Thursday, May 06, 2010

As it seems that this is not obvious to everyone, whenever something is written in italics and it is not dialogue or a quote, it means it's fiction. I write because I love writing.

Tell Me I Am Worth It

If I could choose, I wouldn't feel this way.
I wouldn't think the world of you.
I wouldn't have the urge to grab your hand.
I wouldn't want to lie my head in your lap.
I wouldn't secretly enjoy 'Goodbyes' because they came with an embrace.
I wouldn't be excited to see your name appear on my phone.
I wouldn't rearrange my schedule to fit yours.
I wouldn't just want to be near you just to be in your presence.
If I could choose, I wouldn't care for someone who so obviously does not care for me.

Instead, all I can do is wait. I wait for you to care. I wait for you.

The truth is, I do think the world of you. You are the most intelligent and talented person I have ever known. I know that there is nothing that you can't do or accomplish. You make me question the things I thought I knew and understood. You open my eyes to so many different ideas and views that I've never even had thoughts about. You astound me.

The truth is, I always have the urge to grab your hand. I just want to feel it holding on to mine, just to feel your touch. There is something so intimate and magical about your touch like I can be connected to everything that is so amazing about you.

The truth is, I want to lie my head in your lap. There is something so wonderfully comforting about you that makes me believe that there are only good things to come when I am with you. An overwhelming sense of ease and contentment washes over me, like you could protect me from everything bad.

The truth is, I hate saying 'Goodbye' but I love feeling your arms around me in an embrace. It makes leaving so bittersweet. Oh, but the sweetness of being held even for just a brief moment makes the world feel right instead of the tailspin I habitually live. Time freezes, everything is perfect, and there's nowhere else I'd rather be but standing right there in your arms.

The truth is, every time my phone rings, my insides clench in anticipation of seeing your name and when it appears, my heart nearly bursts from excitement. Even frivolous conversation feels meaningful, deep, poetic. I can feel the emotion and passion in your words and it humbles me.

The truth is, I would drop anything just for a second with you because everything seems pale and unimportant in comparison to you. I must have done something good in this life to deserve the moments I share with you.

The truth is, being near you, just in your presence, leaves me with a sense of peace and calm like stepping inside after being caught in a thunderstorm. You are the warm, inviting fire that I want to curl up next to while listening to the rain falling, the thunder crashing on the outside.

If I could choose, I would not feel invisible and insignificant next to your brilliance.

Instead, all I can do is wait. I wait for you to tell me I am worth it. I wait for you.

Tell Me I Am Worth It
Images courtesy of Le Love

Friday, April 02, 2010

When I met him, I knew.

He had a way of filling the cracks and crevices in my heart; I didn't even know they were there until they were empty once more.

In my mind, I paint pictures of him in colors that don't exist, I hear him in melodies that have yet to be written.

I remember the way he looked at me - with intensity and fire in his eyes. He stripped away the steel barriers with a melting gaze leaving me unprotected, bare to the core. He set me free and it was frightening.

That day at the beach changed me. We talked about everything while the echoes of our laughter traveled with the breeze. I noted the feeling of the grains of sand on my feet, the smell of the ocean air, the sound of the waves lapping the shore. We stopped as the sun began to set over the horizon. He brushed the hair away from my face. I looked at him, struggling to see him as more than a shadow as the sun's light reflected from the water into my eyes. What must have been only a few moments seemed like an eternity. In the final moments of the sunset, he took me in his arms and whispered something into my ear.

I stood there watching the sun complete its descent. The sun was gone. And so was he.

I didn't even get a chance to ask for his name.

On The Beach
Image courtesy of Le Love

Monday, March 15, 2010

"You're young and high maintenance."

By most standards, I'm neither of these. Perhaps relatively speaking, I could be both.

I will first start with the age issue because that is more clearly defined. I'm heading for "late twenties." I wouldn't call that young. If you're older than me, that makes me younger than you.

Now on to the main point. What exactly does it mean to be high maintenance? According to Urban Dictionary, the top two definitions are as follows:

1. Requiring a lot of attention. When describing a person, high maintenance usually means that the individual is emotionally needy or prone to over-dramatizing a situation to gain attention.

