Okay, y'all. Here is my obligatory post from Asia to let you know that I'm still alive. =) I wish I had enough time to write a proper post, but I'm in a tiny cubicle/computer room with a line of two people waiting to use the internet. I could always step out the door and walk to the corner store to buy a new laptop, but that would require getting up and moving around in the 94 degree + crazy humidity weather. So that's a "no." I have a wealth of tales to share and can't wait to relate them all. I hope everyone is well in the States and there are no words to express how much I am looking forward to going back... because it means that Cal football season will soon begin!

Last weekend, I went to see Funny People starring Adam Sandler and Seth Rogen. I had heard some lackluster reviews about the movie, but I still felt like I should see it just on the sheer principle that I work in the comedy entertainment industry. I found it to be a fairly accurate description of a comedian's life so I couldn't quite understand why people didn't enjoy this movie. A friend of mine, who also happens to be a comedian, once told me that "nobody gives a shit about comics; we might as well be the scum of the Earth." So I thought that maybe he was right and people didn't take to the movie because they just didn't care enough about comedians. Then I realized the truth:

It's not that people don't care about the inside workings of a comedian's life - they really just do not want to see the truth about life in the entertainment industry (aka Hollywood).

People prefer their visions of glamour than to see the ugly truth. Consequently, when TMZ reports that the hottest Hollywood star(let) has fallen off the "pedestal," people can gasp and judge the indecency of it all.

I had gone to see the movie with a girl friend of mine who seemed to take great offense to the portrayal of women. She was shocked that I didn't feel the same way.

"Aren't you offended?! They make it seem like women will throw themselves at a man just because he's famous!"

I was taken aback that she didn't already know this and accept this as fact. Perhaps it is the time that I have spent working in Hollywood and watching the comings and goings of certain people in the lime light that has made me jaded. I've witnessed women shamelessly whore themselves to male celebrities. Sad, but true. I do believe that it happens commonly enough such that these male celebrities assume that they can have any woman they want. Also sad, but true.

This is the fucked up town I live and work in. ...And I love it.

My roommate, Christina, got married over the weekend. She is one of the most wonderful individuals I have ever known and I feel extremely privileged to have had such a great roommate for the past year. I <3 you, Christina!


Congratulations, Tom and Christina!

I no longer believe or take advice from Forbes. Check out how they rank "America's Best Colleges."

Pffffft.

There are many things about Hollywood that piss me off - like the water-Splenda girl at Coffee Bean. Then there are the glossy, glitzy dreams that serve as a constant reminder of why LA is such a magical place.

Last night, I met up with a friend - probably one of the most beautiful girls I have ever come in contact with. It had been some time since we last conversed so we had a lot to discuss. We talked about our careers, or lack thereof, and where we were trying to go from this point forward. Some background info on her: she graduated from college, moved to LA, worked at a law office to prepare for law school, went to law school, hated it, quit, and moved back to LA with dreams of becoming an actress. We agreed that life would be simpler and easier if we were the type of people to be satisfied with an office job. I look back on my time in San Francisco working in IT at a finance firm as a lifetime ago and a "stand still" point of my life. Sometimes I wish I could have been happy with that - it was responsible, I made great money, and I didn't have to wonder every day if I was going to be spending my life working towards something that I may never achieve.

My friend is the same way. Things would be easier and less stressful for her had she been happy practicing law. She would have completed law school, joined a prestigious law firm, and possibly opened her own successful practice in the future. That almost seems more plausible and reachable than becoming a famous actress. Now she works a day job and does bottle service Friday and Saturday nights at a popular LA night club in an effort to make ends meet and support herself while she pursues her dream.

Just like everyone else in this town.

Because my job involves the entertainment industry, I am constantly coming across people who are desperately trying to become famous. In fact, the majority of the people that I have met in LA have fit in this category. It's like we live in a separate universe and I almost forget that there are people who just have "normal" jobs. It's the LA snob in me that comes out when I start to believe that those people have no dreams in life because they are satisfied with being "normal." That's when I need to remind myself that I'm not special; I'm just like everyone else. It's when I need to call my "normal" friends and bring me back to Earth.

