Thursday, November 27, 2003

Back in Torrance for the brief Thanksgiving break. I wasn't supposed to come home this year, but then plans change. Brian and I were supposed to stay up in Berkeley and have a nice, quiet dinner to ourselves, but obviously, that didn't turn out as planned. Turns out, my sister is on vacation in New Zealand (along with Rick). My mom is in Shanghai (doing who knows?). My dad is in Europe on business. So of course, they need me to come home and take care of the house and dog. Shmeh. That's the way the ball rolls.
Anyhow, Brian is coming down later to spend Thanksgiving with his family. Since I'm all alone here, he invited me over. It's a little scary because it's kind of a holiday to spend time with family and whatnot, so I feel a little out of place. Well, you all know how uncomfortable it is for me to be around family during "family time." Actually, being around family in general makes me a bit queasy. I just don't know how to deal with parents; I just want them to like me and approve of me dating their son, you know? In any case, I'm going to pick up Brian from Ontario airport and then we're driving to his mom's place together. Kind of far from Torrance, but what can I say? I love the boy and just want to see him.

Thursday, November 20, 2003

For everything it's worth, I never meant for things to be hard for you; it was something between me and him. And a warning for you, too. You're in for a hell of a ride.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

"She thinks she's fine -- fine enough to blow ya mind! She thinks she's bad -- get on the floor and shake that ass!" -Britney Spears, (I Got That) Boom Boom
Damn. Britney's hot. =] "I got that boom boom that you want. Whatcha need all night long -- hurry up before it's gone! I don't think you should wait or it might be too late!" All she has to do is use that sexy, raspy voice of her and she exudes sex appeal. Yeah, yeah. I know she can't sing, but DAMN! SHE'S HOT!
So I'm going to "review" Britney's latest album In The Zone. This is definitely the most daring of all of her albums. It's completely different from her previous albums. All the songs have a dance and R&B style to it. It takes some getting used to because it's so different from her usual pop songs. But after listening to it a couple of times over, the songs are definitely starting to grow on me. The lyrics are raunchier -- "Another day without a lover, the more I come to understand the touch of my hand." *shrug* I guess we'll see how that goes. =]

Saturday, November 15, 2003

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall..." -Confucius
I think this is something everybody needs to realize.

Monday, November 10, 2003

So I've been thinking about how much I've grown since coming to Berkeley. It's interesting how events really change a person's thoughts, ways, and beliefs. Coming out of high school, my friends were the most important people in the world to me. After all, "boys come and go, but friends are forever." After everything I went through in high school, I knew who my friends were and I knew they would always be there to answer my call. I remember telling my ex about how I would sacrifice anything for them, even if they asked me to give up on a guy I happened to be dating. Isn't that ironic?
Friendship is more than just an acquaintance; it means so much more. S/he is someone who wants the best for you and stands behind you in every decision you make, even if s/he disagrees with it. S/he is someone who is always right there behind you, ready to catch you if you fall. And you know it's a true friend when you don't have to "look behind you" to make sure that s/he is still there supporting you. I feel lucky to have friends who are all of those things; some people aren't that lucky.
Beyond that, I've learned so much more about myself and what I want and need in life. After being in a relationship for five years, with some guy or another, I went without for a month and then jumped right back in. It's not so much because I don't know how to be alone, but mostly because I've learned not to question myself -- to seize the day. But in that month that I was by myself, I realized that I could be fine on my own. All this time, I was scared to be alone because I didn't know what to do if I didn't have anyone to tell me how great I am, how much they love me. It wasn't until I was truly alone did I realize that I didn't need people to tell me that as long as I believed it. At first, it was difficult because I had been pummelled down to believe that I was worthless, that I didn't deserve his love, or anybody's for that matter. As hard as I tried, it just wasn't enough... because I wasn't enough. As time passed by, I saw things more clearly as the emotions that clouded my vision slowly lifted. It really wasn't about what anybody else thought about me; I should know better.
Now I realize how much I've missed out on because I was constantly making myself be someone I thought other people wanted. What I didn't realize was that all I wanted was to live life for everything it's worth and to do it for me.