I allowed Tony to define high school for me. I WILL NOT ALLOW HEART BREAK TO DEFINE COLLEGE FOR ME. I refuse! I've had the best times of my life in these past two years at Berkeley. I'm not going to look back and allow SOME GUY ruin it for me. This time, it's not all about the relationship (or the end of it)... it's really about the experience.

Finally, CS61B -- Summer 2003 is OVER. I hope all of my students had a good time. I know I did. I still don't think I was a very good TA, but at least I always there for them. I think I was more of a friend than a TA, which is kind of cool, too. But yeah. I hope I made some kind of a difference in their lives. I had fun. I'm kind of sad that it's over, but I guess I'll be seeing more of them in Soda and whatnot. Well, I hope they all do really well in their future endeavors. =]

Twin Flames have no karma to work out between them, there never has been, never will be and come together for no other reason than unconditional love. Twin Flames love each other with no expectation of the other and with no conditions attached to the giving of that love. It is easy to say that you love someone unconditionally but you need to ask yourself could you love this person if for some reason they could not remain with you? Could you give your love to this person with no expectations, not even that the love will be returned or even recognized? Can you love this person for no other reason than there is simply no other option available to you? If you can answer a resounding (and honest) yes to all of the above then you are experiencing unconditional love. But be careful here my friend for Spirit is listening and may put that love to the test, Spirit may require that you prove yourself worthy of this love and place you in a situation wherein you must truly discover if this is an unconditional love by separating you, sometimes only temporarily sometimes permanently, depending on what lessons you have to learn in this lifetime.
Which brings us to another point, Twin Flames are earned not a given, you must prepare yourself to be able to join with your twin flame, it is not an automatic, it is a gift. And as a gift, it is truly a privilege to know your Twin Flame but you must be ready. How do you become ready you ask? Well you will have to learn to love deeper than you ever thought possible and that usually means meeting, loving and losing "near twins" which are in reality Companion Soul Mates. Are you brave and strong enough to be able to risk loving with your heart and soul just to have the dream shattered? If not then seeking your Twin Flame is not for you for you must deepen your capacity to love before you can know unconditional love and that means experiencing pain as well as joy. The more pain you have experienced the more joy you are capable of holding within. Sometimes the cup of love must be completely shattered before it can be built strong enough to hold the love of your Twin Flame. Steel is tempered through flame and your heart must be tempered through pain before it is strong enough to protect the love of your Twin.
When Twin Flames come together they become one, they are not like each other, they are the mirror image of the other. They think alike, they hold the same values and often their life experiences are very similar, sometimes they will actually look like each other. By that they will have similar builds, bone structures and features. This is not however a guide as to whether you have met your Twin Flame or not.
Twin Flames do not teach each other, they learn together and help each other learn the lessons that have been set before them in this lifetime. When Twin Flames come together they join forces and are capable of overcoming obstacles the average mortal could not begin to face. They are so filled with unconditional love they literally glow with it and have much to share with others. They are the inspiration that poets write about and singers sing about.
Another warning I would give at this point is that it is important that we avoid the trap of measuring each relationship against what we believe a Twin Flame to be. For by doing this we lose the opportunity of experiencing all the love that is placed in front of us. Keep in mind that no matter what, if we are to be with our Twin Flame then it will happen and by experiencing the loves placed before us by Spirit we are preparing for the day that we meet this special, special person. We also need to keep in mind that we are not destined to meet our Twin Flame in each and every lifetime. The chances of meeting this one perfect mirror is very slim, it does happen and it seems to be happening more now than ever before, but there are no guarantees.
Personally I feel it is more important to be aware of the different types of Soul Mates than it is to seek this one perfect relationship, or to label each relationship we have. Simply knowing this information is more often enough for it helps us understand why we feel such strong connections to people. This is the reason that I have stopped leading the Discussion Groups in SpiritWeb Chat on Sundays on this topic, I felt that there were people that were putting on the blinders to other relationships and searching only for the Twin Flame, please don't do that. This is not the intention behind this sharing of information.