This is the city of dreams. Unfortunately, not everyone, not even a high percentage of people will ever reach their goals but once you decide to take that road, you can only move forward without looking over your shoulder at past regrets.

Thanks for the amazing Vegas weekend!


The girls after heading out of XS at Encore.


With my favorite Vegas local and my brother in everything but name. <3 you, Breynan!

A few more pictures for your enjoyment. I will be posting more to my website when it launches.








Photos courtesy of Adrienne Gunde.

Las Vegas is both fun and depressing.

Everybody loves a good time and what place better to do it than Vegas where you can gamble, party, and drink 24/7? Just lost 10 pounds? Great! Go to Vegas and show off that body because there is no place else on Earth where it is acceptable to be scandalous just because it's Tuesday. Believe me, I enjoy this as much as the next person.

What irks me is the "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" mentality. It's too temporary and too lenient on the idea of being somebody and acting a certain way you normally would not. I am all for expanding your horizons and thinking outside of the box but not when it entails being embarrassed about your actions. Vegas promotes the theme of "when in Rome..." and people buy into that. It's easy to excuse disgraceful behavior when you can dismiss it as part of being the "Vegas experience."

I will admit to having fallen in line with these beliefs. I have made weekend trips to Vegas to escape the sometimes mundane, sometimes dramatic reality of my life. It sounds like a fail-proof plan: take a weekend getaway, forget your problems, and take part in a weekend of debauchery and fun under the premise that it's temporary and that no one will ever find out about the events. Unfortunately, at the end of that entertaining weekend, you are left with the cold, desperate pangs of reality. Like Vegas, the fun and outrageous occurrences of the weekend are fleeting. This makes returning to the "real world" on Monday an even more sobering moment. Frankly, it's depressing.

Upon further examination of the Vegas "incidences," you find yourself incredibly grateful that no one will ever find out about them. To what purpose did these things serve? It is easy to be somebody different when there are little to no consequences for your actions and words. Does this make you feel like a better, more empowered person?

My take on it is that while most people look back at Vegas excursions as fun and exciting trips, it leaves much to be desired. There are no real connections, no truths to be revealed in a city designed for temporary release. What it does lead to is a brighter spotlight on the issues you were so desperate to escape.

Real women love football. Clearly, I do.


Photo courtesy of Adrienne Gunde.

"...some would accuse you of being too idealistic and a dreamer, but isn't it nice to still think of the grand possibilities, and not yet be jaded or cynical?"
I'm an optimist and a romantic.

I believe the best in people unless they prove me wrong. Even when they prove me wrong, I continue to give them chances to redeem themselves even if I am constantly disappointed. That's what it means to feel disappointment in someone; you had an expectation that they have failed to fulfill. When that same person continues to disappoint on further occasions, it's because you still have expectations. I think it is quite sad when you actually stop feeling disappointment because you are no longer hopeful.

I believe that everything happens for a reason even if it is unclear at the time. It is possible that life is truly comprised of random occurences and coincidences. If that were the case, what would you have to look forward to? Do you just depend on chance? You may or may not meet someone with whom you share a great love; it may be today, next week, or never. There are too many "what ifs" in a life composed of accidents.

I believe that following your heart will lead you to real happiness. While, of course, reasoning and logic are involved in the decision making process, pursuing dreams sometimes means you'll have to toss those things aside. Second guessing and doing what is "responsible" all the time puts you in a position of stability, true, but it also puts you in state of mediocrity. Is being content better than being happy? Do you settle or do you reach for the stars?

I live by these mantras but it hasn't always placed me in the most ideal of situations. In fact, there have been times when they have been counter-effective to fulfilling my goals. Even so, I still believe. I'd rather regret something I have done than something I have not.

Go ahead. Call me idealistic and a dreamer.
Be yourself. Live life with no regrets.

I'm not sure what it is about me that screams, "PLEASE TALK TO ME ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS AND LOVE!" I suppose my blog background hints at my inner romantic.

Over the weekend, I had a long conversation with a guy I've known for many years regarding the necessity (or lack thereof) of relationships to live a happy, meaningful life. It all started when he posed the following questions, "What's going on with you? Are you dating again?"

