Friday, February 28, 2003

This month has lasted much too long. I'm ready for it to end. It means I can eat meat tomorrow! =] Much more important than that, it's a new month, away from this horrid, horrid time.
I'm in Soda working on my CS 162 project. It's not going too well considering I don't even know how to test my code. Shmeh. It'll work out. It's due next Thursday. I have a philosophy paper due on Tuesday, but I'm not really worried about it. I figure I'll have it done in 2-3 hours. In the mean time, I'm trying to think up of good test cases for my CS project. The pains of being a CS major. ***POINTS AT KAZU*** SMOKING DOESN'T HELP YOU IN CS!!!

Thursday, February 27, 2003

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.
I got that from Ken's profile. It's funny how that hits home.

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

I was thinking about everything that has happened this month and when I looked up, the sun started to shine through my window. Is this the sign I've been waiting so long for?

Tuesday, February 18, 2003

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm following wherever my heart may lead me.

Sunday, February 16, 2003

"The course of True Love never did run smooth." -William Shakespeare from A Midsummer Night's Dream
I love that movie. I love Calista Flockhart. She's so cute. =]

Saturday, February 15, 2003

Valentine's Day turned out better than planned. =]

Thursday, February 13, 2003

"True Love burns the brightest, but the brightest flames leave the deepest scars." -Unknown
I've done a lot of dumb things in my life, I admit. But the dumbest thing to date is to allow other people, people I don't even know, people I have no respect for, control what I do. Why should I care what their opinions/actions are? I don't. If you don't know me and you're reading this to find reasons to harass me, then YOU HAVE NO LIFE OF YOUR OWN. What I write in here, in my online diary, in my subprofile, or whatever I do, it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. I do it for me and I do it for MY FRIENDS. I'm LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE REAL FRIENDS. I have FRIENDS that love me and will ALWAYS stand behind me in everything I do, even if they disagree with it. It's hard to find people in this world that will accept you for everything that you are and aren't, but I've found MANY. If you even had ANY idea about what friendship means, you would know that it means to love and to sacrifice. It means supporting your friend's choices and being behind them. They should KNOW that you'll always be right behind them in support... they should KNOW it enough to believe it... they shouldn't even have to look back to check if you're still there because they KNOW that you ARE still there. So in saying that, FRIENDS DON'T GIVE FRIENDS ULTIMATUMS BECAUSE THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE TO SUPPORT EACH OTHER'S DECISIONS. Most of all, FRIENDS DON'T KEEP THEIR FRIENDS FROM GOING WHERE THE HEART DESIRES. It's hard enough to find love in this world, but it's nearly impossible if someone is trying to keep two people in love... apart.
So if you don't know me and you're still reading this, GO AWAY. Maybe you should try to be a better friend instead of acting like a 15 year-old.

Monday, February 10, 2003

I'm a complete emotional mess. I need someone to be here to hold my hand through this. I can't stop myself from hurting no matter how hard I try, how much I tell myself that I'll be okay. I keep thinking back about all the things he's said to me, all the promises he's made to me. I remember him telling me that he feared I would some day refer to him as "just some guy I dated." How I wish I COULD refer to him that way. How I wish I don't love him as much as I do. Then it wouldn't hurt so badly. But I do.... love him. Even through the stubborness and even through the blindness.
They say that if you truly love someone, you're willing to sacrifice anything for him... even yourself. They say that if you really love him, you would give him what he wants. But I can't just be his friend. If I continue on this way, there won't even BE a me for him to have as a friend.
But it's so incredibly difficult. I still want him back and I know I still need him. I know I have to let go, but it's just so hard. I've been fighting for so long and I still truly believe that it's worth fighting for. My heart feels like it's in some sort of a death grip. I can't stop loving him. And one-sided love is the worst feeling.
I don't understand. How is it that someone can give up something so great due to stubborness? It just doesn't make any sense to me at all. If he misses me, if he's sad without me.... why? It just doesn't make any sense! I really don't get it. He says that it's because he's made his choice and that he wants to keep his friend (the one that gives ultimatums... you know... because THAT'S what friends do). How does that make ANY sense? How can it be that he's giving up something so great because of stubborness? People keep telling me that sometimes love just isn't enough. I disagreed with them, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe stubborness can overrule love.
So anyway, I told him not to call me, IM me, talk to me, etc. It's just too hard. I know that I have to let go, but if he keeps doing this, I'll get the wrong impression and keep holding on to something that's not there anymore. I told him how difficult for me it is to be there with him but not REALLY be WITH him. It's so hard to sit next to him and not want to hold his hand, call him "Cutie," and tell him how much I love him. It's just too hard. Maybe I'm being selfish for witholding my friendship, but I really have to care of myself. This whole weekend, all I did was sit by the phone and wait for his call. It was like I had lost the will to do anything else.
Again, I feel that my self worth is down to nil. I need time to love myself again before I can love anybody else. I need time to pick up the pieces of my heart and mend it back together.

Sunday, February 09, 2003

I had my break down last night. It was long in coming. I'm not sure what riled it up and finally made it come out... but it did. He knew it, too. I wanted so badly for him to show up at my door to comfort me. I waited for it to happen, but it never did. He was the only person who could've stopped the hurt, but he wasn't there. I eventually did get a phone call, but it seemed like so little... and so late. Maybe that's what he felt like that night I didn't show up. I guess it's hard to understand until you're there. I just kept thinking about how he used to go running when his ex called crying... even if he was spending time with me. I guess it just really hurts knowing that I don't have that same consideration.
He says that he misses me, too. I don't doubt that he does or else he wouldn't call me at all. But if he really misses me that much, why doesn't he do something about it? He knows that I'm just waiting for that moment to come... At the same time, I know that I shouldn't allow anybody to string me along.