2. A person who has expensive taste (re: clothing, restaurants, etc.). This person is never comfortable because he/she is constantly concerned about his/her appearance. This person feels they are better than most people and usually judge others based on outward appearances.

Let's break it down from the beginning, one point at a time.

  • Requiring a lot of attention
    You can say this about a lot of things: babies, pets, antique cars. Does that make these things also high maintenance? Sure, I can see that. I can also see why this might prevent some people from investing in such things. My take on it is that if something doesn't require a lot of your attention, it probably isn't worthwhile, especially if you're unwilling to give it the attention.

  • Emotionally needy
    This one is a little vague because it's really subjective and unique for different people. Where is the line between normal and needy? Expecting to speak with your significant other on a daily basis, a need to spend time with a person at least a few times a week, constantly calling/texting/emailing - some things are clearly needy while others lay in the murky gray area. It really depends how an individual defines it.

  • Over-dramatizes situations to gain attention
    I didn't realize attention whores were the same as people who are high maintenance. Enough said.

  • Expensive taste (clothing, restaurants, etc.)
    Who doesn't like nice things? I guarantee you that any female, if given the chance, would not willingly turn down a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes. NOT ONE. That doesn't necessarily mean they are all high maintenance. All it really shows is that women like nice things, especially those associated to labels. It also does not mean that she will only purchase branded items. ...and if, in fact, she will only be satiated by expensive things, then by all means, stamp her as high maintenance; I will approve.

  • Always uncomfortable because s/he is concerned about his/her appearance
    Do you really know somebody that is like this? Can't have a good time and is always uncomfortable because s/he is worried about how s/he looks? Seriously? This one is too easy. Figure it out yourself. *shaking my head*

  • Thinks s/he is better than most
    This isn't high maintenance. This is a superiority complex. Just going by the definition, folks.

  • Judges others by their physical appearance
    This reminds me of the age-old adage: "Don't judge a book by its cover." We all do it. Come on. You're telling me that you've never been attracted to a magazine at the grocery store checkout based on its cover? I bet you can't deny it. Humans are visual creatures. Looks and appeal are what you first notice across the bar. It's what prompts you to "make a move." Granted, you make judgments based on the entire package including what's on the "inside." Regardless if you do or don't, judging someone by physical appearance alone makes you shallow, not high maintenance. Again, just going by the definition.

My final take on this is that while yes, some may consider me to possess several of these characteristics, I think very few people who actually know me would categorize me as high maintenance. Truthfully, I *AM* high maintenance. However, I don't require the "maintenance" from anyone else but myself. I treat myself with the utmost respect, I buy myself nice things, I attempt to look good for myself. While it's nice to receive these things from someone else, I am not dependent on it. So go ahead. Call me high maintenance.

You can also call me young, too, if you can call yourself old.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Have you ever been on a date that actually turned out to be a non-date or vice versa? More and more frequently these days, I have received several perplexed communications (from both men and women) wondering if they're about to go on a date or if it's "just a friend" thing. I have also fallen victim to this confusion on more than one occasion. What is the tell-tale sign that one is on a date?

I have been informed by a very good (male) friend of mine that a man will only ask a woman to dinner if he views in her a romantic light (i.e. he's asking her out on a date).

Based on personal experiences, I am inclined to disagree with this assumption. I have gone to plenty of dinners with male friends in a one-on-one situation and those were purely platonic. Upon closer inspection, though, I would have to admit that many of these dinners were my suggestion. Regardless, I'm sure there have been times when the other party has suggested the outing.

My friend states that yes, of course, there are times when he will have dinner with a woman with only friendship in mind, but those are far and few between. He also said that should dinner occur, it is usually appended to a different social meeting and it just so happens that it ran into dinnertime. He argues:

Socializing over dinner is a female thing. It's not like I ever call up my buddy, Joe, and say, 'I haven't talked to you in awhile! Let's catch up over dinner!' NO! Of course, not. Guys like to 'hang out' or 'shoot the shit.' Socialize over beer or go watch a movie or go shoot some pool. Listen, if a guy is asking a girl out to dinner, it's because he wants to go to dinner with her. Otherwise, he'd say, 'Let's hang out. Let's have a drink/watch a movie/shoot some pool.' We don't do dinner, do we?