To which I responded, "I'm giving up on that; it's been too disappointing. Besides, I've relied too heavily on the guys I've dated in the past to make me happy. I'm trying to focus on my career and pursuing goals that will make me happy without depending on a relationship."

"Really? Will that be enough? I think men can live that way but I think it's different for women; they need a relationship to be happy."

We must have been distracted by something at that point because I can't seem to recall the reasoning behind this statement. Or, perhaps, I was so infuriated by this clearly sexist comment that I simply did not hear the rest of the conversation. Although, after much thought and consideration, I am inclined to agree with his opinion.

Ladies, before you bite my head off, allow me a moment to explain. Women, in general, are complex creatures. As much as we may attempt to simplify our lives (and ourselves), it has become painfully clear to me that these efforts are pointless. Take, for example, the "angry woman." In a relationship, when a woman becomes angry, she quietly seethes, waiting for the man to notice and prostrate himself in total apologetic surrender. The longer he takes to notice, the angrier she gets. When he finally asks, "What's wrong, honey?" she will ultimately respond with, "NOTHING." Why? Because we expect you to already know and if you don't know, we want you to be concerned enough to keep asking and make it up to us. (Whitney Cummings does a great bit about this).

Unquestionably, women are wired differently than men. It has been my experience that women are more emotional than men. Maybe it's the estrogen or maybe it's the lack of testosterone. Whatever the case may be, because women are more emotional, we tend to want to "talk things out." While, yes, we have fabulous friends who will no doubt lend an ear, sometimes it requires more - perhaps a tender touch or a loving gaze. Unfortunately, these warm-hearted moments are few and far between with casual dalliances. So I say that, yes, we need a relationship if for no other reason than to keep ourselves sane.

With that being said,

I'm trying to focus on my career and pursuing goals that will make me happy without depending on a relationship.
I'm doomed.

I was at the grocery store the other day picking up essentials like ground turkey and Nutella (not to be used together, of course). While perusing the dairy aisle, a woman approached me and asked, "Do you know the difference between organic milk and regular milk? Why does the organic milk last so much longer than regular milk?"

I'm not sure what gave her the impression that I would know, but I tried my best to answer. "I think it's because organic milk is ultra-pasteurized although I can't tell you what that really means."

"Oh! Well, I only asked you because you look like you're smart, technically savvy. Well, thanks." And she went on her merry way.

It's not that I mind being perceived as intelligent, but how does one look like s/he is "smart" and "technically savvy" (I think she really meant "technologically savvy")? Mind you, I was wearing low-ride jeans and a San Francisco-themed Paul Frank baby tee and not a pair of suspenders with a graphing calculator clipped to the belt.

What is it that causes people to perceive characteristics of a person upon first glimpse? I am surreptitiously glancing at the bleach blonde, incredibly thin, perfectly tanned girl (wearing a bikini top and shorts small enough to not leave anything to the imagination) sitting at the table across from me at this cafe and I automatically assume she's another actress/model trying to make it in Hollywood. Who knows, though? Maybe she's actually an aerospace engineer trying to absorb her daily dose of vitamin D from the sun during her lunch break.

My point is, first appearances can be deceiving. I've been told that I am intimidating and unapproachable at first glance. I can understand this perception and it is highly probable that I promote this image of myself because it is far better to pleasantly surprise as opposed to disappointing someone. Regardless, a person can "put on" appearances as s/he pleases, but it is at the sole discretion of the outsiders to perceive him/her as they will.

I have consistently struggled with the theme of perception. The many layers make it difficult to determine what "true self" means. There is the way I want to be perceived versus the way I think I'm perceived versus the way I actually am perceived. It's so much to keep track of that I eventually will just need to throw up my hands in surrender to societal generalizations and views.

What truly concerns me is when I look in the mirror, I have difficulty answering the questions "Who am I?" and "What defines me?" Surely it is not only the narrowly defined representations forced upon me by society. Yet at the same time, there are instances when a person can accurately be defined by generalized characteristics. For example, I can see someone as courageous, driven, passionate. I do not believe that there is "nothing else to him," but it is his essence and what sets him apart from everyone else. I think what really defines a person are not only personality traits, but the experiences that contribute to your outlook on life and your very being.

