Back in Torrance for the brief Thanksgiving break. I wasn't supposed to come home this year, but then plans change. Brian and I were supposed to stay up in Berkeley and have a nice, quiet dinner to ourselves, but obviously, that didn't turn out as planned. Turns out, my sister is on vacation in New Zealand (along with Rick). My mom is in Shanghai (doing who knows?). My dad is in Europe on business. So of course, they need me to come home and take care of the house and dog. Shmeh. That's the way the ball rolls.
Anyhow, Brian is coming down later to spend Thanksgiving with his family. Since I'm all alone here, he invited me over. It's a little scary because it's kind of a holiday to spend time with family and whatnot, so I feel a little out of place. Well, you all know how uncomfortable it is for me to be around family during "family time." Actually, being around family in general makes me a bit queasy. I just don't know how to deal with parents; I just want them to like me and approve of me dating their son, you know? In any case, I'm going to pick up Brian from Ontario airport and then we're driving to his mom's place together. Kind of far from Torrance, but what can I say? I love the boy and just want to see him.

For everything it's worth, I never meant for things to be hard for you; it was something between me and him. And a warning for you, too. You're in for a hell of a ride.

"She thinks she's fine -- fine enough to blow ya mind! She thinks she's bad -- get on the floor and shake that ass!" -Britney Spears, (I Got That) Boom Boom
Damn. Britney's hot. =] "I got that boom boom that you want. Whatcha need all night long -- hurry up before it's gone! I don't think you should wait or it might be too late!" All she has to do is use that sexy, raspy voice of her and she exudes sex appeal. Yeah, yeah. I know she can't sing, but DAMN! SHE'S HOT!
So I'm going to "review" Britney's latest album In The Zone. This is definitely the most daring of all of her albums. It's completely different from her previous albums. All the songs have a dance and R&B style to it. It takes some getting used to because it's so different from her usual pop songs. But after listening to it a couple of times over, the songs are definitely starting to grow on me. The lyrics are raunchier -- "Another day without a lover, the more I come to understand the touch of my hand." *shrug* I guess we'll see how that goes. =]

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall..." -Confucius
I think this is something everybody needs to realize.

So I've been thinking about how much I've grown since coming to Berkeley. It's interesting how events really change a person's thoughts, ways, and beliefs. Coming out of high school, my friends were the most important people in the world to me. After all, "boys come and go, but friends are forever." After everything I went through in high school, I knew who my friends were and I knew they would always be there to answer my call. I remember telling my ex about how I would sacrifice anything for them, even if they asked me to give up on a guy I happened to be dating. Isn't that ironic?
Friendship is more than just an acquaintance; it means so much more. S/he is someone who wants the best for you and stands behind you in every decision you make, even if s/he disagrees with it. S/he is someone who is always right there behind you, ready to catch you if you fall. And you know it's a true friend when you don't have to "look behind you" to make sure that s/he is still there supporting you. I feel lucky to have friends who are all of those things; some people aren't that lucky.
Beyond that, I've learned so much more about myself and what I want and need in life. After being in a relationship for five years, with some guy or another, I went without for a month and then jumped right back in. It's not so much because I don't know how to be alone, but mostly because I've learned not to question myself -- to seize the day. But in that month that I was by myself, I realized that I could be fine on my own. All this time, I was scared to be alone because I didn't know what to do if I didn't have anyone to tell me how great I am, how much they love me. It wasn't until I was truly alone did I realize that I didn't need people to tell me that as long as I believed it. At first, it was difficult because I had been pummelled down to believe that I was worthless, that I didn't deserve his love, or anybody's for that matter. As hard as I tried, it just wasn't enough... because I wasn't enough. As time passed by, I saw things more clearly as the emotions that clouded my vision slowly lifted. It really wasn't about what anybody else thought about me; I should know better.
Now I realize how much I've missed out on because I was constantly making myself be someone I thought other people wanted. What I didn't realize was that all I wanted was to live life for everything it's worth and to do it for me.