Soul Mates and Twin Flames are not the same thing. Soul Mates are other souls that have agreed to connect with you on this planet for a purpose. In some cases it is to clear up karma, in other cases it is to finish unfinished business, and for some it is to accomplish a particular goal together. These relationships may be a joy to be in or these relationships may be a pain in your life. Either way they are here for a reason.
When Soul Mates first meet they sometimes feel as if they already know each other. They may feel very familiar to each other. Soul Mates can have a beautiful relationship together, but it will take work. Soul Mate relationships may last a lifetime and others may only be for a particular purpose and be temporary. You can have more than one Soul Mate in a lifetime.
Twin Flames are very different and very rare. Twin Flames are two people in two separate bodies that share the same Soul. Twin Flames meet each other in their first incarnation so that they remember the soul frequency of the other being. They are then usually reunited on their last time to this planet. If Twin Flames meet before they are ready they can be the total opposite and not at all compatible. When Twin Flames meet and are ready for each other, it is the most enjoyable experience possible on Earth.
At this point, Twin Flames are almost identical. They truly compliment each other and it is a hardship for them to be apart. As an outside observer it is sometimes hard to distinguish the two people. They also have a very strong bond and often have telepathy with each other. Their lives even before meeting each other have many parallels. Again, meeting your Twin Flame is very rare on this planet.

Friday: I had the most amazing date ever. First we went to a vegetarian restaurant, Millenium, since I was on a vegetarian streak again. Then, we went to see the musical Chicago at the Golden Gate Theatre. The music, the setting, and everything else was so amazing. I really enjoyed it. Then we headed on back to Berkeley and had some gelato at Mondo Gelato. And after that, he took me up toward what is now known as "The Rice Crew's Spot" to see the view (it's somewhere up the hills). It was so beautiful. Everything was so perfect. I've never had a guy plan out a date like that for me. It was so wonderful and I didn't want the night to end. Thank you, Brian, for the perfect date and the perfect company. =]
Saturday: It seems our summer is coming to an end. =[ Ed's leaving. So for his last night with us, we went to Houston's for dinner. Brian and I decided to drop the vegetarian thing so we could properly say goodbye to Ed. The food was SO good. Awwww. We're gonna miss Ed a lot. He certainly made this summer fun and interesting. We'll miss you!
Thank you to everyone who made this summer a memorable one. There have been a lot of ups and downs, but my friends have stuck by me until the end. I love you guys. Thanks for turning this summer around and making it the best one yet. I know we've got many more memories to share and I'm glad it's with you guys. =]

What exactly keeps a person from being with somebody who is emotionally, spiritually, and physically compatible with you? I'm feeling a lot of things at once and it's very confusing. But damn! I didn't know there was SUCH physical compatability.

Day 8: Since I've become vegetarian, I've lost a lot of energy. I totally can't lift anymore. It's kind of sad. Well, I tried. I could do one set, but that was about it. Yeah. And then back on down to box. Fun! I'm actually kind of glad all those negative emotions made me turn toward working out. I've lost weight and have become more fit. I like my body like this! So pretty. =] Hahaha.