The Magic Mirror from Beauty and the Beast

Wouldn't it be easy if we all had a Magic Mirror that would reflect not an image but a definition? It would find "you" in the "Magic Mirror dictionary" and display exactly who you are.

Disclaimer:
I meant for this to be a whimsical post about striking up conversations with random people, but it somehow turned into a philosophical examination of self and perception. Nice, Tammy.

Last night, I went to a guy's place to make pizza (from scratch), open up a bottle of wine, watch a movie, and enjoy each other's company. Objectively speaking, it was a date and quite a romantic one at that. What I failed to mention was that the guy happens to be my intern at work and I see him more as a little kid brother than anything else. To top it off, I invited along one of the girls in the office to join us, so it definitely was not a date.

It comes as a surprise to me that something so fun, romantic, and somewhat intimate has now been delegated to a "friend activity." In today's world, a date could consist of something so small as getting a cup of coffee or having a drink at a bar. Doesn't picnicking at the park or baking homemade cupcakes sound like more inspiring and creative dates? They are definitely more interesting.

My friends and I picnicking at Golden Gate Park.

My friend and I about to scarf down a Red Velvet cupcake we baked.

What's the deal? I read articles in magazines and online about fun, imaginative date ideas. Why is it, though, that it still always comes back to the same "dinner and a movie" idea? And has it become so ingrained in our minds that the "traditional date" is the only one we can expect that we use gatherings with friends as a surrogate intimate outing?

My take on it is that it's the easy way out. It's difficult enough to take someone out on a date and spark a connection; is there a need to do more than "what is expected" with so much else to worry about? Plus, there is always the possibility that the person might not go for what you have planned. For example, a fashionista model clad in sky-high heels might not appreciate rollerblading down the boardwalk. But, hey, isn't that a good indication of whether or not it's a good match if a person isn't willing (or complains about) a fun, original date? But I digress. It's neither here nor there whether the person enjoys your well-planned date; it's about taking the time to organize such an excursion and the possibility of an increased potential for a favorable outcome. Will it optimize your chances of securing another date? Maybe, maybe not. So why bother at all when you can guarantee a good time with your friends on those same adventures?

I'm divided on this issue. For about a year, all of the dates I have been on have centered around coffee, dessert, a meal, and/or drinks, so I look to my friends for the more interesting undertakings. However, should a future date take the initiative to plan something different than the norm, I would be pleasantly surprised and, admittedly, excited. By no means does this signify higher expectations than socially accepted; perhaps it's more of a fantasy. While I await my prince charming to come sweep me off my feet with an atypical date, I will occupy myself with my own diversions. Not that I am suggesting that I will only be swept away by someone who takes me on a date that deviates from the norm. Oh, hell. I seem to be writing myself into a corner.

P.S. Thanks to Matt and Isabella for a fabulous and entertaining evening!

After writing my latest entry about the perfect moment of waking up with somebody, it soon became clear that it would become the theme of the week. It seems as though I have been coming across plenty of things to support my view on this.

First of all, thank you to Cindy for sending me the link to this image:


My favorite line is "...if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane." My take on this is that when you fall in love with somebody, it falls in one of two categories: you love him/her because you love the way he/she makes you feel about yourself OR you love him/her because he/she makes you want to be a better person. Hopefully, it is the latter case. There is something about that person that blows your mind, makes you see the world from a different perspective, evokes admiration and respect for everything he/she is and even everything he/she isn't. It's not about putting someone on a pedestal, it's about seeing someone in his/her entirety, strengths and flaws, and having a passion, deep down to your core, to be a better person to match.

