with one of these types:
Person: "I hate Republicans. All they care about is taking care of the rich. I'm voting for everything/everyone that is Democrat."
Me: "Uh... do you even know their platforms? Do you even know what half these propositions are about?"
Person: "No. But I'm going to vote anyway because my vote counts and I don't want Republicans to win."
Me: "Uh... all right. You do that."
Person: "Come on. Let's go."
Me: "I'm not registered."
Person: "Why not? There are SO many people who don't get that privilege and you're letting it go to waste? Don't you want a say it what happens?"
Me: "Well, sure. It's a privilege. But I'm not about to make a stupid vote. I'm ill prepared to vote: I don't know the propositions nor the candidates' stands on issues. I'm not about to make a random vote like that. If I had the time, I'd research it all and then I can make an educated decision."
Person: "Whatever. I hate Republicans."
Right. If you're going to argue with me, at least have some kind of argument ready. In any case, after watching the gubernatorial debate last night, I realized how screwed California is. You've got candidates saying that "people leaving California for better jobs in Arizona and Nevada" is just an illusion. Wishful thinking or incomplete knowledge? Then you've got candidates wanting to attack the Bush Administration. News flash. They are in New Hampshire; we are in California. There's gotta be a good 30 states between here and there. Right... Then you've got outirght personal attacks coming from all the candidates about each other smack in the middle of what is supposed to be an educated debate to sway people to your side. Sorry to say, but those petty fights make asses out of those candidates when they should be discussing real issues.
We're doomed. I guess it's time to pack up and move to Arizona or Nevada. Oh, no. Wait. That was an illusion, wasn't it?

Why Brian loves me =] :
10 Things That I Love About You:
10) I love that weird sense of humor of yours, which leaves me speechless and confused
9) I love your bluntness and honesty
8) I love that piercing nagging tone your voice takes on when you complain (which is always)
7) I love your eyes, even though they are small and beady (heheh)
6) I love that weird swaying motion your hips take when you walk
5) I love that I can talk about sports with you
4) I love how comfortable you make me feel
3) I love the warm beautiful smile I am sometimes blessed with
2) I love how you're always a mess
1) I love that in you I have found someone that I cannot live without, a soul mate