Thursday, July 31, 2003

I had quite a busy day yesterday. I finally slept until a semi-decent time (9:30am). I find that I've been unconsciously waking up at 8am every day. I hate it when there's so much crap going on in my mind that can't even sleep. I haven't taken the sleeping pills again, so you guys don't have to worry about me. Yoga is actually a better solution than sleeping pills. Anyhow. So I got up and went online for awhile (talking to Christine and Chris). Then, all of the sudden, it was noon and I hadn't showered. That was bad since I was supposed to meet Carolen for lunch at 12:30pm. So I quickly showered, got dressed, and hauled ass to campus. We had lunch at Stuffed Inn, as always. But now that I'm vegetarian, I've lost all appetite, so I didn't eat very much. Then I hung out with Carolen in Soda while she held office hours. Afterwards, I headed down to lab. Then, after lab, Robert came and picked me up from Soda so we could go to dinner at Macaroni Grill (mmm...). That was a lot of fun! Since it was still early, we decided to catch Tomb Raider 2. Wow. Angelina Jolie is HOT. I still think she's got huge lips, but DAMN! Anyhow, I had fun. It was a good day.
So there's this one scene in Tomb Raider where Angelina Jolie PUNCHES a shark in the face. I was highly amused/impressed. Now THAT'S how I want to fight. =] That would be FABULOUS!

Tuesday, July 29, 2003

How have you been lately?
Fabulous. The weather is fabulous. My friends are fabulous. My family is fabulous. Absolutely fabulous.
Day 7: Did some bench presses and saw a hot girl. She was hot. I kept wondering what major she was in because it definitely wasn't CS. =] Then I did some curls and a leg workout. It felt good. I haven't been to the gym in awhile and I missed the happy endorphins going through my body. Then we (Charlie, Brian, Ed, and I) headed on down to the boxing room. Heh =]. Since we had wraps, we did some REAL stuff. Or at least I felt more comfortable hitting the bag since it didn't kill my hands. It was still a bit uncomfortable because we forgot to bring the tape and the wrap is kind of thin (Ed and Brian took the cloth ones). Charlie was full on going at it and started to bleed, so I had to protect him from the bag. That was fun. Then we headed over to Charlie and Brian's apartment so Charlie could wash up. We took a cool picture of me kicking Charlie's ass! Haha. =]
So I'm vegetarian again. For how long this time? Until my heart is done re-growing. I'm trying to cleanse my body of the past so that I can truly start anew. Even though a part of me would still like to hold on, I know it's really not going to do me any good. So I've had a slight detour from my path in life. So I fell into a huge ditch. I'm not going to sit at the bottom of the hole and rot there. I have to climb out... and every good climber knows to NOT LOOK DOWN. So I just have to climb on out without looking back. I'm working on it.

Sunday, July 27, 2003

So I've been totally emotional because I just got on my rag. This is what ALWAYS happens when I get on my period; I get super emotional and anything and everything upsets me. I suppose that's what caused my outburst on that fateful day. That kind of sucks because now I'd have to think about what would have happened if I hadn't had my rag and been all crazy emotional. I suppose it would have happened eventually. And I guess I'm a little less idealistic now. But I'm a bit sad that I've lost that romance... but I suppose it's good that I don't expect everything to turn out peachy. So I used to think that as long as two people loved each other, it was all that mattered and that things would work out if they tried. Maybe not. I've learned that you can be completely in love with somebody, yet s/he is the wrong person for you... and you just have to let go because you know it's best for both of you. Sometimes, you just fall in love with the wrong person, but that doesn't mean you love him/her any less. It takes strength to be able to say, "I love you, but you're not the right person for me" and then let that person go. I guess love just isn't enough sometimes.
I brought my sister's yoga DVDs up with me. There's a section that's supposed to relieve stress. It's actually been really helpful. You do all these stretches and breathing exercises. It's very relaxing. Afterwards, I just feel like lying there and never getting up because my body and mind are so relaxed. It really is SUCH a stress reliever. I recommend yoga to EVERYBODY. And no, I'm not just doing it because it's the trendy thing to do. I really do think it's helpful.
Ooh. Brian and I went to Big 5 today and bought some wraps for our hands; now we're hardcore fighters. =] I also bought a basketball to keep in my trunk so I can be a true "balla." Haha. I'd be like, "Yeah! I have a ball in my trunk! Let's ball!" Then we headed over to Target so I could buy a yoga mat to do my yoga exercises on. Exciting, huh? So yeah. I'm gonna be all toned. It's gonna be great. I'll be in better shape than I was in while running track. That would be SO awesome. AND I'll be able to fight and take someone out. THAT'S GREAT.
Oh. And did you know? "I'm not a playa, I just f*ck a lot." AND... "I'm a mother-f*cking P-I-M-P" Hahaha. =] Gotta love it.