Is this not the sweetest thing ever? =]
"I don't see why people spend so much time looking into the heavens searching for sparkling stars, when the brightest ones are found here on Earth. It is amazing that the one I found was allowed to fall into my arms, as I am continually blinded by the luminescent beauty that radiates from every look, gesture, and smile."
[quoted from Brian's profile]

I had the best birthday this year.
Friday: Had my BIG celebration dinner at Hua-Hin. Yes, yes; it's a Thai restaurant and I don't like Thai food. It just happens to be the only semi-decent restaurant in Berkeley that eveyone could get to (not enough cars to go elsewhere). Anyhow, lots of people showed up (I didn't realize I knew that many people). So I had my suitemates on one side of the table and my CS friends on the other side. But yeah. It was fun. After dinner, we went over to Li's place (thanks for letting me borrow it!) and proceeded to get drunk. Heh. That was fun. I'm quite amusing when I drink. We had an orgy-like thing. After awhile, I kind of just passed out on top of Brian (after making out with him for a good amount of time first, or course). In any case, it seemed like everybody had fun, so that's all good.
Saturday: Ed drove up to celebrate our birthdays (Brian and me). So Holly, Ed, Brian, and I went to House of Prime Rib in San Francisco. Mmm... prime rib... It was really good. Then we had to HAUL ASS to The Geary Theater where we saw Les Liaisons Dangereuses. We were running really late after dinner and we were speed walking for a mile from the restaurant to the theater. We actually made pretty good time. After the play, we headed back to Berkeley where we went to Mondo Gelato for ice cream. Then to our spot...
Sunday: At the lookout spot, I had the most amazing, wonderful moment of my life. Brian gave me a beautiful ring from Tiffany's. From that moment, I pledged myself to him and him to me.... That night, he made me dinner and we had champagne to celebrate our many special moments to come. With him, forever really does mean forever.

As a full-fledged American citizen, I have yet to register to vote. I get the impression that people look down on me for that. "It's a privilege to be living in a democratic society in which you have a say in what goes on." Yes, yes. I get the point. Americans are spoiled because we have a so-called democratic bureaucracy. Well, if votes are so important, how is it that we give the "privilege" of voiting to idiotic, ignorant people? Here is a snippet of a conversation I had with one of these types:
Person: "I hate Republicans. All they care about is taking care of the rich. I'm voting for everything/everyone that is Democrat."
Me: "Uh... do you even know their platforms? Do you even know what half these propositions are about?"
Person: "No. But I'm going to vote anyway because my vote counts and I don't want Republicans to win."
Me: "Uh... all right. You do that."
Person: "Come on. Let's go."
Me: "I'm not registered."
Person: "Why not? There are SO many people who don't get that privilege and you're letting it go to waste? Don't you want a say it what happens?"
Me: "Well, sure. It's a privilege. But I'm not about to make a stupid vote. I'm ill prepared to vote: I don't know the propositions nor the candidates' stands on issues. I'm not about to make a random vote like that. If I had the time, I'd research it all and then I can make an educated decision."
Person: "Whatever. I hate Republicans."
Right. If you're going to argue with me, at least have some kind of argument ready. In any case, after watching the gubernatorial debate last night, I realized how screwed California is. You've got candidates saying that "people leaving California for better jobs in Arizona and Nevada" is just an illusion. Wishful thinking or incomplete knowledge? Then you've got candidates wanting to attack the Bush Administration. News flash. They are in New Hampshire; we are in California. There's gotta be a good 30 states between here and there. Right... Then you've got outirght personal attacks coming from all the candidates about each other smack in the middle of what is supposed to be an educated debate to sway people to your side. Sorry to say, but those petty fights make asses out of those candidates when they should be discussing real issues.
We're doomed. I guess it's time to pack up and move to Arizona or Nevada. Oh, no. Wait. That was an illusion, wasn't it?

Why Brian loves me =] :
10 Things That I Love About You:
10) I love that weird sense of humor of yours, which leaves me speechless and confused
9) I love your bluntness and honesty
8) I love that piercing nagging tone your voice takes on when you complain (which is always)
7) I love your eyes, even though they are small and beady (heheh)
6) I love that weird swaying motion your hips take when you walk
5) I love that I can talk about sports with you
4) I love how comfortable you make me feel
3) I love the warm beautiful smile I am sometimes blessed with
2) I love how you're always a mess
1) I love that in you I have found someone that I cannot live without, a soul mate

You know what? I turned around, left that brick wall, and found something infinitely better. The road was a little scary at first, but I'm so glad I took it. And now, I can't imagine myself any place else because this is the only place I want to be.

