"I don't want you trying to get with me and I end up unhappy. I don't need the hurt and I don't need the pain. So before I do, give myself to you, I have to know the truth... If you had my love and I gave you all my trust, would you comfort me? And if somehow you knew that your love would be untrue, would you lie to me and call me baby?"
I'm gonna make sure I know the answers to these questions before giving my heart out again. There's only so many times a girl's heart can break without breaking her spirit, also. So far, I've been careless in who I have entrusted my heart with. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I'm a huge retard. "It's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust."
I suppose I've been too idealistic. I always believed that love was enough to pull a couple through anything. I didn't think any problem was insurmountable for two people in love. "'How do you know when enough is enough?' 'In love, it's never enough.'" That's always made me give 110% into something I believed to be worthwhile. I would've tried anything to make things work because I truly believed that it was something worth fighting for. But I guess it's not enough if the other person doesn't also feel the same way.
I feel like I keep running into a brick wall. So I've reached a fork in the road. To my left, there's a clear path, although a little bit dark. I can see that there's a nice scene lying at the far end of the clear path. To my right, there's a brick wall. I'm not sure what's behind it, but something tells me it's wonderful, although I can't be completely sure. But I want what's behind that wall! Screw the clear path! So I proceed to smack into the wall... over and over and OVER AGAIN. But it's a brick wall. Deep down, I know I can't break it down without help. But I keep trying because I REALLY want what's behind that wall. As the wall becomes smeared in my own blood, I realize that it's not going to come down. I start to give up and walk away, but then a small crack appears and I think I'm making progress. Then the process starts all over again as I keep running myself into the wall.
I have to be some sort of masochist. It's like, "Please. Keep hurting me. I like it." Ugh. For all I know, the clear path might just lead me to the other side of the wall, even if it's the long way around. But no. I insist on breaking down this wall. It's just that I've put so much work into this and I'm not one to give up. But I think it's time that I do let go of it. I'm going to kill myself if I keep smacking into this wall.
I have to believe that everything will work out for the best. I have to believe that things will happen if they are meant to happen. Somewhere along the path of life, roads will cross again if they are meant to. I have to be content knowing that I gave everything I had and leave no regrets behind.

I've had this obsession with getting my heart back so that I wouldn't feel so empty. Kazu's advice for me is to grow a brand new heart because the old one, as shattered as it is, is really no use to me anymore. I'm beginning to think that's the best plan of action. It's best to just let the old one die where it is and make a fresh start with everything.
I look around this path I've been walking on and it seems familiar; I've been this way before. At the same time, the path seems different. I try to think back about the last time I've had my heart broken and how I stayed strong, but it's been so long that I had forgotten the kind of hurt that goes along with it. But I know I've been through it before and I know I can do it again and emerge stronger than I was before.

I'm trying to keep myself busy so that I won't have time to think or to feel. I think I'm feeling... okay. I've been better, but I've been worse, too.
Even after everything, I don't regret a moment. At least I'll always know that I gave everything I had. I would've always wondered "what if..." if I didn't do everything I could to make it work. I guess it's time for me to leave the brick wall and head along down the clear path. I really believed I was strong enough to make everything work. But I can't do it by myself.

It means so much to me that you guys care so much about me. I wouldn't be able to get through this without you.
To my lobster, my best friend, I don't regret a minute of our time together because I've had the happiest moments with you.
My sister bought last minute tickets for tomorrow morning to fly up to Berkeley just to see me. I'm so grateful for the people who love me and will do anything to see me feeling better.

Do you ever feel like crying but not know why? I indulged that feeling today. Sometimes a good cry will make you feel a million times better. Deep down, I know what caused the tears.

If I had one wish right now, it would be to see you smile.
When you see someone you really care about unhappy, it makes you feel down, too. You try your best to make him feel better, yet it only seems to further agitate him. I think it's bad when one person's happiness totally depends on another. What happened to taking care of yourself? You can only take "your pain is my pain" so far.

I had my first section on Tuesday. It was pretty interesting. Actually, I'm pretty glad no one I knew showed up to listen to me teach. I was kind of all over the place and ill-prepared. But I think it should be better today. This time, I'm bringing along a powerpoint presentation I spent an hour coming up with. So yeah. I think it should be okay today. I also have office hours. WOW! I have OFFICE HOURS! =] My students seem to be cool. I have a lot of international students, though. This could be a problem because they seem to have English "disabilities." I'm not sure how they're gonna do. I feel bad enough since I figure this summer session is going to be pretty hard. Probably not as hard as Barath made OURS out to be, but still hard enough that people will be complaining. I guess that's to be expected from 61B.

