Thursday, May 06, 2010

As it seems that this is not obvious to everyone, whenever something is written in italics and it is not dialogue or a quote, it means it's fiction. I write because I love writing.

Tell Me I Am Worth It

If I could choose, I wouldn't feel this way.
I wouldn't think the world of you.
I wouldn't have the urge to grab your hand.
I wouldn't want to lie my head in your lap.
I wouldn't secretly enjoy 'Goodbyes' because they came with an embrace.
I wouldn't be excited to see your name appear on my phone.
I wouldn't rearrange my schedule to fit yours.
I wouldn't just want to be near you just to be in your presence.
If I could choose, I wouldn't care for someone who so obviously does not care for me.

Instead, all I can do is wait. I wait for you to care. I wait for you.

The truth is, I do think the world of you. You are the most intelligent and talented person I have ever known. I know that there is nothing that you can't do or accomplish. You make me question the things I thought I knew and understood. You open my eyes to so many different ideas and views that I've never even had thoughts about. You astound me.

The truth is, I always have the urge to grab your hand. I just want to feel it holding on to mine, just to feel your touch. There is something so intimate and magical about your touch like I can be connected to everything that is so amazing about you.

The truth is, I want to lie my head in your lap. There is something so wonderfully comforting about you that makes me believe that there are only good things to come when I am with you. An overwhelming sense of ease and contentment washes over me, like you could protect me from everything bad.

The truth is, I hate saying 'Goodbye' but I love feeling your arms around me in an embrace. It makes leaving so bittersweet. Oh, but the sweetness of being held even for just a brief moment makes the world feel right instead of the tailspin I habitually live. Time freezes, everything is perfect, and there's nowhere else I'd rather be but standing right there in your arms.

The truth is, every time my phone rings, my insides clench in anticipation of seeing your name and when it appears, my heart nearly bursts from excitement. Even frivolous conversation feels meaningful, deep, poetic. I can feel the emotion and passion in your words and it humbles me.

The truth is, I would drop anything just for a second with you because everything seems pale and unimportant in comparison to you. I must have done something good in this life to deserve the moments I share with you.

The truth is, being near you, just in your presence, leaves me with a sense of peace and calm like stepping inside after being caught in a thunderstorm. You are the warm, inviting fire that I want to curl up next to while listening to the rain falling, the thunder crashing on the outside.

If I could choose, I would not feel invisible and insignificant next to your brilliance.

Instead, all I can do is wait. I wait for you to tell me I am worth it. I wait for you.

Tell Me I Am Worth It
Images courtesy of Le Love

Friday, April 02, 2010

When I met him, I knew.

He had a way of filling the cracks and crevices in my heart; I didn't even know they were there until they were empty once more.

In my mind, I paint pictures of him in colors that don't exist, I hear him in melodies that have yet to be written.

I remember the way he looked at me - with intensity and fire in his eyes. He stripped away the steel barriers with a melting gaze leaving me unprotected, bare to the core. He set me free and it was frightening.

That day at the beach changed me. We talked about everything while the echoes of our laughter traveled with the breeze. I noted the feeling of the grains of sand on my feet, the smell of the ocean air, the sound of the waves lapping the shore. We stopped as the sun began to set over the horizon. He brushed the hair away from my face. I looked at him, struggling to see him as more than a shadow as the sun's light reflected from the water into my eyes. What must have been only a few moments seemed like an eternity. In the final moments of the sunset, he took me in his arms and whispered something into my ear.

I stood there watching the sun complete its descent. The sun was gone. And so was he.

I didn't even get a chance to ask for his name.

On The Beach
Image courtesy of Le Love

Monday, March 15, 2010

"You're young and high maintenance."

By most standards, I'm neither of these. Perhaps relatively speaking, I could be both.

I will first start with the age issue because that is more clearly defined. I'm heading for "late twenties." I wouldn't call that young. If you're older than me, that makes me younger than you.