Had quite the eventful day yesterday. Went through every human emotion possible. Since Brian had won so much money the previous night at Cache Creek, he decided to treat the Rice Crew out to lunch at California Pizza Kitchen. Afterwards, we headed over to Best Buy and Toys R Us to buy video games =]. That was pretty exciting. Brian bought me Bomberman for my GameCube.
While we were in the parking lot of Best Buy, some stupid woman in a Chrysler decides it would be fun to back out of a parking space without looking back and hit Brian's car. We were not amused. So she gets out of the car, looks at her car and says, "Thank God!" Her car seemed perfectly fine. Then she looks over at Brian's car and says, "It's okay. Everything's fine. Nothing happened." So Ed (who is in the passenger seat) looks out the window and looks at the front right side of the car (the part she hit) and it was obviously NOT okay. So the woman goes off about how there's already dents in Brian's car and that she didn't do anything to it. We're kind of pissed off because OBVIOUSLY, she hit the car and there was damage. So the guy in the passenger of her car gets out and goes off about it, too. By this time, I'm already pissed off, even though it's not my car. So we all get out of the car to look at the damage. The guy is going off about how you just have to "push it back in" and that it'll cost $75. Well, when I looked at it, I knew that there was no way in HELL that it would cost less than $500 to fix. So I say something to the extent of, "That's going to cost way more than $75 to fix." So the guy looks at me and says, "Well, little girl, how many cars do you own? I've owned a lot of cars and I know how much things cost." I was SO PISSED. I would've btiched him out if it was my car they had hit, but since it wasn't, I didn't feel that it was my place to start shit. Anyhow, they didn't want to go through the hassle of insurance, so the woman gave Brian her license number and phone number. After they went in to Best Buy, we called the number and realized it was a fake. So Brian goes peeling back into Best Buy to hunt them down while Ed and I take pictures of her license and other crap to identify the car. She claimed that she had just moved and must've given her old number. Whatever.
Since we were all pretty frustrated by the whole thing, we decided to go to Malibu Grand Prix for a night of fun. I drove this time around. Ed and Brian wanted to drive the go-karts, so Holly and I decided to be their passengers. I think Brian tried to kill me. Haha. Kidding, kidding. I completely trust Brian with my life and I don't think he would ever SERIOUSLY injure me. So anyway, it was pretty fun, except I kept getting tossed around the kart and the seat belt was digging into me and hurting me. Otherwise, fun stuff. Then we headed over to the arcade area. Brian and I were competing against each other in that Hot Shot Basketball shooting game thing. I totally kicked his ass. It was great. Haha. =] I had fun with it. Then Brian and Ed went to the batting cages while Holly and I cheered them on. Heh heh. "Go, Rice Reject! Go, Rice Bucket!"
On the ride back to Berkeley, we saw a Porsche Carrera and Brian and Ed were like, "Follow it, Tammy! Don't let it smoke your Camry!" Haha. So I spent about a minute trying to stick with it, but then I hit a trafficky area and it was pulling crazy cuts that I would never be able to make in my Camry. So we lost it. =[ But it was still pretty fun.
After getting back, Brian hung out with me at my apartment playing Bomberman. I beat him at that, too. Haha. I was TOTALLY on a roll. But then I got tired so we stopped playing and we just talked. I guess we pretty much always go back to talking about the same thing. I think I've become a bit more resigned, like Brian. *shrug* Who knows? Anyhow, we went to bed around 3am. We didn't realize it was that late and Brian didn't feel like driving home, so he stayed over. It was pretty... interesting... and a bit... confusing. I mean, he's stayed over plenty of times before and it was the same. But uhma... yeah. Ask either one of us about it. I'll be embarrassed and Brian will giggle. I woke up feeling all disoriented and confused.
I think there's a lot of validity in Brian's claims. But somehow, I could never see it that way. Last night made things a little bit different. More on this later.

Heh heh heh. =] I hung out with The Rice Crew (minus Charlie) tonight and we went to Cache Creek (Indian casino). Heh heh heh. Brian and I were at the black jack tables while Holly and Ed played the slots. Heh heh heh. I'm all giddy. I left with $60 more than I went in with! And Brian! He was $100 up! Heh heh heh. We had fun. *giggle giggle* I was on a GREAT streak at black jack. I played for like 15 minutes and was up $60. I had decided before we went in that I would stop at plus/minus $50. I didn't realize I had hit the $50 and bet another $10, hence the extra. I really wanted to keep playing because I was on a winning streak, but decided that I should quit at my limit (I have strong will power!). Then I went with Ed and Holly to play the slots. I won them some money, but then they lost it all. =[ Then Brian came to find us and he was up $100! He was all happy and peppy. It was good. We all had fun. =] Afterwards, Brian and I took a picture of all our money. Heh heh heh. We're dorks.