Saturday, July 26, 2003

I didn't like this song at first, but somehow the lyrics brings new meaning to the song. I like it. =]

When I thought I knew you,
Thinking that you were true
I guess I, I couldn't trust
Called your bluff, time is up
'Cause I've had enough
You were, there by my side
Always down for the ride
But your, joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out of shame

After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter

Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Never saw it coming
All of your backstabbing
Just so you could cash in
On a good thing before I realized your game
I heard you're going round
Playing the victim now
But don't even begin
Feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave

After all of the fights and the lies
Yes you wanted to harm me but that won't work anymore
No more, oh no, it's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now
And never back down
So I wanna say thank you

How could this man I thought I knew
Turn out to be unjust, so cruel
Could only see the good in you
Pretended not to see the truth
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself
Through living in denial
But in the end you'll see
You won't stop me

I am a fighter and I
I ain't goin' stop
There is no turning back
I've had enough

Thought I would forget
But I remember
I remember
I'll remember, I'll remember

- Christina Aguilera, Fighter

Friday, July 25, 2003

Everybody keeps telling me that there are "more fish in the sea." I think most people don't understand my situation. It's not that I don't believe that I'll find love again; I know I WILL. I never had any doubts about my future happiness. I know that I'm going to get through this an be stronger than I was before. But people just need to understand that I'm in mourning right now. There's always going to be a mourning period, even if you know things will be better in the end. After all, I did lose something and somebody very special and dear to me. I think I have the right to feel the loss for awhile. That's not to say I'm not trying to get better. And if truth be told, I am a lot better than I was a couple of weeks ago. Each day is a new day and my heart grows stronger by the minute. No. I don't doubt that the future holds happiness for me.
I've been thinking a lot about soul mates and what it really means to be a soul mate. I always imagined to people to be half circles simply searching for their other halves. But then there's the idea that perhaps your soul mate is not necessarily "The One." After all, no one understands you better emotionally than your soul mate. But what if you just feel no attraction or chemistry in the way you would feel towards a significant other? Yet... you know there's this special bond between the two of you that binds you together forever. I'm beginning to think that there are two different types of soul intermingling (for lack of better terms). So there's one person that totally understands you and feels your emotions along with you. That is the person your soul intertwines with. Visually, I see two souls just twining together, kind of like DNA. But then there is "The One" who completes you and together, you make a complete circle. I'm not sure if this is just a load of bull shit my mind has conjured up to explain away things. Like, how am I to explain that I feel that I have found my soul mate, yet I was/am not with him and that I was completely devoted and in love with somebody else? I'm not sure. But I always visualized it this way...
I think we've sort of become the joke of the heavens. Here we are, given the greatest gift of finding our soul mate and even realizing it... yet, we are too stupid to do anything about it. We both acknowledge it to be the truth, yet we sit around pining for other people and hurting ourselves when we're right under each others' noses. If we were ever to tell other people that we think we're soul mates, they'd think we were nuts. I mean, we both know it to be true and agree on it, but we aren't together. I don't know. Maybe it's wrong timing. Or maybe we're just total retards. Anyway... I can hear the heavens laughing on us. We've become such a huge joke to them. "Let's put these two soul mates together, make them realize that they're soul mates, and see how long it takes for them to take the hint and actually get together!"
I never thought I'd be in this kind of situation. I was afraid that I wouoldn't recognize my soul mate when I met him, but I was never afraid that I would be too stupid to actually be with him once I found him. I'm thinking that his views are starting to rub off on me. I mean, I really never saw us as anything more than friends, but now I'm thinking maybe one day we'll both realize that we're idiots. I think we just need that extra nudge. Maybe when we lose each other (i.e. one of us moves away), we'll realize how much we need each other. Well, I already know that I need him, but not in that way. It's still kind of hard for me to see us together, but the more time our souls keep intermingling, the image kind of flashes. Maybe one day it will be a clear, defined picture.
As for now, I'm taking it one day at a time. I've been through a huge ordeal in losing somebody I reallly loved and truly believed to be "The One" person I was supposed to be with. Now that he's completely fallen off his pedestal, I must regain my own self worth and ability to love. A heart takes time to grow back. (Yep. I decided to throw the old one away since it's no use to me anymore). But I have no doubt that I'll be better than I was before.