"Successful test for submission of assignment proj1-code on Mon Mar 3 21:38:00 2003. Your submission of assignment proj1-code at Mon Mar 3 21:38:00 2003 successfully compiled and passed our tests. << All tests passed." Isn't that the most exciting thing ever? =]

Going back to Berkeley on Sunday! That's pretty exciting. I have so much stuff to pack up to go back. I didn't realize how much stuff I bought! I'm a shop-aholic! =] I bought a cute ribbon tank from Abercrombie and Fitch. Also bought the matching underwear. Apparently, it's "skanky cute," in the words of Li. Christine is getting back from Santa Cruz today and we're supposed to hang out later. We're gonna go get food and pick up on cute boys =] Haha. Right. I also bought shoes today to go with my new summer dress. Hurrah for my new wardrobe!

Went shopping today. That was exciting. I bought a cute yellow tank with cherries on it from Forever 21. =] Also bought a cute polo shirt from Aeropostale. Then headed over to the Sanrio store (never too old for Sanrio!) and bought a new pencil case since mine is broken. Also bought a Hello Kitty tote, large enough to fit my laptop. =D Proceeded over to GameStop and bought Street Fighter 3 Alpha on Game Boy Advance (for Desmond). Then headed over to Michael's to buy magnets for my sister. I wanted to sunbathe and get tanner, but it didn't start to get sunny until later in the afternoon, while I was shopping. It's okay, though. Tomorrow, I plan to head over to Galleria to shop.

I've been in Torrance for about a week now. Good times, good times.
Monday: Hung out with the family since my grandmother is visiting from Taiwan.
Tuesday: Tried to work out in the morning. I ran in a mile before I nearly died. Wow. I'm so out of shape.
Wednesday: Took my grandmother out to lunch and then took her shoe shopping. She was looking for a pair of sneakers. But she's looking not just for any kind; it MUST be the kind without laces. She prefers velcro, instead. WHERE, may I ask, AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND THOSE? So I took her to Foot Locker, Lady Foot Locker, and even Children's Foot Locker. Better luck next time, I suppose.
Thursday: Sat my lazy ass at home trying to read over CS material so I won't be completely lost this summer.
Friday: Tried to take my grandmother to one of my favorite Chinese restaurants, but it was closed. That was depressing. Then drove over to this other Chinese place that USED to be good, but now isn't. We had dim sum, but there wasn't too much and it wasn't very good. I tried to pay for the lunch, but she wouldn't let me. She says I can pay when I make money (which I do). Apparently, she's talking about a REAL JOB.
Saturday: Headed over to my cousin's house in Rowland Heights. It's been two years since my grandfather pass away, so we had to do some praying and whatnot. Then had lunch with my family (including cousins, aunt, and uncle) at some Chinese restaurant in Rowland Heights. Apparently, my (older) cousin thinks its funny to joke about the Lakers and whatnot. I, on the other hand, was not too amused.

This week has been non-stop programming. The horrors of programming. It's a nightmare!
I've been pretty moody lately. I think it's mostly because I haven't been out on a night of fun for such a long time. When I finally get free time to do stuff, I'm usually stuck at home sleeping because I have no one to go out with. It's most depressing indeed. Everybody is busy all the time. We could all use a break.
I have a midterm on Tuesday that I'm totally ill prepared for. With emotions running high, I don't really know how my brain has been functioning.

I haven't updated in awhile. I suppose it's because I took the link off of my profile and I've just forgotten about it. Not like much has happened anyway. Same ol'. same ol'.
Went to McDonald's with Charlie and Brian tonight. Some homeless guy kept staring at me and Charlie. We were talking about him in Chinese. Quite amusing. I guess you had to be there.
I did absolutely nothing today. Watched a bunch of episodes of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. I wanted to play video games, but then I realized that I couldn't really start anything as I would not have time to finish it. Quite sad. I wanted to see Bulletproof Monk, even though it looks lame. I like Chow Yun Fat, though. He's cool. =] There are a bunch of movies out for rent that I wanted to see, too. Unfortunately for me, people are busy. Charlie's with his girlfriend at Treasure Island (some AAA thing), Brian's studying, and Holly's MIA. Shmeh.
I need a date.

Back in Berkeley and more stressed out than ever. CS162 project and a philosophy paper. I was so tired this week. It's non-stop work. But oh well. School is important, so I'll deal. I better be getting a damn good job after graduating. Then maybe some more school. Hurrah for me.
STALK? Apparently, I need someone to stalk. That's lovely. According to Brian, I need someone to stalk. A guy, that is. A hot one at that. =] I wouldn't have it any other way.

