my take on it

I recently participated in an interesting conversation regarding relationships and love with Comedian/Writer/Director/"Entertainment Superstar" Neal Brennan. For those of you that don't know, he co-wrote Half Baked, co-wrote Chappelle's Show and directed The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard starring Jeremy Piven and Will Ferrell that will be released August 14th. Yes, that's a shameless promotion for him; now that it's taken care of, onwards to the meat of this post.

During a very slow Tuesday night performance, Neal and I sat at the back of the club chatting about Godknowswhat. For no apparent reason, our conversation drifted towards his "love life." I commented to him about the hot girl I saw him escorting a few weeks prior. "Did she have dark hair or light hair? I'm doing quite well for myself," he said. Clearly.

"Come on, Neal. I can understand wanting to go around screwing every hot girl you can get, but don't you think one day, like when you're 70, you'll just want somebody to hold your hand?"

"I'll figure something out when it gets to that point. I'll still be rich."

*rolling my eyes* "Don't you want to be in love? Feel a connection?"

"There's no such thing as unconditional love. Of COURSE there's no such thing as unconditional love. You love somebody because they do something for you, make you feel a certain way about yourself. If circumstances were to change, you wouldn't love them anymore."

"You're a cynic! Sorry, Neal. I believe in love, destiny, the stars... I'm a romantic."

"How many happy couples do you know? I don't know any! Every married couple that I know, the man is miserable and the woman is waiting for the man to not be miserable."

"I do know a happy couple - my aunt and uncle. They still go for walks on the beach, he still buys her nice gifts to make her smile, and he says that the best part of his day is coming home from work because he gets to see her again. Of course, they happen to be the only couple I know that is like this."

"Exactly. I'm not saying it doesn't exist, but they are the exception, not the rule."

(Gee, that line sounds vaguely familiar. Oh, right! From He' Just Not That Into You noting that fairy tales/romantic comedies are not the rule).

(Neal continuing) "People are like gorillas. You ever watch gorillas? The male gorillas hang out in a group over here and the female gorillas and baby gorillas hang out in a group over there. The males and females meet up to have sex and have more baby gorillas and then they go back to their respective groups. The male gorillas otherwise couldn't care less about the females or even the babies! That's what men are like."

(By now, I'm speechless and I don't have a response).

(Neal continuing) "The problem with women is that they become too attached and needy."

"Well, aren't you making it clear to them that you aren't looking for anything?"

"Of course! But they do this anyway. For example, I'm going to Vegas this week for a show. This girl I've been seeing calls me to ask me a bunch of questions about it. 'When are you going? Can I meet up with you?' No, bitch. Why? Because I'll be meeting up with some other girl!"

"Oh geez. Really, you don't ever find yourself lonely and just wanting to be with somebody?"

"Who has the time? I have about half an hour a day where I'm not working on writing, doing stand-up, or whatever. I have an insane amount of stuff recorded on my DVR that I'd rather be watching. If I were in a relationship, the girl would only be neglected because I just don't have the time. No, relationships aren't for me."

(Gee, this also sounds vaguely familiar. Oh, right. Another lame excuse from a guy who is "too focused" on his career to be in a relationship. Haven't I heard this before?)

But I decided to share some new found wisdom I garnered from having a discussion with a group of 4 guys, 3 of which are comedians. "I was recently told that the magic number is 3. The third time you sleep with a woman, she will become emotionally attached. You don't want a relationship? You don't want to break any hearts? You don't want to deal with the annoyance of a "needy female"? Keep the dalliances to 2 per woman."

Neal is silent and thinking for a second and suddenly says, "Yeah... 3 sounds about right!"

Have I imparted forbidden knowledge to the devil? I'm sure he would have eventually figured it out for himself. At least I've prevented some broken hearts, right?

Even though I disagree with Neal, I still find him highly entertaining and incredibly fun to be around. Besides, he told me that he thinks I'll be an "exception." "Oh, Tammy. I don't mean YOU. You'll definitely find love." Even I didn't believe him.

One more shameless promotion for him. Please go see Neal Brennan's directorial debut: "The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard" in theaters August 14th.