Thursday, July 24, 2003

First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ED!!
I'm still not sure if I was ready for that book. A lot of the anger is gone and now there's this ache. It's not outright pain, but it's not much better. I suppose it's getting a little better because I don't want to cry (not really) that it's over, but smile because it happened. For some reason, the memory of katsu oysters flittered into my mind and it made me want to laugh. I think that was one of my fondest memories; it was really those little things when we just spent time being together just for the sake of being together that stand out most in my mind and in my heart. There are some memories that make me smile and be glad that it happened, but then there are other memories that produce the ache I'm feeling... like I've lost something great. January 10, 2002. The day we watched the sun set over Hermosa Beach. It was one of those moments that a person wishes could last an eternity. Don't get me wrong; I'm glad that it happened, but it also leaves an imprint on my heart that doesn't feel too good right now.
I am grateful for everything we did share. Most of all, I'm grateful for feeling the unconditional love that I've only read about in books or seen in movies. I now know that I have the capacity to love somebody to the depths of my soul... and I'm glad. No one can take that away from me.

Wednesday, July 23, 2003

Day 6: Balled with Brian and Charlie in the afternoon. I tried to shoot 3-pointers, but I simply don't have that kind of strength to shoot that far. Later that night, we went back for weight lifting. Wow. I actually have muscles! I didn't realize they existed in my body!
I hate my subconscious. It's apparently trying to tell me something every time I dream. Blah blah blah. "You need closure." Blah blah blah. Dammit. Just when I thought I could stay angry and not have to feel any of the hurt. I hate it when my heart finally speaks up. Sigh. Guess I will be reading Mars and Venus Starting Over.

Tuesday, July 22, 2003

Day 5: After becoming un-sore from two days of resting, we headed back to the gym. Brian is NOT a good spotter; he let the bar fall on me while we were benching! Then I did some curls and headed on down to the punching bags. I thought my hands would be okay if I wrapped them in a towel, but no. That wasn't a smart idea. So after one good swing, I started bleeding. That was not fun at all. Eh. At least I had that one good swing.
So my sister brought up a book for me: Mars and Venus Starting Over. It's by the same person who wrote Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. I don't think I'm ready to read this book yet. It keeps talking about "letting go with love" and "allowing yourself to hurt." I'm thinking that this anger I have right now is better than allowing myself to hurt. So... this book is going under the bed for awhile.

Saturday, July 19, 2003

Day 4: Went ballin' with Brian, Ed, and Holly. Holly and I got our asses beat, but what did you really expect from two little asian girls against a black guy? We had fun anyway. Since I was so sore, I couldn't play very well, but that's okay.
We (Brian, Holly, Ed, Charlie, Nicole, and I) headed over to the lake by Tilden Park to go swimming. I was trying to tan, so I didn't get in the water. The sun didn't stay out too long since we got there so late. Eh. Then Brian almost drowns. That wasn't too amusing. Afterwards, we hung out and Brian and Charlie's apartment. We ordered pizza and watched Shanghai Knights. It was quite amusing, indeed. Then I picked up my sister from the airport and went to sleep. Exciting, yes?

Friday, July 18, 2003

Day 3: Learned how to "correctly" shoot a basketball. I'm gonna be a "balla!" =] Then headed back down to bench some weights. Finished off with some form and movement work for boxing.
I'm so sore. My whole body is sore. That's not fun at all. Anyhow. We tried to go to Hooters last night (in San Francisco), but it was super crowded, so that didn't turn out too well. I did, however, buy a pair of pink gym shorts and I had them iron on "Sweet Rice" on the ass. =] That's my new fight club name. Holly got one that says "Riceball." Hah. Brian is "Wild Rice," Charlie is "Long Grain," and Ed is "Rice Bucket." We're dorks... in a good way!

Thursday, July 17, 2003

I went to the RSF (Recreational Sports Facility, aka the gym) for the first time EVER. They're training me to be a fighting machine. =]
Day 1: Benched the bar. I was so proud of myself. For anyone who knows me, they know my arms are weak sauce. I was surprised I could do the bar at all. Then did some curls, but not too many. Then headed on down to where they keep the punching bags. That was FUN. Ed taught me the correct form on how to punch because I was apparently doing it all wrong. I proceeded to punch the bag with all my pent up emotions. It was very therapeutic. I ended up taking off a lot of skin on my knuckles and fingers, so they kind of hurt now. That's okay, though. It's the good type of pain. It looks like I got into a huge fight with somebody.
Day 2: Benched the bar... and then some. =] That was pretty exciting. Then I did some squats, which is fine by me because my legs are the most toned parts of my body. That was fun. Once more, I went on down to where the punching bags are located. Since my hands were all cut up, I couldn't actually hit anything. I worked on my form and tried using my left hand. That wasn't too pretty. I tried.
Anyhow. I've had so much pent up anger and I just want to be able to take someone out if I really wanted to. Hence, they're making me into a fighting machine. Be careful as to not get on my bad side or you might find yourself knocked out by a small, asian girl.