Well, explained that way, I can see that. And he's right - we don't do dinner, at least not since we dated. (Another reason I am predisposed to believe what he says especially when there's an outright connection to where we stand/once stood). However, I am not convinced. This is a la He's Just Not That Into You, but I do believe that if a man is attracted and interested in a woman, he will let her know. Nothing will be vague - it will be crystal clear: THIS IS A DATE.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

There's something about you that makes people really like you. You're magnetic.

About a year ago, a friend said something similar to me. At the time, I thought he was just saying it to be nice. I've always considered myself to be rather shy, slightly introverted, and somewhat of a wallflower. I do well in one-on-one or small gathering situations, but thrown into a larger group or party and I tend to shut down. In many circumstances, I attempt to make a good impression on people, but I leave feeling like I've left a fairly mediocre to no impression at all. I often believe that people forget about me soon after meeting me.

Needless to say, I was extremely skeptical about people being "drawn to me" or *really* liking me. In the last few months, however, I have been told much the same from various people, including friends I've known for quite some time and others I had recently become acquainted with. So when yet another friend made the aforementioned statement to me last night, I decided I should sit up straight, pay attention, and take her word for it.

If I take it as truth, though, I have to try to understand the reasoning behind it. Why do I attract people? What am I doing or saying that makes people take such a liking to me?

"[My] first impression [of you] was that you are really cool and nice."

This was a nice albeit vague thing to hear. But I think I get it:
  • I'm easy to talk to because I listen. I'm also, therefore, down to earth.

  • I have a wide variety of interests so there's a high probability I have something in common with most people.

  • Oh yeah. And I'm nice.

When did nice people become a scarcity? A week ago, I volunteered to bring my friend soup, orange juice, and medicine because he told me he was starting to get sick. I thought I was just extending a courtesy any friend would put forth, but he seemed surprised by it. He told me I was sweet to offer to bring him a care package. Again, I thought I was just being a good friend.

I like being nice, sweet, and a good friend. Maybe people are drawn to me because that is rare to find these days.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I have always felt that I lead an extremely fortunate and lucky life. I am exceptionally privileged to be surrounded by incredibly talented, intellectual, hard working, and fascinating people. The likes of which these people are capable of never ceases to astound me.

While I am endlessly impressed and inspired by these people, I constantly find myself lacking and utterly failing to live up to that standard. It reminds me of a quote from Looking for Alaska by John Green regarding his feelings for a woman that was seemingly out of his league:

...I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. ...if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane.

I find myself feeling slightly discouraged by it all from time to time, but then I realize that it just means I need to push harder, work more diligently, and strive higher consequently putting me back on the path with renewed vigor and vengeance. I will not fail those around me; I will live passionately, for everything life is worth.

This morning, as I was leaving the gym and walking to my car, a man approached me and said,

"You are stunning."

Then he walked away. No creepy come on or bullshit. Just a compliment.

Even for a second, even if it was just based on physical appearance, someone thought I was stunning. I almost cried.

Friday, February 12, 2010

I have no business looking at engagement rings, but I came across this wedding set by Kirk Kara and I fell in love. I would like this with the center diamond as either a round brilliant or princess cut as opposed to the emerald cut shown in the image. Did I ever mention how much I adore sapphires? *swoon*

Image courtesy of Kirk Kara

Thursday, February 11, 2010

I had a conversation over dinner last night that kept me awake, tossing and turning. When I got back to my apartment, my whole being felt agitated and uneasy. It must have been obvious because my roommate suggested going to Yogurtland to unwind. I could have used a glass or two... or hell, a whole bottle... of wine, but I suppose yogurt works just as well.

The topic of this stimulating conversation:

The need to be in deeply connected, fulfilling relationship.

I have spent the last two years trying to disprove this in my own life. All I had ever known before then was the happiness I felt from being validated by my relationships. I can honestly say that I am more comfortable with myself now more than ever and I'm the happiest I have ever been. I feel truly blessed in my life and I didn't need a man in it to achieve this.

My problem is with the word need. Sure, it would be nice to have a significant other to share my life with, but that's a want. I need water and food to survive. I don't need a relationship; I can live and be happy without one. However, being the romantic that I am, I also know that I will never feel complete without that deep, spiritual, emotional bond and love that you can only share with your soulmate.

If you can't feel complete without it, then you need it.