Saturday, February 08, 2003

I miss him so much it hurts. I don't want to hurt. I almost feel as though I've lost my identity. My world is suddenly crashing down on me and I don't know how to pick myself up. I don't know how to keep going when all I want to do is collapse and cry. I know I just need to take it day by day and just make sure that today is okay and not worry about what may happen tomorrow. My heart is still aching. I know I still have a lot of pieces of my heart to pick up. I'm hoping I will be strong enough to put it all back together.
A lot of people have been telling me lately that I allow people to step all over me. They talk about getting back/even or whatnot, but I'm not like that. They just ask, "Are you really going to let them get away with doing that to you?" I'm not 15 anymore. I'm so much better and more mature now. And I won't stoop down to that level because I'm better than that... I was taught better than that.

Friday, February 07, 2003

"Sweet dreams." I think it's something we've all said in our life time. We just want to wish someone a good night's rest and we tell them to have "sweet dreams." What you consider to be a "sweet dream" might be different from what I consider to be one. One person's nightmare might have once been a sweet dream. I've woken up many times in the past week, not sure what it was that was waking me up, but knowing that it was also keeping me awake because I was too afraid to fall back asleep. The other night, being back in Desmond's arms, even if for a few brief moments, felt like heaven. I was too afraid to sleep, afraid that the moment would pass me by. Knowing full well that it just might be the last time I'm with him like that, I stayed up most of the night, relishing the feel of just being near him, in his arms, and at ease. I didn't want the night to end and when his alarm went off, I wanted to curse it to the depths of hell. These last couple of nights, I lie awake in bed, not sure what to do. And when I do fall asleep, I wake up with a start, not sure what I'm doing alone in my apartment, in my bed. I reach over to grab his hand... but he's not there.
I think the nights are the worst. Usually during the day, I can pretend like nothing has happened. I can just pretend that we're having a busy schedule and can't spend much time together anymore. Plus, I have my friends to keep me company and to keep me sane. At nights, though, I'm just not prepared for the onslaught of sadness and loneliness.

Thursday, February 06, 2003

I am so glad that I have friends that love me as much as they do. I just hope that I can be there for them in the same way that they've been here for me. It's hard to find one person in the world that will accept you for everything that you are/aren't, and somehow, I've ended up with six. I love you guys... you know who you are.
I talked to my sister tonight for a really long time. She said, "Whether it was four years or one year, breaking up is hard to do." Having broken up with her ex of four years was one of the hardest things she has ever had to deal with. I'm really glad that she has moved on since then. I didn't really think, though, that she'd really understand how I felt. She should know, though. It's just that I thought she would bring up the time difference issue (4 years vs. 1 year). It's really nice that she listened to what I had to say. In the past, she would've just told me to get over it. We've grown a lot closer and I think we understand each other better now.
"Your friends are a reflection of the type of person you are." Friends care about you. They are the ones that stay by your side when no one else will. They swallow their own pride and wish the best for you. When you find somebody you love, they are happy for you, even if it's someone they do not care for. Friends support your choices. Friends are those people who you know are always behind you in everything you do... you don't even have to look back to check.

Wednesday, February 05, 2003

I have no words. For once, I HAVE NO WORDS. I don't know how to properly express myself. I looked up at the stars tonight and wondered what was written in them for me. Am I to suffer? Am I to be happy? Am I to be lonely? Am I to be successful? It's hard to say.
I remember that night I spent in Fremont with Desmond and he took me to some huge hill to look at the stars (since I don't get to see any in Torrance). It was really a sweet thing to do. A long time ago, someone I once knew asked me what I thought a perfect date would be. I thought that the ultimate date would be a picnic under the stars. Well, I never got a picnic, but it was just as nice. There's romance in the stars. I don't know what it is about them, but they emit that kind of feeling. Some day, I'll go back.
Have you ever made a wish upon a star? Even though you know it probably won't come true, it just makes you feel immensely better. Like I said before, there's just something about stars. Or maybe it's just me. I remember sneaking out of the house to go for walks at night. I always ended up at "my place." Yep. The swings at La Romeria Park. I used to look up and be really sad that I couldn't see the stars. So I'd stare at the moon. It's such a wonderful, peaceful feeling. I wish it was that simple now. I wish I could lose myself in the cosmics, but now it's just so complicated.

Tuesday, February 04, 2003

Sometimes, it just hurts so much that it's beyond tears. Sometimes, the love is so true that you stand up strong when all you want to do is crumble because you know they want you to be okay. Sometimes, you're willing to let go because you know it's TRUE. Sometimes... THEY ARE TRUE. Love is there for giving... and in this case, it is better to give than receive. Although it hurts now, the pain will eventually subside. If you really love someone, you'll want them to be happy, even if it's not with you.
People keep asking me, "You love him? Well... are you so sure? Do you really know what love is? What is it, then?"
Love is about opening your heart to someone else, even if you've been hurt before. Love is about one soul in two bodies. Love is about giving it your all, even if you're afraid of getting hurt. Love is finding your better half. Love is not about being with someone you can live with.... but about being with someone you can't live without. Love is about being happy just to know he is, even if he isn't with you anymore.
I strongly believe that you can never "fall out of love" with someone that you truly love. I also strongly believe that things happen for a reason. We all choose to take a certain path. When we get to a crossroad, we have to decide which way to go. You might decide to go separate ways from someone else... but if it was meant to be, those roads will cross again. I believe that THERE is happiness, but there's a lot of pain on the way. But on that journey to happiness, you'll learn truly what it means to be happy. And when you reach that destination and find someone to walk with forever, then you'll appreciate it even more.
I'm a true believer in love because I'm such a hopeless romantic... I wouldn't have it any other way.