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands, standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone wishing all my feeling was gone
I gave my best to you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry
One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I've gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I guess I'm down to my last cry

Saturday, July 12, 2003

I realize now that I have to let go. It's not only detrimental to my health, but also to those people who care about me.

Thursday, July 10, 2003

"I don't want you trying to get with me and I end up unhappy. I don't need the hurt and I don't need the pain. So before I do, give myself to you, I have to know the truth... If you had my love and I gave you all my trust, would you comfort me? And if somehow you knew that your love would be untrue, would you lie to me and call me baby?"
I'm gonna make sure I know the answers to these questions before giving my heart out again. There's only so many times a girl's heart can break without breaking her spirit, also. So far, I've been careless in who I have entrusted my heart with. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I'm a huge retard. "It's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust."
I suppose I've been too idealistic. I always believed that love was enough to pull a couple through anything. I didn't think any problem was insurmountable for two people in love. "'How do you know when enough is enough?' 'In love, it's never enough.'" That's always made me give 110% into something I believed to be worthwhile. I would've tried anything to make things work because I truly believed that it was something worth fighting for. But I guess it's not enough if the other person doesn't also feel the same way.
I feel like I keep running into a brick wall. So I've reached a fork in the road. To my left, there's a clear path, although a little bit dark. I can see that there's a nice scene lying at the far end of the clear path. To my right, there's a brick wall. I'm not sure what's behind it, but something tells me it's wonderful, although I can't be completely sure. But I want what's behind that wall! Screw the clear path! So I proceed to smack into the wall... over and over and OVER AGAIN. But it's a brick wall. Deep down, I know I can't break it down without help. But I keep trying because I REALLY want what's behind that wall. As the wall becomes smeared in my own blood, I realize that it's not going to come down. I start to give up and walk away, but then a small crack appears and I think I'm making progress. Then the process starts all over again as I keep running myself into the wall.
I have to be some sort of masochist. It's like, "Please. Keep hurting me. I like it." Ugh. For all I know, the clear path might just lead me to the other side of the wall, even if it's the long way around. But no. I insist on breaking down this wall. It's just that I've put so much work into this and I'm not one to give up. But I think it's time that I do let go of it. I'm going to kill myself if I keep smacking into this wall.
I have to believe that everything will work out for the best. I have to believe that things will happen if they are meant to happen. Somewhere along the path of life, roads will cross again if they are meant to. I have to be content knowing that I gave everything I had and leave no regrets behind.

Tuesday, July 08, 2003

I've had this obsession with getting my heart back so that I wouldn't feel so empty. Kazu's advice for me is to grow a brand new heart because the old one, as shattered as it is, is really no use to me anymore. I'm beginning to think that's the best plan of action. It's best to just let the old one die where it is and make a fresh start with everything.
I look around this path I've been walking on and it seems familiar; I've been this way before. At the same time, the path seems different. I try to think back about the last time I've had my heart broken and how I stayed strong, but it's been so long that I had forgotten the kind of hurt that goes along with it. But I know I've been through it before and I know I can do it again and emerge stronger than I was before.

Monday, July 07, 2003

I'm trying to keep myself busy so that I won't have time to think or to feel. I think I'm feeling... okay. I've been better, but I've been worse, too.
Even after everything, I don't regret a moment. At least I'll always know that I gave everything I had. I would've always wondered "what if..." if I didn't do everything I could to make it work. I guess it's time for me to leave the brick wall and head along down the clear path. I really believed I was strong enough to make everything work. But I can't do it by myself.

Friday, July 04, 2003

It means so much to me that you guys care so much about me. I wouldn't be able to get through this without you.
To my lobster, my best friend, I don't regret a minute of our time together because I've had the happiest moments with you.
My sister bought last minute tickets for tomorrow morning to fly up to Berkeley just to see me. I'm so grateful for the people who love me and will do anything to see me feeling better.

Wednesday, July 02, 2003

Do you ever feel like crying but not know why? I indulged that feeling today. Sometimes a good cry will make you feel a million times better. Deep down, I know what caused the tears.
If I had one wish right now, it would be to see you smile.
When you see someone you really care about unhappy, it makes you feel down, too. You try your best to make him feel better, yet it only seems to further agitate him. I think it's bad when one person's happiness totally depends on another. What happened to taking care of yourself? You can only take "your pain is my pain" so far.