my take on it

I wrote this over Thanksgiving break while I was sitting at home in Torrance. I guess I just didn't get the chance to post it:
For the first time in a long time, I looked through the box of all the stuff that Tony gave me (the one I stuffed into my closet because I couldn't stand looking at it anymore). I had forgotten that I had written so many letters to him, letters I didn't even give him. Looking at them now, I'm so glad I didn't give them to him. I think they were supposed to be therapeutic in writing and weren't meant to be read by anyone but me. As I read through them now, it's like a whole different person had written them. I had almost completely forgotten what it felt like to feel that naive first love. I had almost completely forgotten about how I felt about Tony. It's kind of sad, actually. I never wanted to forget that feeling. I guess it just faded away into the past. But reading them again now, I remember how hard it was for me to let go, how much it hurt to give up on my first love. I remember those nights when I stayed up crying because I was afraid I'd never feel the same way about anybody else. I remember being greatly saddened because I wanted to be a part of his life in some way, even if I wasn't his girlfriend... yet I was still pushed away. And as young as I was, I really do believe that it was love. That's simply because I have always wished him all the happiness in the world, something that he couldn't find with me. As much as he ever hurt me, I still think about him; not that I want him back or anything, I just like to think back on those days and smile. We were so young and naive, yet those feelings could still be evoked, proving once and for all that love doesn't have to do with age.
As much as the whole thing ever hurt me, I'm really glad it happened. I wouldn't be who I am today if things didn't turn out the way it did. I became a whole lot stronger after the incident. I don't really blame anybody for it anymore. It's something that everybody has to experience. To lose love is to appreciate it even more when it's there. I think, in a lot of ways, it really helped me learn more about life, love, as well as people. Most of all, I learned how strong I was. I know it's something that everybody goes through: the loss of love. And as much as it hurts in time, it eventually fades away. I'm glad I didn't let it affect my ability to be happy.
Then there was Eric. Even thinking about it now is difficult. A couple of weeks ago, Brian asked me about him and at first, I didn't want to talk about it. Eric and those events were shut away long ago and I didn't reveal much of it to anybody. I just chose to forget about it rather than deal with it. But in a lot of ways, that wasn't good for me because it's just been festering inside of me for so long. I just refuse to think about those times and how young, immature, and gullible I was. After thinking about it for awhile, I told him about it. Brian's the first person I've really opened up to about it. It gave me a feeling of relief, like I had finally lifted this weight off of my shoulders.