I had quite a busy day yesterday. I finally slept until a semi-decent time (9:30am). I find that I've been unconsciously waking up at 8am every day. I hate it when there's so much crap going on in my mind that can't even sleep. I haven't taken the sleeping pills again, so you guys don't have to worry about me. Yoga is actually a better solution than sleeping pills. Anyhow. So I got up and went online for awhile (talking to Christine and Chris). Then, all of the sudden, it was noon and I hadn't showered. That was bad since I was supposed to meet Carolen for lunch at 12:30pm. So I quickly showered, got dressed, and hauled ass to campus. We had lunch at Stuffed Inn, as always. But now that I'm vegetarian, I've lost all appetite, so I didn't eat very much. Then I hung out with Carolen in Soda while she held office hours. Afterwards, I headed down to lab. Then, after lab, Robert came and picked me up from Soda so we could go to dinner at Macaroni Grill (mmm...). That was a lot of fun! Since it was still early, we decided to catch Tomb Raider 2. Wow. Angelina Jolie is HOT. I still think she's got huge lips, but DAMN! Anyhow, I had fun. It was a good day.
So there's this one scene in Tomb Raider where Angelina Jolie PUNCHES a shark in the face. I was highly amused/impressed. Now THAT'S how I want to fight. =] That would be FABULOUS!

How have you been lately?
Fabulous. The weather is fabulous. My friends are fabulous. My family is fabulous. Absolutely fabulous.

Day 7: Did some bench presses and saw a hot girl. She was hot. I kept wondering what major she was in because it definitely wasn't CS. =] Then I did some curls and a leg workout. It felt good. I haven't been to the gym in awhile and I missed the happy endorphins going through my body. Then we (Charlie, Brian, Ed, and I) headed on down to the boxing room. Heh =]. Since we had wraps, we did some REAL stuff. Or at least I felt more comfortable hitting the bag since it didn't kill my hands. It was still a bit uncomfortable because we forgot to bring the tape and the wrap is kind of thin (Ed and Brian took the cloth ones). Charlie was full on going at it and started to bleed, so I had to protect him from the bag. That was fun. Then we headed over to Charlie and Brian's apartment so Charlie could wash up. We took a cool picture of me kicking Charlie's ass! Haha. =]
So I'm vegetarian again. For how long this time? Until my heart is done re-growing. I'm trying to cleanse my body of the past so that I can truly start anew. Even though a part of me would still like to hold on, I know it's really not going to do me any good. So I've had a slight detour from my path in life. So I fell into a huge ditch. I'm not going to sit at the bottom of the hole and rot there. I have to climb out... and every good climber knows to NOT LOOK DOWN. So I just have to climb on out without looking back. I'm working on it.

So I've been totally emotional because I just got on my rag. This is what ALWAYS happens when I get on my period; I get super emotional and anything and everything upsets me. I suppose that's what caused my outburst on that fateful day. That kind of sucks because now I'd have to think about what would have happened if I hadn't had my rag and been all crazy emotional. I suppose it would have happened eventually. And I guess I'm a little less idealistic now. But I'm a bit sad that I've lost that romance... but I suppose it's good that I don't expect everything to turn out peachy. So I used to think that as long as two people loved each other, it was all that mattered and that things would work out if they tried. Maybe not. I've learned that you can be completely in love with somebody, yet s/he is the wrong person for you... and you just have to let go because you know it's best for both of you. Sometimes, you just fall in love with the wrong person, but that doesn't mean you love him/her any less. It takes strength to be able to say, "I love you, but you're not the right person for me" and then let that person go. I guess love just isn't enough sometimes.
I brought my sister's yoga DVDs up with me. There's a section that's supposed to relieve stress. It's actually been really helpful. You do all these stretches and breathing exercises. It's very relaxing. Afterwards, I just feel like lying there and never getting up because my body and mind are so relaxed. It really is SUCH a stress reliever. I recommend yoga to EVERYBODY. And no, I'm not just doing it because it's the trendy thing to do. I really do think it's helpful.
Ooh. Brian and I went to Big 5 today and bought some wraps for our hands; now we're hardcore fighters. =] I also bought a basketball to keep in my trunk so I can be a true "balla." Haha. I'd be like, "Yeah! I have a ball in my trunk! Let's ball!" Then we headed over to Target so I could buy a yoga mat to do my yoga exercises on. Exciting, huh? So yeah. I'm gonna be all toned. It's gonna be great. I'll be in better shape than I was in while running track. That would be SO awesome. AND I'll be able to fight and take someone out. THAT'S GREAT.
Oh. And did you know? "I'm not a playa, I just f*ck a lot." AND... "I'm a mother-f*cking P-I-M-P" Hahaha. =] Gotta love it.