And then I saw another blog posting by Le Love:

"We are just friends. Several times now, I have fallen asleep intertwined with you. Cheek to cheek, even lip to lip--just feeling your breath on my skin. We go no further. Today we went for a walk after a summer pour, and I could feel the warm steam rising from the streets. Now tonight, I sleep alone. It's probably healthy because when I'm tangled up with you I can hardly sleep at all. I spend the whole night on fire, quietly smoldering most of the time. Except when you pull me closer and rub your soft scruffle up and down my neck and chest. Or when you grab me by the hip bone and sink your thumbs into my flesh, sending electric chills up and down my body. Or when you pull me into you, sliding your fingers down my spine until they press the small of my back (chills, again). Or when your lips find the back of my neck and you mumble about how good I smell. Those are the times that the smoldering gives way to a blazing flare and all I can do is hope for a nap the next day. But not tonight. You're there and I'm here. I could never tell you this, but every night your body isn't pressed against mine, I have to pack pillows around myself just to fall asleep. But we are just friends, and I'm sure you sleep fine without me." - A

When it gets to the point when a person expresses such words of desire to just hold somebody (or be held), it moves beyond just a mere physical, or even an emotional, connection. It's a longing to feel a place of belonging, to know that you are wanted and needed, to find mutual security with someone; the closest word I can think of is intimacy, although even that fails to convey the passion.

When you're in love:

You want to be near him regardless of what either of you are doing.
Little things remind you of him.
He is the first thing on your mind when you wake.
You think he is the most amazing person you have had the privilege to know.
You want him to be happy, with or without you. And you truly mean it.
The last statement is the most difficult to swallow because it directly conflicts with the first. There are many hardships associated to unrequited love, but it is my belief that you become a stronger person because of it; you have had the profound privilege to have found one person in the world who makes you understand yourself and life more clearly while truly finding a reason to be unselfish.

I leave you with a beautiful song and video: Framing Hanley - Alone in This Bed.

Le Love never fails to touch and inspire me. A few days ago, I came across this:


While you are sleeping, you are in your most vulnerable state. To fall asleep with somebody is a sign of trust, a demonstration of intimacy, if you will. To be held, to feel secure, and to know that there is mutual trust, that is what makes it so beautiful to share a bed with somebody.

It is my belief, however, that there is something even more incredible than falling asleep in someone's arms -- it's waking up in someone's arms. It's the moment that you begin to push away the cobwebs of sleep, feel the breath of someone next to you on the back of your neck, the touch of the arms wrapped around you, and the amazing recognition that you have just spent an extraordinarily beautiful night with the person in bed with you. You smile and let out a small sigh of contentment. He wraps his arms around you tighter and pulls you in closer. This is the moment I live for. You are exactly where you are supposed to be no matter what is happening outside in the "real world." This singular moment defines perfection and happiness.

Months ago, I came across a blog that describes this extraordinary moment in detail, from a man's perspective. It's beautiful and poetic. It makes me believe that there are men in the world that cherish this as much as I do, are romantics at heart.

I can close my eyes and remember what it's like. It brings forth a wealth of emotions and tears to my eyes.

3 days after writing my post about Zachary Quinto and who do I see as I'm walking out of my gym? Of course, it's Zachary Quinto! And of course, as my luck would have it, I am sweaty and not in any sort of good form to approach him and tell him how great I think he is. Even if I knew what to say or looked semi-decent, I couldn't get my mouth to form any words. I think it was the most retarded moment of my life.

"Most people would rather be certain they're miserable than risk being happy." - Robert Anthony

I saw this quote written on a board while waiting for my nonfat White Chocolate Dream Latte from Coffee Bean. (It's heaven in a cup). It struck a chord with me immediately and I am 100% certain that it is true. My immediate thought was, "I must Twitter this and share it with the rest of the world! What an epiphany!"

What I've come to realize in the past two years of my life is that there is no reason why I can't attain my dreams. Growing up the "Asian way" meant that I put aside all of my "foolish, childish" dreams and pursued a reliable, steady, responsible lifestyle. What this translates to is going to a good college, receiving a practical degree, working a job that can provide for comfortable yet lavish spending habits, and marrying a Chinese man that makes more money than I do and can support me.

My second year in college, I chucked 25% of those expectations by dating someone *gasp* Black. I was a disappointment, an embarrassment to my parents. "What will I tell my friends," my mother would tearfully cry to me. Sorry, mom; this is nothing against you, I didn't do this to hurt you, and it's not a reflection of how I was raised. The following four years, I struggled with a need to please my parents and my own need to live my life. In truth, it made me miserable.