Now on to the main point. What exactly does it mean to be high maintenance? According to Urban Dictionary, the top two definitions are as follows:

1. Requiring a lot of attention. When describing a person, high maintenance usually means that the individual is emotionally needy or prone to over-dramatizing a situation to gain attention.

2. A person who has expensive taste (re: clothing, restaurants, etc.). This person is never comfortable because he/she is constantly concerned about his/her appearance. This person feels they are better than most people and usually judge others based on outward appearances.

Let's break it down from the beginning, one point at a time.

  • Requiring a lot of attention
    You can say this about a lot of things: babies, pets, antique cars. Does that make these things also high maintenance? Sure, I can see that. I can also see why this might prevent some people from investing in such things. My take on it is that if something doesn't require a lot of your attention, it probably isn't worthwhile, especially if you're unwilling to give it the attention.

  • Emotionally needy
    This one is a little vague because it's really subjective and unique for different people. Where is the line between normal and needy? Expecting to speak with your significant other on a daily basis, a need to spend time with a person at least a few times a week, constantly calling/texting/emailing - some things are clearly needy while others lay in the murky gray area. It really depends how an individual defines it.

  • Over-dramatizes situations to gain attention
    I didn't realize attention whores were the same as people who are high maintenance. Enough said.

  • Expensive taste (clothing, restaurants, etc.)
    Who doesn't like nice things? I guarantee you that any female, if given the chance, would not willingly turn down a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes. NOT ONE. That doesn't necessarily mean they are all high maintenance. All it really shows is that women like nice things, especially those associated to labels. It also does not mean that she will only purchase branded items. ...and if, in fact, she will only be satiated by expensive things, then by all means, stamp her as high maintenance; I will approve.

  • Always uncomfortable because s/he is concerned about his/her appearance
    Do you really know somebody that is like this? Can't have a good time and is always uncomfortable because s/he is worried about how s/he looks? Seriously? This one is too easy. Figure it out yourself. *shaking my head*

  • Thinks s/he is better than most
    This isn't high maintenance. This is a superiority complex. Just going by the definition, folks.

  • Judges others by their physical appearance
    This reminds me of the age-old adage: "Don't judge a book by its cover." We all do it. Come on. You're telling me that you've never been attracted to a magazine at the grocery store checkout based on its cover? I bet you can't deny it. Humans are visual creatures. Looks and appeal are what you first notice across the bar. It's what prompts you to "make a move." Granted, you make judgments based on the entire package including what's on the "inside." Regardless if you do or don't, judging someone by physical appearance alone makes you shallow, not high maintenance. Again, just going by the definition.

My final take on this is that while yes, some may consider me to possess several of these characteristics, I think very few people who actually know me would categorize me as high maintenance. Truthfully, I *AM* high maintenance. However, I don't require the "maintenance" from anyone else but myself. I treat myself with the utmost respect, I buy myself nice things, I attempt to look good for myself. While it's nice to receive these things from someone else, I am not dependent on it. So go ahead. Call me high maintenance.

You can also call me young, too, if you can call yourself old.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Have you ever been on a date that actually turned out to be a non-date or vice versa? More and more frequently these days, I have received several perplexed communications (from both men and women) wondering if they're about to go on a date or if it's "just a friend" thing. I have also fallen victim to this confusion on more than one occasion. What is the tell-tale sign that one is on a date?

I have been informed by a very good (male) friend of mine that a man will only ask a woman to dinner if he views in her a romantic light (i.e. he's asking her out on a date).

Based on personal experiences, I am inclined to disagree with this assumption. I have gone to plenty of dinners with male friends in a one-on-one situation and those were purely platonic. Upon closer inspection, though, I would have to admit that many of these dinners were my suggestion. Regardless, I'm sure there have been times when the other party has suggested the outing.