I didn't like this song at first, but somehow the lyrics brings new meaning to the song. I like it. =]

When I thought I knew you,
Thinking that you were true
I guess I, I couldn't trust
Called your bluff, time is up
'Cause I've had enough
You were, there by my side
Always down for the ride
But your, joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out of shame

After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter

Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Never saw it coming
All of your backstabbing
Just so you could cash in
On a good thing before I realized your game
I heard you're going round
Playing the victim now
But don't even begin
Feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave

After all of the fights and the lies
Yes you wanted to harm me but that won't work anymore
No more, oh no, it's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now
And never back down
So I wanna say thank you

How could this man I thought I knew
Turn out to be unjust, so cruel
Could only see the good in you
Pretended not to see the truth
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself
Through living in denial
But in the end you'll see
You won't stop me

I am a fighter and I
I ain't goin' stop
There is no turning back
I've had enough

Thought I would forget
But I remember
I remember
I'll remember, I'll remember

- Christina Aguilera, Fighter

Everybody keeps telling me that there are "more fish in the sea." I think most people don't understand my situation. It's not that I don't believe that I'll find love again; I know I WILL. I never had any doubts about my future happiness. I know that I'm going to get through this an be stronger than I was before. But people just need to understand that I'm in mourning right now. There's always going to be a mourning period, even if you know things will be better in the end. After all, I did lose something and somebody very special and dear to me. I think I have the right to feel the loss for awhile. That's not to say I'm not trying to get better. And if truth be told, I am a lot better than I was a couple of weeks ago. Each day is a new day and my heart grows stronger by the minute. No. I don't doubt that the future holds happiness for me.
I've been thinking a lot about soul mates and what it really means to be a soul mate. I always imagined to people to be half circles simply searching for their other halves. But then there's the idea that perhaps your soul mate is not necessarily "The One." After all, no one understands you better emotionally than your soul mate. But what if you just feel no attraction or chemistry in the way you would feel towards a significant other? Yet... you know there's this special bond between the two of you that binds you together forever. I'm beginning to think that there are two different types of soul intermingling (for lack of better terms). So there's one person that totally understands you and feels your emotions along with you. That is the person your soul intertwines with. Visually, I see two souls just twining together, kind of like DNA. But then there is "The One" who completes you and together, you make a complete circle. I'm not sure if this is just a load of bull shit my mind has conjured up to explain away things. Like, how am I to explain that I feel that I have found my soul mate, yet I was/am not with him and that I was completely devoted and in love with somebody else? I'm not sure. But I always visualized it this way...
I think we've sort of become the joke of the heavens. Here we are, given the greatest gift of finding our soul mate and even realizing it... yet, we are too stupid to do anything about it. We both acknowledge it to be the truth, yet we sit around pining for other people and hurting ourselves when we're right under each others' noses. If we were ever to tell other people that we think we're soul mates, they'd think we were nuts. I mean, we both know it to be true and agree on it, but we aren't together. I don't know. Maybe it's wrong timing. Or maybe we're just total retards. Anyway... I can hear the heavens laughing on us. We've become such a huge joke to them. "Let's put these two soul mates together, make them realize that they're soul mates, and see how long it takes for them to take the hint and actually get together!"
I never thought I'd be in this kind of situation. I was afraid that I wouoldn't recognize my soul mate when I met him, but I was never afraid that I would be too stupid to actually be with him once I found him. I'm thinking that his views are starting to rub off on me. I mean, I really never saw us as anything more than friends, but now I'm thinking maybe one day we'll both realize that we're idiots. I think we just need that extra nudge. Maybe when we lose each other (i.e. one of us moves away), we'll realize how much we need each other. Well, I already know that I need him, but not in that way. It's still kind of hard for me to see us together, but the more time our souls keep intermingling, the image kind of flashes. Maybe one day it will be a clear, defined picture.
As for now, I'm taking it one day at a time. I've been through a huge ordeal in losing somebody I reallly loved and truly believed to be "The One" person I was supposed to be with. Now that he's completely fallen off his pedestal, I must regain my own self worth and ability to love. A heart takes time to grow back. (Yep. I decided to throw the old one away since it's no use to me anymore). But I have no doubt that I'll be better than I was before.

