The Ex-Files.* I suppose this is something that must be opened during any relationship. Or is it? Is it possible to completely delete those files? To forget their existence? I feel as though I've thought enough about them, about the past, and about the emotions. So from now on, I have decided to close them to the public. That's it. They no longer belong in my life and if I have any thoughts of them, they are fleeting.
By the way, this doesn't refer to Bryant or Chris (if you guys are reading this). You guys are the greatest and I love you dearly. You'll always be a part of my life because you meant more to me than that.
* phrase from Sex and The City

Weather Forecast: Rainy. For the entire week, RAINY. It makes me miss LA and all the warm weather it represents. You know, NON-RAINY.
Moving right along... Yesterday marked an end to Sex and The City. That's a little depressing. As superficial and perfunctory the show might have been, I not only enjoyed it thoroughly, but also learned a few things. That sounds a little pathetic, but it's quite true. I suggest you watch a couple of episodes and you let me know if you're not surprised by some of the things they say that just seem so... right. Take it from the gay writers of Sex and The City.

So I've been thinking about my ability to judge character. I find that I have a better judgement of girls than I do of guys. I have this theory that girls have a "bitch-dar." You know... like how gay guys have a "gay-dar?" Well, I find that girls have a better intuition about other girls than we do about guys. In this case, I'm talking about relative bitchiness. =]
For Kai's birthday, we all went out to Hooter's to celebrate. Since they don't take reservations, Brian and I arrived early to put our names down. The last time we went, Holly and I tried to put our names down and the hostess was really bitchy to us. We then decided that Hooter's girls only liked guys. So this time around, I had Brian take care of things. So the girl was overtly nice to him and it was so obvious that she was flirting. When the others arrived, we were checking out the girls. Li and I decided that the hostess looked like a bitch, although Brian thought she was wonderfully nice. Gee, I wonder why. =] And no, I didn't think she looked like a bitch just because she was flirting with him because I honestly couldn't care less. Hell, I'm glad other girls find my guy attractive; it means I'm doing something right. =]
Anyway, back to my theory. I'm not sure if this whole bitch-dar thing happens because girls know girls or because girls are in a constant competition with each other. We're ten times more critical about other girls than we are about guys. Come on, girls. How many times have you looked back on an ex-boyfriend and thought, "How was I so blind? Why didn't I see that he was a total bastard?" There are far fewer times that we've been disappointed by girls since we have this constant, protective shell of harsh judgement. I mean, is it really surprising that so-and-so did yada yada yada? "I totally KNEW that she was a total bitch!" Whereas with guys, we're more like, "I thought he was such a nice guy! How could I have been so wrong?"
MAYBE it's the romantic attachment we have to guys. Upon closer examination of typical guy behavior, however, it doesn't work the other way around. Most guys I know really just get along with every other guy unless one of the following occurs: a) he's a complete greasy, sleazy, scum-bag -- so much so that it's blindingly obvious or b) he hurt your family/friend. But typically, the initial judgement doesn't occur unless some kind of extraordinary first impression, good or bad, was made. A guy's evaluation of a girl is even worse! Of course, upon first inspection, we look at the surface, the physical. No, it's not shallow -- it's normal. So the face, the body, the clothes, etc. is examined. "Would I do her?" Typical first question a guy may ask himself, even subconsciously. To them, there is no direct correlation between appearance and personality -- by this, I am speaking about the "not so obvious" cases (e.g. not overly dorky). On the other hand, we girls look at another girl and by appearance alone, we make a judgement. "Yeah, I can see why guys find her attractive, but she looks like a bitch."
Most of the time, we're right, too. But then again, it goes back to my original theory -- 'All men are bastards and all women are bitches.' Eh. You don't have to believe me. Hell. What could a bitch like me ever know? =P

FINAL FANTASY: CRYSTAL CHRONICLES! =]

How do you measure the amount of love you feel for another? Is it how much you are willing to do for another? Is it possible to be in a good relationship when one person loves the other person more than the feeling is reciprocated?
At a younger, more rash age, I might have acted on emotions alone. However, I've grown since then (at least I hope I have). "If I asked you to drop everything and run away with me, would you?" Isn't that the same as asking me to give up my life to live his? What about my life and my responsibilities? What about the other people and things I love? And then, if I didn't want to, would he leave? Then it becomes more like "Drop everything and run away with me; if you don't I'm leaving you." Is that not an ultimatum? Or is it more about me not loving him enough to do it?