My friend states that yes, of course, there are times when he will have dinner with a woman with only friendship in mind, but those are far and few between. He also said that should dinner occur, it is usually appended to a different social meeting and it just so happens that it ran into dinnertime. He argues:

Socializing over dinner is a female thing. It's not like I ever call up my buddy, Joe, and say, 'I haven't talked to you in awhile! Let's catch up over dinner!' NO! Of course, not. Guys like to 'hang out' or 'shoot the shit.' Socialize over beer or go watch a movie or go shoot some pool. Listen, if a guy is asking a girl out to dinner, it's because he wants to go to dinner with her. Otherwise, he'd say, 'Let's hang out. Let's have a drink/watch a movie/shoot some pool.' We don't do dinner, do we?

Well, explained that way, I can see that. And he's right - we don't do dinner, at least not since we dated. (Another reason I am predisposed to believe what he says especially when there's an outright connection to where we stand/once stood). However, I am not convinced. This is a la He's Just Not That Into You, but I do believe that if a man is attracted and interested in a woman, he will let her know. Nothing will be vague - it will be crystal clear: THIS IS A DATE.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

There's something about you that makes people really like you. You're magnetic.

About a year ago, a friend said something similar to me. At the time, I thought he was just saying it to be nice. I've always considered myself to be rather shy, slightly introverted, and somewhat of a wallflower. I do well in one-on-one or small gathering situations, but thrown into a larger group or party and I tend to shut down. In many circumstances, I attempt to make a good impression on people, but I leave feeling like I've left a fairly mediocre to no impression at all. I often believe that people forget about me soon after meeting me.

Needless to say, I was extremely skeptical about people being "drawn to me" or *really* liking me. In the last few months, however, I have been told much the same from various people, including friends I've known for quite some time and others I had recently become acquainted with. So when yet another friend made the aforementioned statement to me last night, I decided I should sit up straight, pay attention, and take her word for it.

If I take it as truth, though, I have to try to understand the reasoning behind it. Why do I attract people? What am I doing or saying that makes people take such a liking to me?

"[My] first impression [of you] was that you are really cool and nice."

This was a nice albeit vague thing to hear. But I think I get it:
  • I'm easy to talk to because I listen. I'm also, therefore, down to earth.

  • I have a wide variety of interests so there's a high probability I have something in common with most people.

  • Oh yeah. And I'm nice.

When did nice people become a scarcity? A week ago, I volunteered to bring my friend soup, orange juice, and medicine because he told me he was starting to get sick. I thought I was just extending a courtesy any friend would put forth, but he seemed surprised by it. He told me I was sweet to offer to bring him a care package. Again, I thought I was just being a good friend.

I like being nice, sweet, and a good friend. Maybe people are drawn to me because that is rare to find these days.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I have always felt that I lead an extremely fortunate and lucky life. I am exceptionally privileged to be surrounded by incredibly talented, intellectual, hard working, and fascinating people. The likes of which these people are capable of never ceases to astound me.

While I am endlessly impressed and inspired by these people, I constantly find myself lacking and utterly failing to live up to that standard. It reminds me of a quote from Looking for Alaska by John Green regarding his feelings for a woman that was seemingly out of his league:

...I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. ...if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane.

I find myself feeling slightly discouraged by it all from time to time, but then I realize that it just means I need to push harder, work more diligently, and strive higher consequently putting me back on the path with renewed vigor and vengeance. I will not fail those around me; I will live passionately, for everything life is worth.

This morning, as I was leaving the gym and walking to my car, a man approached me and said,

"You are stunning."

Then he walked away. No creepy come on or bullshit. Just a compliment.

Even for a second, even if it was just based on physical appearance, someone thought I was stunning. I almost cried.

Friday, February 12, 2010

I have no business looking at engagement rings, but I came across this wedding set by Kirk Kara and I fell in love. I would like this with the center diamond as either a round brilliant or princess cut as opposed to the emerald cut shown in the image. Did I ever mention how much I adore sapphires? *swoon*

Image courtesy of Kirk Kara