Forgive me for raising controversy yet again, but I think it's fair to break it off with somebody because of lack of sex or bad sex. It is one of the very few things in life that a person should always be considered above par and enjoy.
I was recently called upon for my brilliant and fabulous love/relationship advice. (It still bemuses me from time to time that I so often get called upon for this as I have yet to demonstrate a successful, sane relationship myself). A friend of mine has been dating a girl for a little over six months. He wanted to know if it would be an "asshole move" if he broke up with her because of sex. To make it clear, they have sex less than once a month.
No, readers, that is not a typo. Needless to say, my response was, "Get out. Get out NOW."
Let's be honest here. Everybody knows that sex becomes increasingly infrequent as time passes in a relationship. However, at six months, a couple should still be going at it like rabbits. If not, you must begin to wonder how it will be further down the line. Will it become once every other month, once every six month, or worse yet, only on your birthday? (Oh, "Birthday Sex" - so good that you even have your own song).
For you "unbelievers" who staunchly defend that a relationship is more than "just sex," please set those torches down. I am not implying that sex is the be all and end all for a good relationship; I am merely stating that it is integral. While I believe compatibility, humor, stability, etc. are all important, I argue that sex is equally as important. Here's the romantic in me coming out - Believe it or not, you can have it all. Why shouldn't it be great? If you are about to commit to someone for what is hopefully the rest of your lives, why can't you expect to have a great time in and out of the bed? Even on those days you can't stand each other or have a huge disagreement, shouldn't you be able to look forward to fantastic sex afterward? And should the relationship not work out in the end (heaven forbid), wouldn't you like to be able to say to yourself, "Hey, s/he might have been a bitch/asshole, but at least the sex was great!"
Still not convinced? Okay, naysayers. Here's what I have to say to you:
I think that sex is a physical manifestation of attraction, which probably is one of the only things that really differentiates a romantic relationship and a friendship (at least in the beginning). If your friend isn't getting any it might be a sign that the girl isn't really attracted to him, or that she has some other hangup. Ether way it probably is best to end it.
ReplyDeleteGood call.
That said, I'm not sure that claiming you can "have it all" is very romantic at all. A true commitment is unconditional. You accept their current and future shortcomings and they accept yours. Sure all else being equal it would be better to have great sex. But if you make a relationship based on that condition my guess is it will not last.
Thanks for the comment, Anonymous! I appreciate any and all perspectives!
ReplyDeleteI think in all relationships there are some things that come easily and some things that are slightly more difficult. I do agree that a true commitment is unconditional. At the same time, there will always be things to "work on" because, alas, no one is perfect. Sex is one of those things. If a partner is unwilling to work on this aspect of the relationship because they don't think it is as "important" as everything else, then that is a deal breaker to me. I really do believe that it is an integral piece.
My take on it is that great sex can be achieved with work. It's not the same as a "spark" that is either there or it isn't there. If my partner isn't even willing to work at it, that tells me that he cares little for something that is important to me.
In general, I think it is to the benefit of oneself and to his/her partner to not only recognize one's own shortcomings, but to continuously work on becoming better.
Ah, so you're alive?!! Wasn't sure you made it back from the far east. Oh actually maybe I did see a tweet before the MD game.
ReplyDeleteSo I think in analyzing the situation you are personalizing it too much. I'm sure there are couples who are perfectly content with infrequent sex because they are both not very sexual. OK, so it's a problem with your friend, but the first issue is obviously a lack of communication. Maybe she is genuinely not very sexual, in which case the problem can't be resolved and he should end the relationship. But it may very well be that one or both of them are just bad at sex, in which case they can work on it. Maybe she doesn't know how to have an orgasm, so she doesn't look forward to sex because she gets frustrated (and she may be faking it because she doesn't want it to be an issue, in which case he doesn't realize that it is a problem). Maybe he is just really bad at it and she doesn't have the heart to tell him that he sucks at sex. From the information you provide, I would say we don't really know what the situation is from a sexual standpoint, but we do know that they aren't communicating well about this delicate subject.
It's so late, I hate that I have to set the alarm now to make sure I wake up in time for the 9:00 am game!