While there were many good times in those four years, I know, looking back, that the relationship lasted much longer than it should have. We were both unhappy. But I was stubborn... and afraid. What if this was as good as it got? What if I never found anyone else? What if I ended up alone? I was certain of one thing: I was unhappy, but it felt comfortable. I was unwilling to risk discomfort for happiness. It sounds silly now.

Two years ago, after having worked "the job that can provide for comfortable yet lavish spending habits" for two years, I came to a realization: I dreaded getting up in the morning to drag myself to work. Very clearly, I remember one morning standing at the door to get into the office. We had to use our badge on the card reader to unlock the door. As I raised my badge to unlock the door, I let out a loud sigh thinking, "Here we go again." At that very moment I knew for certain that I was miserable. I kept at it for another year. Why? I was certain that I was miserable, but again, I was afraid. What else could I do? I had no education or background in anything but technology. Where could I go? What if I didn't make enough money? What if I couldn't find another job? I didn't have the courage to leave comfort and stability for the land of what ifs. It sounds ridiculous now.

Settling on stable and comfortable despite being miserable is easier to swallow than risking it all to be happy. It's the fear of being wrong. It's the fear of the unknown. It's the fear of never making it. Standing still is truth, fact, a certainty.

It takes a tremendous amount of fortitude and resolution to be able to pursue real happiness. It requires a constant level of discomfort until reaching the desired goal. Is it worth it? In my opinion, absolutely.

Shortly after posting the quote on Twitter, I got a response back: "Are you talking about me?!"

It certainly was not directed at any one person in particular, but I want you to know that I have an immeasurable amount of respect for you and the passion that you display consistently. If anything, you risk it all. You are the reason I left certain misery for a chance at happiness.

I've found yet another talented male celebrity to obsess over. This time, it's actor Zachary Quinto.


My streak continues in finding sexiness and allure in the most incredibly talented men in the world. Quinto's character, Sylar, in NBC's hit TV show, Heroes, intrigued me. His portrayal of the legendary character, Spock, in the critically acclaimed and well-received Star Trek movie (directed by J.J. Abrams, another wildly talented man) sealed the deal. I am simply in awe.

After conferring with several girl friends, I've concluded that Quinto has an appeal based upon the roles he has taken on.

As Sylar on Heroes, he is the dark, brooding "villain" with a penchant for power any way he can get it. He's complicated and deep; his struggles with identity, self-esteem, and outward validation of self stem from his troubled upbringing and a constant feeling of being "out of place." Women love that. We have dreams of finding one of these men, fixing and nourishing them until they've magically changed into a warm, loving man. Then we can take the credit for bringing happiness and normalcy to a man that still keeps a touch of inner "bad boy."


Zachary Quinto as Sylar on NBC's Heroes
As Spock in Star Trek, Quinto plays a man struggling with identity. He battles between logic and emotion, something I personally face on a daily basis. Much of the time, Spock chooses logic, showing little to no emotion. He epitomizes the nonchalant guy who is able to land any woman at the bar by acting uninterested. Women eat that up. "Who is the mysterious guy that isn't interested in me?" While carrying himself with confidence near to arrogance, any female that lands that one has accomplished something no other woman has not: she has the one that wasn't interested in anyone else.


Zachary Quinto as Spock in Star Trek
What can I say? Women tend to be attracted to the "bad boys that will treat them like crap." As much as we talk about finding a "nice guy" who worships the ground we walk on, we wouldn't give the time of day to most of them. Ladies, I know all of you have once said in your life, "He's just too nice." Sadly, nice guys do finish last.

My favoritism for my new leading man, Zachary Quinto, however, has little to do with the personalities of the characters he takes on, but more to do with the allure of the talent it takes to play such characters. His charisma and on-screen presence are incredible, to say the least. He truly is fascinating to watch. I wait, with bated breath, to see him in another masterpiece.