"I finally felt that wonderful feeling of terror. You know, that feeling that you get when you're up there without a net." - Ally McBeal
This really is a wonderful feeling of terror. I mean, each time I was with somebody, I knew that I had a safety net. It's kind of scary without one, but so wonderful at the same time. For once, I trust enough in us to believe that I don't need that safety net; if I fell, I know you'd catch me. How do I know this? Because you're my best friend, my twin flame, and everything else in-between. I know I've been mistaken before, but I had made the mistake of trying to patch up old wounds and restructure my broken heart. But with you, I grew a new one, better than the last, and entrusted it with you because you deserve that and so much more. I know, without a doubt, that you'll always, always be with me as I will always be with you.

I love you because you make me feel special.
I love you because you are my best friend.
I love you because you make my stomach do flippy-turns.
I love you because you make my heart skip a beat whenever you look in my eyes.
I love you because you make me laugh.
I love you because you understand me.
I love you because you have always been there for me.
I love you because you put up with my nagging and whining.
Most of all, I love you because you love me for everything I am, everything I'm not, and everything I can be.
One month has gone and passed and I know there are so many more to come... with you.

Ally: Love isn't always enough.
Larry: Yes it is. You go without it long enough, you'll realize it's everything.

Larry: I've been debating with myself whether I should move back to Detroit or Canada just to be closer to Sam, but... truth is, I don't have a choice. The biggest part of me is here and even if I moved away, the biggest part of me will still be here.
Ally: Me?
Larry: You.

From season four of Ally McBeal. Gosh... this show was so great.

I allowed Tony to define high school for me. I WILL NOT ALLOW HEART BREAK TO DEFINE COLLEGE FOR ME. I refuse! I've had the best times of my life in these past two years at Berkeley. I'm not going to look back and allow SOME GUY ruin it for me. This time, it's not all about the relationship (or the end of it)... it's really about the experience.

Finally, CS61B -- Summer 2003 is OVER. I hope all of my students had a good time. I know I did. I still don't think I was a very good TA, but at least I always there for them. I think I was more of a friend than a TA, which is kind of cool, too. But yeah. I hope I made some kind of a difference in their lives. I had fun. I'm kind of sad that it's over, but I guess I'll be seeing more of them in Soda and whatnot. Well, I hope they all do really well in their future endeavors. =]

Twin Flames have no karma to work out between them, there never has been, never will be and come together for no other reason than unconditional love. Twin Flames love each other with no expectation of the other and with no conditions attached to the giving of that love. It is easy to say that you love someone unconditionally but you need to ask yourself could you love this person if for some reason they could not remain with you? Could you give your love to this person with no expectations, not even that the love will be returned or even recognized? Can you love this person for no other reason than there is simply no other option available to you? If you can answer a resounding (and honest) yes to all of the above then you are experiencing unconditional love. But be careful here my friend for Spirit is listening and may put that love to the test, Spirit may require that you prove yourself worthy of this love and place you in a situation wherein you must truly discover if this is an unconditional love by separating you, sometimes only temporarily sometimes permanently, depending on what lessons you have to learn in this lifetime.
Which brings us to another point, Twin Flames are earned not a given, you must prepare yourself to be able to join with your twin flame, it is not an automatic, it is a gift. And as a gift, it is truly a privilege to know your Twin Flame but you must be ready. How do you become ready you ask? Well you will have to learn to love deeper than you ever thought possible and that usually means meeting, loving and losing "near twins" which are in reality Companion Soul Mates. Are you brave and strong enough to be able to risk loving with your heart and soul just to have the dream shattered? If not then seeking your Twin Flame is not for you for you must deepen your capacity to love before you can know unconditional love and that means experiencing pain as well as joy. The more pain you have experienced the more joy you are capable of holding within. Sometimes the cup of love must be completely shattered before it can be built strong enough to hold the love of your Twin Flame. Steel is tempered through flame and your heart must be tempered through pain before it is strong enough to protect the love of your Twin.
When Twin Flames come together they become one, they are not like each other, they are the mirror image of the other. They think alike, they hold the same values and often their life experiences are very similar, sometimes they will actually look like each other. By that they will have similar builds, bone structures and features. This is not however a guide as to whether you have met your Twin Flame or not.
Twin Flames do not teach each other, they learn together and help each other learn the lessons that have been set before them in this lifetime. When Twin Flames come together they join forces and are capable of overcoming obstacles the average mortal could not begin to face. They are so filled with unconditional love they literally glow with it and have much to share with others. They are the inspiration that poets write about and singers sing about.
Another warning I would give at this point is that it is important that we avoid the trap of measuring each relationship against what we believe a Twin Flame to be. For by doing this we lose the opportunity of experiencing all the love that is placed in front of us. Keep in mind that no matter what, if we are to be with our Twin Flame then it will happen and by experiencing the loves placed before us by Spirit we are preparing for the day that we meet this special, special person. We also need to keep in mind that we are not destined to meet our Twin Flame in each and every lifetime. The chances of meeting this one perfect mirror is very slim, it does happen and it seems to be happening more now than ever before, but there are no guarantees.
Personally I feel it is more important to be aware of the different types of Soul Mates than it is to seek this one perfect relationship, or to label each relationship we have. Simply knowing this information is more often enough for it helps us understand why we feel such strong connections to people. This is the reason that I have stopped leading the Discussion Groups in SpiritWeb Chat on Sundays on this topic, I felt that there were people that were putting on the blinders to other relationships and searching only for the Twin Flame, please don't do that. This is not the intention behind this sharing of information.