First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ED!!
I'm still not sure if I was ready for that book. A lot of the anger is gone and now there's this ache. It's not outright pain, but it's not much better. I suppose it's getting a little better because I don't want to cry (not really) that it's over, but smile because it happened. For some reason, the memory of katsu oysters flittered into my mind and it made me want to laugh. I think that was one of my fondest memories; it was really those little things when we just spent time being together just for the sake of being together that stand out most in my mind and in my heart. There are some memories that make me smile and be glad that it happened, but then there are other memories that produce the ache I'm feeling... like I've lost something great. January 10, 2002. The day we watched the sun set over Hermosa Beach. It was one of those moments that a person wishes could last an eternity. Don't get me wrong; I'm glad that it happened, but it also leaves an imprint on my heart that doesn't feel too good right now.
I am grateful for everything we did share. Most of all, I'm grateful for feeling the unconditional love that I've only read about in books or seen in movies. I now know that I have the capacity to love somebody to the depths of my soul... and I'm glad. No one can take that away from me.

Day 6: Balled with Brian and Charlie in the afternoon. I tried to shoot 3-pointers, but I simply don't have that kind of strength to shoot that far. Later that night, we went back for weight lifting. Wow. I actually have muscles! I didn't realize they existed in my body!
I hate my subconscious. It's apparently trying to tell me something every time I dream. Blah blah blah. "You need closure." Blah blah blah. Dammit. Just when I thought I could stay angry and not have to feel any of the hurt. I hate it when my heart finally speaks up. Sigh. Guess I will be reading Mars and Venus Starting Over.

Day 5: After becoming un-sore from two days of resting, we headed back to the gym. Brian is NOT a good spotter; he let the bar fall on me while we were benching! Then I did some curls and headed on down to the punching bags. I thought my hands would be okay if I wrapped them in a towel, but no. That wasn't a smart idea. So after one good swing, I started bleeding. That was not fun at all. Eh. At least I had that one good swing.
So my sister brought up a book for me: Mars and Venus Starting Over. It's by the same person who wrote Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. I don't think I'm ready to read this book yet. It keeps talking about "letting go with love" and "allowing yourself to hurt." I'm thinking that this anger I have right now is better than allowing myself to hurt. So... this book is going under the bed for awhile.

Day 4: Went ballin' with Brian, Ed, and Holly. Holly and I got our asses beat, but what did you really expect from two little asian girls against a black guy? We had fun anyway. Since I was so sore, I couldn't play very well, but that's okay.
We (Brian, Holly, Ed, Charlie, Nicole, and I) headed over to the lake by Tilden Park to go swimming. I was trying to tan, so I didn't get in the water. The sun didn't stay out too long since we got there so late. Eh. Then Brian almost drowns. That wasn't too amusing. Afterwards, we hung out and Brian and Charlie's apartment. We ordered pizza and watched Shanghai Knights. It was quite amusing, indeed. Then I picked up my sister from the airport and went to sleep. Exciting, yes?

Day 3: Learned how to "correctly" shoot a basketball. I'm gonna be a "balla!" =] Then headed back down to bench some weights. Finished off with some form and movement work for boxing.
I'm so sore. My whole body is sore. That's not fun at all. Anyhow. We tried to go to Hooters last night (in San Francisco), but it was super crowded, so that didn't turn out too well. I did, however, buy a pair of pink gym shorts and I had them iron on "Sweet Rice" on the ass. =] That's my new fight club name. Holly got one that says "Riceball." Hah. Brian is "Wild Rice," Charlie is "Long Grain," and Ed is "Rice Bucket." We're dorks... in a good way!