As an addendum to my last entry about body image, I recently discovered that my favorite Victoria's Secret model, Alessandra Ambrosio, is 5'10" and 112 pounds. That seems crazy to me. I'm 5'4" and I aim for 115 pounds.

But here she is in yet another bathing suit that I own. Damn, she looks good.


What I do realize, though, is that in photos that haven't been touched up, she looks way too skinny. Take a look.


Not that she doesn't look good, but please, for the love of God, eat something woman! Is this really sexy... thin to the point of anorexia?

Because I'm on this proactive journey to lose weight and get in better shape, I felt it was appropriate to have a discussion about body image.

As a female living in society as we know it, I, like the many other women I know, am obsessed with what is considered to be beautiful, desirable, sexy. We all want to have long, lean legs, a firm but round butt, a flat stomach, decently-sized, perky breasts, and most recently in fashion, toned arms. Some of us just aren't born with the privilege of such genes, so we work hard to fit the mold. My question is, when does this become an unhealthy obsession? And does it really affect how others view us?

My take on it is the more we are aware of the bodies around us, the more that we are aware of ourselves (or what we lack). I am definitely my own harshest critic, my own worst enemy, if you will. I am constantly examining myself in the mirror: "Is that a new stretch mark? Is this shirt showing too many of my 'rolls'? Is the cellulite getting worse?!" What I also notice, though, is that I am also extremely critical of other women, especially if they are in the spotlight. "Did Drew Barrymore gain weight again? Did you see those pants on Jessica Simpson? Britney needs to work on that tummy area if she expects a comeback anytime soon."

Worse yet (and I hate to admit this), I judge the very average, normal women around me. While I did happen to join the trendiest gym in town where almost all of the women who work out there could be Victoria's Secret or Sports Illustrated Swimsuit models, there are still a few "normal" women who frequent the gym. While changing in the locker room, I can't help but to look around and compare. I search out the women that are in worse shape than me or just were not as "blessed" as I am and I feel better about myself. I'm completely evil and out of line, I know. But I couldn't help but look at some women and think, "Well, at least I don't have saggy breasts or loose skin or a flat butt or..." I'm ashamed of myself.

More importantly than what I think, here's the real question:

Does it make that much of a difference to men?
The obvious answer is, "Abso-fucking-lutely!" Why else would men drool over the Victoria's Secret and Sports Illustrated Swimsuit models? There's nothing sexier than a woman with a bangin' body, right, boys?

According to one guy I know, "Yes and no." The conversation went as follows:

"It's always the face that does it for me. Whenever I went to strip clubs, the dancers would always be shocked that I'd be staring at their face. It's what makes a woman interesting. Women just don't get it. Someone that is is considered to be 'in the best shape' and someone with your body, there's no difference. Here, look at this."

He pulls out an empty case of gum (Dentyne, I think, but I can't recall). I can't really demonstrate to you what he did with the gum, but I will attempt to show you essentially what he did through images.

"Imagine that this is a Victoria's Secret or Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model's body."


"Now say that this is you now."


"And say this is someone else who is in 'okay shape'."


"There's no difference between the three! If you're any of the latter 2, you're essentially the first."


[Gesturing to his glass of Jack and Coke] "It's not like you're like this glass."

"And I think it's kind of wrong for you to be complaining about it when you're clearly not overweight or in bad shape. I mean, there are people in bad shape and you are not. It's like the guy who had to give up his boat because he couldn't afford it anymore saying that he's broke to a guy who is actually broke. 'No, you're not broke, asshole. You just had to give up your boat!'"

At this point, I'm trying to figure out whether this is a general agreement among men or if it just happened to be something this particular man believed. Had I spent my life agonizing over every little pound for no reason at all? Is there really 'no difference'??

My take on it is that at the end of the day, no matter what others might think (of the same or opposite sex), as long as I still obsess in front of the mirror on different imperfections in my body that I know I can fix, I will constantly be worrying about it. The fact is, as long as I know that I can look better, than I will strive to look better.

On an ending note, an image of my favorite Victoria's Secret model, Alessandra Ambrosio, in the bathing suit I just purchased. I hope to one day have her stomach and thighs.