Soul Mates and Twin Flames are not the same thing. Soul Mates are other souls that have agreed to connect with you on this planet for a purpose. In some cases it is to clear up karma, in other cases it is to finish unfinished business, and for some it is to accomplish a particular goal together. These relationships may be a joy to be in or these relationships may be a pain in your life. Either way they are here for a reason.
When Soul Mates first meet they sometimes feel as if they already know each other. They may feel very familiar to each other. Soul Mates can have a beautiful relationship together, but it will take work. Soul Mate relationships may last a lifetime and others may only be for a particular purpose and be temporary. You can have more than one Soul Mate in a lifetime.
Twin Flames are very different and very rare. Twin Flames are two people in two separate bodies that share the same Soul. Twin Flames meet each other in their first incarnation so that they remember the soul frequency of the other being. They are then usually reunited on their last time to this planet. If Twin Flames meet before they are ready they can be the total opposite and not at all compatible. When Twin Flames meet and are ready for each other, it is the most enjoyable experience possible on Earth.
At this point, Twin Flames are almost identical. They truly compliment each other and it is a hardship for them to be apart. As an outside observer it is sometimes hard to distinguish the two people. They also have a very strong bond and often have telepathy with each other. Their lives even before meeting each other have many parallels. Again, meeting your Twin Flame is very rare on this planet.

Friday: I had the most amazing date ever. First we went to a vegetarian restaurant, Millenium, since I was on a vegetarian streak again. Then, we went to see the musical Chicago at the Golden Gate Theatre. The music, the setting, and everything else was so amazing. I really enjoyed it. Then we headed on back to Berkeley and had some gelato at Mondo Gelato. And after that, he took me up toward what is now known as "The Rice Crew's Spot" to see the view (it's somewhere up the hills). It was so beautiful. Everything was so perfect. I've never had a guy plan out a date like that for me. It was so wonderful and I didn't want the night to end. Thank you, Brian, for the perfect date and the perfect company. =]
Saturday: It seems our summer is coming to an end. =[ Ed's leaving. So for his last night with us, we went to Houston's for dinner. Brian and I decided to drop the vegetarian thing so we could properly say goodbye to Ed. The food was SO good. Awwww. We're gonna miss Ed a lot. He certainly made this summer fun and interesting. We'll miss you!
Thank you to everyone who made this summer a memorable one. There have been a lot of ups and downs, but my friends have stuck by me until the end. I love you guys. Thanks for turning this summer around and making it the best one yet. I know we've got many more memories to share and I'm glad it's with you guys. =]

What exactly keeps a person from being with somebody who is emotionally, spiritually, and physically compatible with you? I'm feeling a lot of things at once and it's very confusing. But damn! I didn't know there was SUCH physical compatability.

Day 8: Since I've become vegetarian, I've lost a lot of energy. I totally can't lift anymore. It's kind of sad. Well, I tried. I could do one set, but that was about it. Yeah. And then back on down to box. Fun! I'm actually kind of glad all those negative emotions made me turn toward working out. I've lost weight and have become more fit. I like my body like this! So pretty. =] Hahaha.