Wednesday, March 26, 2003

So I'm back in Torrance. I've been here for nearly a week and nothing has happened. I've been sick, so I can't even go out. Plus, I have no means of transportation as my car is sitting in Berkeley. So I've just been sitting at home, playing with my laptop, and sleeping. Sounds great, huh? Eh. I suppose it's better than stressing myself out in Berkeley.
The point of coming back to Torrance was to get away from Berkeley and certain problems. I was supposed to be able to think clearly with a good distance between me and Berkeley. Unfortunately for me, this cold has not seemed to go away and my mind seems just as clouded. I've been thinking a lot about everything. I looked over a lot of my past diary entries, both online and in my old diary, and it's strange. I mean, I can still remember the events quite clearly, but I can't seem to follow my own train of thoughts. I've grown a lot since then and I think I would've acted much differently knowing what I do now. At the same time, I know that a couple of years from now, I'll look onto the events of today and wonder, "What the HELL was I thinking?!"
I found, however, that my ideals and visions of love have remained the same throughout the years. And now.. here I am. I gave up those very same principles to be with someone that I think may be The One. So then I begin to wonder if I'm sacrificing too much. Would The One really ask me to give that all up? Without those ideals, am I even the same person? I wonder...
I've also been doing a lot of thinking about soul mates. I was watching Sex and The City and there's this episode where Carrie and her crew decide to be each others' soul mates and to see dating as "great, nice guys to have fun with." I think that sort of makes sense. I used to think that your soul mate is the one person you're supposed to be with. In that sense, The One and soul mate was synonymous. But now I begin to think otherwise. I mean, I see it as your soul mate is supposed to be the one person who completely understands you. Not necessarily does this mean that this person is The One. Now I think that The One is just a feeling that you get. Yes, there are some requirements. For example, I may not think that my One completely gets everything I do/think/say, but he must be able to accept me for everything that I am and everything that I am not. In saying all this, I mean to say that it is quite likely that someone you are not romantically involved with just might be your soul mate. And it also may be true that your One may not necessarily be your soul mate. I just kind of like that idea because then I know that although I may never find The One, I'll always have my soul mate to fall back on. And I DO believe that I've found my soul mate.

Wednesday, March 19, 2003

It's early o'clock in the morning, but I can't sleep because I'm having a coughing fit. My body doesn't seem to like it when I lay down because I go into this fit of coughing. Doesn't look like I'll be sleeping for awhile. Stupid cold. It just doesn't want to go away.
I can't wait for Spring Break. I need some time away from the hustle and bustle of Berkeley. I'm sick of this and I'm ready for the comforts of home. Maybe it'll give me the distance to finally gain a clear perspective on things.

Friday, March 14, 2003

I made out a list of all the people that have made a (positive or negative) impact on my life. It's interesting looking at it. There seemed to be a lot more names/images swirling in my head than actually came out on paper. Looking at it all, I consider myself to be actually quite lucky. I've lead quite a full life for my nineteen years and most of those years seem to have a lot of happy times. I mean, really, what do I have to be sad about? I look at my life right now and it's really wonderful. I have great friends who love me, my family who constantly checks up on me, and I go to a school that I love. So I'm without a boyfriend. If that's the way it goes, then that's the way it goes. Who am I to question fate? Somewhere along my journey, I'm going to be entirely certain who is right for me and I know we'll spend the rest of the way making each other deliriously happy. In the mean time, I'll make do with making myself happy.

Wednesday, March 12, 2003

"What am I to do with my life? You will find out, don't worry. How am I supposed to know what's right? You just gotta do it your way." -Britney Spears, Overprotected
Christine came to visit on Sunday. I haven't seen her since December, so it was good to hang out with her again. She reminds me that I'm not the only crazy one. =] Haha. So we were talking about past relationships and whatnot. Same ol' thing... Tony was a bastard, we all thought Jeremy was scary, etc., etc. I think we were both really glad that we were always there for each other during those times. So anyway, as for advice for now, she says, "Just do whatever makes you happy. And if anyone hurts you, I'LL KILL HIM."

Monday, March 10, 2003

So Charlie's party last Saturday... it was hot, hot, HOT. Did I mention that it was HOT? =] Yeah. Dancers... they're hot. Heh heh heh.

Sunday, March 02, 2003

I spent 16 hours programming yesterday. 16 hours! I'll never get those 16 hours of my life back! My CS group got to Soda at 11am and proceeded to work until 6pm. We then ate some dinner and continued to work. We finished at 3am. Well, we figured out the bugs of one problem and we could compile the other. Unfortunately for us, everybody who was anybody decided to be on all the servers so everything was going super slow. It would take five minutes just to open the editor window! And then you would type something and you'd have to wait a couple of seconds before it showed up on the screen. Sigh. How are you supposed to program under conditions like that??