I hate being wrong but I didn't have a response. Even after an entire night of thinking about it, I can't deny it.

So then I began to think to about the futileness of my attempts to be completely free of a need for love. But truth be told, I needed this time alone to discover myself. Being at peace with myself and knowing who I am makes me a better person for whomever I share my life with. The reality of the situation, though, is that if I become complacent with my situation as it stands, it is no different than settling on the mediocrity of my past career. Similarly, I am comfortable with where I am now but I know that there is something better out there that will make me happier and feel complete. If I don't pursue that, I am doing a great disservice to myself.

At the end of the day, I do need love. Damn you for being right. On the positive side, dinner and your company was lovely, even if the restaurant didn't get your order right.

Image courtesy of Le Love

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I have a thing for packaging. It's my inner arts and crafts side coming out. I absolutely adore the packaging on Vosges chocolates. I don't even know if the chocolates are good, but I want them just for the packaging. Gorgeous.

Images courtesy of Vosges
Addressing my new blog theme - a couple of years ago, my best friend, Stacey, sent me a story that I took to heart in a deep and profound way. It's a story I carry with me to this very day. It has helped me through many difficult situations and struggles in the last couple of years. A few months ago, my very good friend (who I've known and loved since middle school), Cindy, designed a personalized butterfly logo for me. (She is a truly amazing designer and you should check out her blog). When I saw the logo for the first time, it literally took my breath away. Perfection - blue is my favorite color, the heart represents my romantic view on life and love, and, of course, the butterfly itself from the story. The logo is a true representation of me, as is the writing in this blog. Thank you so much for being a part of my world and sharing in the experiences of my life. A special Thank You to Stacey for sharing the story that I hold so dear and to Cindy for creating "Tammy" in an image.

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Work is a little slow today so I found myself perusing Anthropologie. Why do I torture myself? I'm in love:

Images courtesy of Anthropologie
I'm beginning to believe that every romantic relationship will undoubtedly come to an end. Those that don't become more of a friendship than a romantic relationship.

In recent months, I have dated several men that have told me about passionate, wonderful relationships with incredible women that just end up "fizzing out." He didn't change; she didn't change. My take on it is that people get bored. That doesn't necessarily mean I believe that people are boring. On the contrary - most people are quite interesting with different habits, morals, thoughts, and actions. However, once you become intimately acquainted with these nuances, it is no longer interesting because you're not discovering anything new.

I've been seeing Mike for the last two months. We used to see each other quite frequently but recently, we've only been seeing each other once a week. This doesn't bother me - I'm a busy girl with a schedule, lots of friends, and big dreams. Translation: I'm not into this guy enough to make time for him or a relationship. Likewise, he doesn't pressure me to spend more time with him. I think we got too much of each other too quickly and now it's burnt out. You have to pace these things.

This same guy told me about one of his past relationships that he still looks back on rather fondly. They didn't break up because of a lack of love but because they had "already done everything."

Huh? I was confused by this statement, too.

He explained that in the two years they were together, they did everything: traveled, bought stuff, celebrated holidays, lived together, etc. He said that by the end of the relationship, if someone asked them what they wanted to do that weekend or even that day, they wouldn't have an answer because they felt like everything that could be done, had been done. Therefore, since there was nothing left to do, it would only go downhill from that point forward. So they decided to end things while they were still good so it never got to the point of complete boredom and loathing.

I do believe that relationships and bonds are made up of simple experiences of being together, so I'm still unsure of this reasoning. While boredom and routine happen to many couples, I would think that if the connection and deep rooted emotions were still prevalent, these wouldn't be an issue. I suppose what I'm really trying to say is that if someone is truly priceless to you, then you would work it out or at least attempt to. Ultimately, it's not about the things you do, achieve, or accumulate, it's about how you've done it together and all the small experiences in between. Just like life, relationships are about the journey, not the destination.

A part of me feels jaded. It's been a long time since I've really liked somebody and I'm not sure I remember how. Then again, I am and always will be a hopeless romantic.

I miss the feeling of excitement to hear my phone ring and see his name appear. I miss spending that extra fifteen minutes to get ready because I want to make sure I look good for him. Mostly, I miss giving unconditionally just because his happiness is mine.

When We Are Together
Image courtesy of Le Love