It was my best friend's birthday yesterday. I called her and our conversation went something like this:
Tammy: You should go out for your birthday.
Stacey: Do you think I have time to go out?
Tammy: Haha. All right. Go out this weekend. Get drunk.
Stacey: So I can hurl all night?
Tammy: Sounds good to me. Don't forget to give me the "drunken call." You know, the one like I always give you when I'm drunk.
Stacey: Haha. Those. You know... "Hey, Stacey. I'm SOOOO~ drunk. Insert-extraneous-ex-boyfriend-name-here is SUCH a bastard!"
Tammy: Haha. You know the one!
Yeah... Always the best time to get drunk: realizing the last guy you dated is a f*cking bastard. Damn. Those were the days. =]

It's back to school. Hurrah.
I have class at 10am every day (except for Thursdays), which is kind of early. It's not too bad. I'm really beginning to think that programming will be the death of me. I'm taking E177 (Engineering 177 - Advanced Programming with Matlab) and let me just tell you that MATLAB must be the worst programming language... EVER. Then again, that might be because I learned C and Java first. Ugh. It frustrates me.
Besides for school, life is coming along. I still need a job... desperately. Otherwise, I'm getting along fabulously (aka swimmingly).

So I have jury duty this week (even though I'm not registered to vote). It really, really sucks. So I had to get up at the butt crack of dawn so I could get myself to downtown LA by 7:30am. And for all you LA people, you know what traffic is like trying to get downtown. Then, I sat there waiting to get called into some case until 11:00-ish. Then, when I'm finally called, they decide that it would be fun to send us elsewhere. Yay. Then I got to drag myself over to the West LA court in Santa Monica. Great FUN! (are you sensing the sarcasm?) First, I had lunch with my sister and her co-workers since she works about five blocks away from the court. Afterwards, I headed over to the Santa Monica court. According to the directions, the parking lot for the jurors is off of Butler from Santa Monica Blvd. I drove up and down Butler, but could find no parking lot. So then I found a residential area, parked there, and walked over to the court. I entered the main building as I there was no directions as to where to go. After going through the usual security checkpoint (similar to the one at airports), I am informed that I was supposed to go to Trailer 1. That's right. You heard me folks. TRAILER 1. I proceeded back outside but still had no idea where I was going. Then I saw it. It was a dingy looking bungalow with a small, yellow "1" painted on the outside. Lovely. I went inside and was told that there was a delay, so that I should just wait. Around 2:30-ish, the clerk tells us that one of the two cases that needs to be tried had been settled, so thirty people could return home and call their jury duty served. Of course, unlucky as I am, I had to stay. So around 3:15-ish, they finally call us in. So there are thirty of us and only fourteen are needed to serve on the jury (twelve on the jury, two alternates). When we get in, they call 21 people to sit in the jury box and in the area in the front of the court. Yep. I'm one of the nine still in the audience. After everybody is seated, the judge tells us it's too late to begin the selection process, so they want us all to return tomorrow at 10:30am. Great great great. What a complete and utter waste of a day. Sigh.

Heh. I saw Cheaper by the Dozen last night. It was amusing; I liked it. Maybe it's because I like Steve Martin and Bonnie Hunt. Yeah, I know it's silly, but that's what makes it so amusing! =]
I'm watching the Seattle-Green Bay game at the moment. Seattle is finally stepping it up. It's about time! Since Minnesota decided to be dumb asses and not make the playoffs, my team of the moment is Seattle. I guess I feel bad because I was rooting against them on the last game of the season and Matt Hasselbeck was my fantasy football quarterback. In any case, GO SEAHAWKS! =]

I saw Something's Gotta Give last night. I liked it. =] Of course, I tend to like most romantic comedies, so that's not really a surprise. It was highly entertaining. Yeah yeah. I know you all are thinking, "But it's an old people's movie! It has two old people as the leads (i.e. Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson)!" Yeah yeah. But that's what makes it so entertaining! Besides, Keanu Reeves and Amanda Peet are also in it and I know you all think THEY'RE hot (because they are). Heh heh. So yeah... go see it! =]

I am SO ready to go back up north. I guess I had forgotten how boring it is in Torrance. Eh. But what could I expect? "There's no dancing in Torrance!" Sigh. So sad.