So I'm back in Torrance. I've been here for nearly a week and nothing has happened. I've been sick, so I can't even go out. Plus, I have no means of transportation as my car is sitting in Berkeley. So I've just been sitting at home, playing with my laptop, and sleeping. Sounds great, huh? Eh. I suppose it's better than stressing myself out in Berkeley.
The point of coming back to Torrance was to get away from Berkeley and certain problems. I was supposed to be able to think clearly with a good distance between me and Berkeley. Unfortunately for me, this cold has not seemed to go away and my mind seems just as clouded. I've been thinking a lot about everything. I looked over a lot of my past diary entries, both online and in my old diary, and it's strange. I mean, I can still remember the events quite clearly, but I can't seem to follow my own train of thoughts. I've grown a lot since then and I think I would've acted much differently knowing what I do now. At the same time, I know that a couple of years from now, I'll look onto the events of today and wonder, "What the HELL was I thinking?!"
I found, however, that my ideals and visions of love have remained the same throughout the years. And now.. here I am. I gave up those very same principles to be with someone that I think may be The One. So then I begin to wonder if I'm sacrificing too much. Would The One really ask me to give that all up? Without those ideals, am I even the same person? I wonder...
I've also been doing a lot of thinking about soul mates. I was watching Sex and The City and there's this episode where Carrie and her crew decide to be each others' soul mates and to see dating as "great, nice guys to have fun with." I think that sort of makes sense. I used to think that your soul mate is the one person you're supposed to be with. In that sense, The One and soul mate was synonymous. But now I begin to think otherwise. I mean, I see it as your soul mate is supposed to be the one person who completely understands you. Not necessarily does this mean that this person is The One. Now I think that The One is just a feeling that you get. Yes, there are some requirements. For example, I may not think that my One completely gets everything I do/think/say, but he must be able to accept me for everything that I am and everything that I am not. In saying all this, I mean to say that it is quite likely that someone you are not romantically involved with just might be your soul mate. And it also may be true that your One may not necessarily be your soul mate. I just kind of like that idea because then I know that although I may never find The One, I'll always have my soul mate to fall back on. And I DO believe that I've found my soul mate.

It's early o'clock in the morning, but I can't sleep because I'm having a coughing fit. My body doesn't seem to like it when I lay down because I go into this fit of coughing. Doesn't look like I'll be sleeping for awhile. Stupid cold. It just doesn't want to go away.
I can't wait for Spring Break. I need some time away from the hustle and bustle of Berkeley. I'm sick of this and I'm ready for the comforts of home. Maybe it'll give me the distance to finally gain a clear perspective on things.

I made out a list of all the people that have made a (positive or negative) impact on my life. It's interesting looking at it. There seemed to be a lot more names/images swirling in my head than actually came out on paper. Looking at it all, I consider myself to be actually quite lucky. I've lead quite a full life for my nineteen years and most of those years seem to have a lot of happy times. I mean, really, what do I have to be sad about? I look at my life right now and it's really wonderful. I have great friends who love me, my family who constantly checks up on me, and I go to a school that I love. So I'm without a boyfriend. If that's the way it goes, then that's the way it goes. Who am I to question fate? Somewhere along my journey, I'm going to be entirely certain who is right for me and I know we'll spend the rest of the way making each other deliriously happy. In the mean time, I'll make do with making myself happy.

"What am I to do with my life? You will find out, don't worry. How am I supposed to know what's right? You just gotta do it your way." -Britney Spears, Overprotected
Christine came to visit on Sunday. I haven't seen her since December, so it was good to hang out with her again. She reminds me that I'm not the only crazy one. =] Haha. So we were talking about past relationships and whatnot. Same ol' thing... Tony was a bastard, we all thought Jeremy was scary, etc., etc. I think we were both really glad that we were always there for each other during those times. So anyway, as for advice for now, she says, "Just do whatever makes you happy. And if anyone hurts you, I'LL KILL HIM."

So Charlie's party last Saturday... it was hot, hot, HOT. Did I mention that it was HOT? =] Yeah. Dancers... they're hot. Heh heh heh.

I spent 16 hours programming yesterday. 16 hours! I'll never get those 16 hours of my life back! My CS group got to Soda at 11am and proceeded to work until 6pm. We then ate some dinner and continued to work. We finished at 3am. Well, we figured out the bugs of one problem and we could compile the other. Unfortunately for us, everybody who was anybody decided to be on all the servers so everything was going super slow. It would take five minutes just to open the editor window! And then you would type something and you'd have to wait a couple of seconds before it showed up on the screen. Sigh. How are you supposed to program under conditions like that??