So I was hanging out with Christine tonight and we went to Chili's for a late dinner. There was this really cute waiter there (as always since they like to employ cute guys). Anyhow, we asked our waiter for the other waiter's name and whatnot whatnot. Then we were discussing pick up lines and we decide to use one on the cute waiter. I consult with Brian to make sure it's not a crappy pick up line. He thinks it's amusing, so we decide to use it. So the cute waiter comes along with our bill (I guess our waiter had him bring it to us) and he's about to leave, so Christine says, "Wait. Come back here." Whereupon she says, "So I was wondering.... is that a keg in your back pocket?" And he's kind of confused and asks, "A keg?" She says, "Yeah... because I'd really like to tap that ass!" Hahahaha. We were amused. He kind of laughed and then left. Eh. It would've worked on me.

Well, I'm back in Torrance. I got in around 3 this morning. What a LONG drive. I guess I had forgotten what it felt like to make that drive. Bleh. Then I get to drive back up in January (but at least I'll have my Solara this time around).
So I went to the Raiders game on Monday. Wow, they suck. So disappointing. But it was fun. I met Brian's brother, too. He's amusing. =] So it was all good.
Didn't do a whole lot today. Had lunch with my mom and then went to get boba with Kazu. Good times, good times. I'm supposed to go hang out with Bryant later tonight. I called Robert, too, but I think he's spending time with his family and I wouldn't want to intrude on that. My sister went to Vegas for a couple of days. So yep. Pretty much home alone with my mom. I wonder how long the peace is gonna last. Haha.

Well, the semester is over. School-wise, I think this has been the worst semester to date. After taking cs164 (compilers) and cs170 (algorithms), I just realized how little I care for CS. This isn't the major of my choice and I no longer have any motivation to do well in it. Before, I had at least a little bit of interest in what I was doing and I always had the motivation to do well. But this time around, I just couldn't get myself to do it. I now have this feeling of strong dislike for the subject, bordering upon hate. I can't imagine myself programming at a computer for the rest of my life; that's not the path I want to take. I laid out my plans for my future before I decided upon coming to Berkeley. I thought I would be fine getting a Bachelor's degree in computer science, to please my parents. And later, I would go back to school and do what I wanted to do with a Master's degree. I still have that plan, but it becomes increasingly difficult to feign interest in a subject I care so little for.

I wrote this over Thanksgiving break while I was sitting at home in Torrance. I guess I just didn't get the chance to post it:
For the first time in a long time, I looked through the box of all the stuff that Tony gave me (the one I stuffed into my closet because I couldn't stand looking at it anymore). I had forgotten that I had written so many letters to him, letters I didn't even give him. Looking at them now, I'm so glad I didn't give them to him. I think they were supposed to be therapeutic in writing and weren't meant to be read by anyone but me. As I read through them now, it's like a whole different person had written them. I had almost completely forgotten what it felt like to feel that naive first love. I had almost completely forgotten about how I felt about Tony. It's kind of sad, actually. I never wanted to forget that feeling. I guess it just faded away into the past. But reading them again now, I remember how hard it was for me to let go, how much it hurt to give up on my first love. I remember those nights when I stayed up crying because I was afraid I'd never feel the same way about anybody else. I remember being greatly saddened because I wanted to be a part of his life in some way, even if I wasn't his girlfriend... yet I was still pushed away. And as young as I was, I really do believe that it was love. That's simply because I have always wished him all the happiness in the world, something that he couldn't find with me. As much as he ever hurt me, I still think about him; not that I want him back or anything, I just like to think back on those days and smile. We were so young and naive, yet those feelings could still be evoked, proving once and for all that love doesn't have to do with age.
As much as the whole thing ever hurt me, I'm really glad it happened. I wouldn't be who I am today if things didn't turn out the way it did. I became a whole lot stronger after the incident. I don't really blame anybody for it anymore. It's something that everybody has to experience. To lose love is to appreciate it even more when it's there. I think, in a lot of ways, it really helped me learn more about life, love, as well as people. Most of all, I learned how strong I was. I know it's something that everybody goes through: the loss of love. And as much as it hurts in time, it eventually fades away. I'm glad I didn't let it affect my ability to be happy.
Then there was Eric. Even thinking about it now is difficult. A couple of weeks ago, Brian asked me about him and at first, I didn't want to talk about it. Eric and those events were shut away long ago and I didn't reveal much of it to anybody. I just chose to forget about it rather than deal with it. But in a lot of ways, that wasn't good for me because it's just been festering inside of me for so long. I just refuse to think about those times and how young, immature, and gullible I was. After thinking about it for awhile, I told him about it. Brian's the first person I've really opened up to about it. It gave me a feeling of relief, like I had finally lifted this weight off of my shoulders.

Here's something I wrote as a reminder to myself to not be fooled by any guy:

Will you be there on rainy days?
Will you be there when I call?
I need to know, so tell the truth --
Will you catch me if I fall?

Do you really care for me?
Do you know me as a friend?
Can I always count on you?
Will you be there 'til the end?

Would you hold me if I cried?
Will you be there by my side?

Some things are best left unknown...
These answers may decide our fate
So if you love me, then tell me so.
It's now or never else it be too late.

Tammy reviews Final Fantasy X-2:
This is the first game in the Final Fantasy series to be a true sequel. It definitely strayed from the conventional style that has defined Final Fantasy in the past. Game play was non-linear; given an airship early in the game, the player is free to move about the fantasy world of Spira as s/he chooses. Each location provides "missions" for the heroines to complete; it's very Charlie's Angels-esque. The story is much lighter than its predescessor, complete with more upbeat and fun music (although, composer Nobuo Uematsu is noticeably absent).
Expecting a whole lot more after the amazing game that was Final Fantasy X, FFX-2 was a bit of a disappointment. It was extremely girly and cheesy. But what can you expect from girls like Yuna and Rikku? I also missed the Crystal Theme that is usually present in traditional FF games. That's not to say the music wasn't good because it was. What was most frustrating of all about this game was that there was no possible way I could've completed 100% of this game without a guide. That's a bit annoying since I'm a strong advocater of beating a RPG game solely based upon your own adventuring skills sans a walkthrough. That simply wasn't possible with this game. And once we found out there was an extra ending scene for getting 100% completion of the game, there was no stopping us. (By us, I mean Brian and me). Which meant we spent six hours levelling up to their maximum capacity and then proceeding through the extra "dungeon" of the game (a 100 level 'cloister') to meet a fiend that supposedly had the highest level on every stat (i.e. 999,999 HP, 9999 MP, etc). How the hell were we supposed to beat that without some sort of hint as to how to go about it? Consider the fact that this fiend could hit in the range of (20,000-50,000 HP) whereas our max HP was 17,000. Without some sort of guide, we would've never gotten through it. What hell. After finally completing the game, we got that extra scene. Let me just say that it was the BIGGEST disappointment of all. It wasn't even a real cut scene! So my suggestion to you if you're planning on playing this game (or already are), DON'T bother trying to get 100% completion or going through the Via Infinito Cloister of Trials in Bevelle. Don't do it!
In any case, it was a nice distraction from school. I guess I should go study now =].

Back in Torrance for the brief Thanksgiving break. I wasn't supposed to come home this year, but then plans change. Brian and I were supposed to stay up in Berkeley and have a nice, quiet dinner to ourselves, but obviously, that didn't turn out as planned. Turns out, my sister is on vacation in New Zealand (along with Rick). My mom is in Shanghai (doing who knows?). My dad is in Europe on business. So of course, they need me to come home and take care of the house and dog. Shmeh. That's the way the ball rolls.
Anyhow, Brian is coming down later to spend Thanksgiving with his family. Since I'm all alone here, he invited me over. It's a little scary because it's kind of a holiday to spend time with family and whatnot, so I feel a little out of place. Well, you all know how uncomfortable it is for me to be around family during "family time." Actually, being around family in general makes me a bit queasy. I just don't know how to deal with parents; I just want them to like me and approve of me dating their son, you know? In any case, I'm going to pick up Brian from Ontario airport and then we're driving to his mom's place together. Kind of far from Torrance, but what can I say? I love the boy and just want to see him.

For everything it's worth, I never meant for things to be hard for you; it was something between me and him. And a warning for you, too. You're in for a hell of a ride.

"She thinks she's fine -- fine enough to blow ya mind! She thinks she's bad -- get on the floor and shake that ass!" -Britney Spears, (I Got That) Boom Boom
Damn. Britney's hot. =] "I got that boom boom that you want. Whatcha need all night long -- hurry up before it's gone! I don't think you should wait or it might be too late!" All she has to do is use that sexy, raspy voice of her and she exudes sex appeal. Yeah, yeah. I know she can't sing, but DAMN! SHE'S HOT!
So I'm going to "review" Britney's latest album In The Zone. This is definitely the most daring of all of her albums. It's completely different from her previous albums. All the songs have a dance and R&B style to it. It takes some getting used to because it's so different from her usual pop songs. But after listening to it a couple of times over, the songs are definitely starting to grow on me. The lyrics are raunchier -- "Another day without a lover, the more I come to understand the touch of my hand." *shrug* I guess we'll see how that goes. =]