Yesterday, I was told by my mother that at 25, I am too old to be out late every night having fun. It is time that I settle down and find a "reliable man" to share my life with; it is time that I stop chasing "cute boys" because I am too old to be playing those games. She said that I should lower my standards, trash those silly romantic notions, and just find a man who can support me financially because I shouldn't and COULDN'T do it alone.
I related this to my recent trip to the movies with some girlfriends. We went to see what we all deem to be a "chick flick": Bride Wars. To no surprise, the theater was overflowing with groups of women gathering together to watch this film on opening night, even selling out at several showings. Amongst the women, I heard an endless amount of gossiping, giggling, and "girl talk," mostly consisting of, "Who needs men anyway, girls?!" To this, I silently nodded and agreed, "I don't need a man!" Somewhere towards the end of the movie, I realized I was surrounded by females dabbing at the corner of their eyes, some even had tears streaming down their faces. What is it about these silly romantic comedies that get to the fairer sex? I will admit to having cried during many of these types of films; yeah, I'm a sucker.
I walked out of the theater that night feeling more hopeless than ever. "Will I ever find that 'happily ever after'?" This night of supposed female empowerment turned quite the opposite. What was to be expected? We went to see a romantic comedy about weddings. Who in their right minds would believe that this night to the movies would make for a great single girls' night out? If anything, it only serves to highlight the things you secretly desire the most yet could not even hope to have because it goes against the institution of "Girl Power." I am an independent woman; I don't need romance, a man, or a wedding! I scoff at those females who need a man to complete their lives! Oh, please.
I am really as independent as they get. I don't need that "reliable man" to provide for me as my mother so aptly puts it. It's taken me quite a long time to realize and envision such things, but I am finally able to see my life without a man. I actually do believe that I can be quite content and comfortable with a life on my own, seeing to my own needs and desires. But I want MORE. I want to wake up next to a man every morning and know that I could be fine on my own, but feel a depth of love for him that makes me more than "just fine"... it completes me.
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Inspiration.
It's the sun rising in the East.
It's the sun setting in the West.
It's the morning dew on a blade of grass.
It's the crisp evening chill against your face.
It's the one that "got away."
It's the one you wake up with in the morning.
It's the aroma of coffee roasting when you wake.
It's the warmth of a blanket around you while you sleep.
It's everything you are.
It's everything you are not.
It's the sun rising in the East.
It's the sun setting in the West.
It's the morning dew on a blade of grass.
It's the crisp evening chill against your face.
It's the one that "got away."
It's the one you wake up with in the morning.
It's the aroma of coffee roasting when you wake.
It's the warmth of a blanket around you while you sleep.
It's everything you are.
It's everything you are not.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
On this day, I am proud to be an American and to be a part of a historic occasion in abolishing hatred and inequality. In record numbers, people rushed to the polls and elected our first African-American president in a landslide victory, proving that above all, we the people of the United States are putting our hope for change in a man based on something valid and real as opposed to the color of his skin.
Today, I smile for the long and difficult journey we have taken to reach this momentous occasion in realizing the Truth in "All Men Are Created Equal."
The journey, however, does not end here; there are still many obstacles we have yet to overcome.
Today, I weep for the continued bigotry decided by the Californian people.
While we have made leaps and bounds in Civil Rights and Women's Lib, we have yet to extend that same courtesy to the Gay Community. The passage of California Proposition 8 not only amends our Constitution to ban gay marriages, it stands to promote unfairness and inequality among the people.
Not so long ago, anti-miscegenation laws were in effect in the United States, banning interracial marriages. The Supreme Court voted these laws as unconstitutional in 1967 and were henceforth abolished. Nonetheless, it took South Carolina until 1998 and Alabama until 2000 to officially amend their respective states' constitution to validate this ruling. Even in this modern age, there are still testaments of discrimination toward interracial couples, to which I can personally attest to.
In passing California Proposition 8, we are again allowing the state to dictate the difference and separation of people. I am disgusted and ashamed to be a part of this occasion in which we knowingly and decidingly CHOOSE to discriminate, flaunt ignorance, and demonstrate bigotry.
I hope to see the day that there is true equality. Today is not that day. Tomorrow is a new day that we can put our faith in hope, change, and "Yes, we can!"
Please sign the petition to re-open Prop 8.
Today, I smile for the long and difficult journey we have taken to reach this momentous occasion in realizing the Truth in "All Men Are Created Equal."
The journey, however, does not end here; there are still many obstacles we have yet to overcome.
Today, I weep for the continued bigotry decided by the Californian people.
While we have made leaps and bounds in Civil Rights and Women's Lib, we have yet to extend that same courtesy to the Gay Community. The passage of California Proposition 8 not only amends our Constitution to ban gay marriages, it stands to promote unfairness and inequality among the people.
Not so long ago, anti-miscegenation laws were in effect in the United States, banning interracial marriages. The Supreme Court voted these laws as unconstitutional in 1967 and were henceforth abolished. Nonetheless, it took South Carolina until 1998 and Alabama until 2000 to officially amend their respective states' constitution to validate this ruling. Even in this modern age, there are still testaments of discrimination toward interracial couples, to which I can personally attest to.
In passing California Proposition 8, we are again allowing the state to dictate the difference and separation of people. I am disgusted and ashamed to be a part of this occasion in which we knowingly and decidingly CHOOSE to discriminate, flaunt ignorance, and demonstrate bigotry.
I hope to see the day that there is true equality. Today is not that day. Tomorrow is a new day that we can put our faith in hope, change, and "Yes, we can!"
Please sign the petition to re-open Prop 8.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
I stole this from Stacey, but she wouldn't mind. I wanted to share the message.
---------------------------
One day a small opening appeared on a cocoon, a man sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force it's body through that little opening. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no further.
So the man decided to help the butterfly, he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.
Neither happened.
In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of it's life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly. What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand, was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the opening, were God's way of forcing the fluid from the body of the butterfly into it's wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved it's freedom from the cocoon.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If God allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as we could have been. We could never fly.
I asked for strength...
And God gave me Difficulties to make me strong.
I asked for wisdom...
And God gave me problems to solve.
I asked for Prosperity...
And God gave me Brain and Brawn to work.
I asked for Courage...
And God gave me Danger to overcome.
I asked for Love...
And God gave me Troubled people to help.
I asked for Favors...
And God gave me opportunities.
I received nothing I wanted.
I received everything I needed.
---------------------------
One day a small opening appeared on a cocoon, a man sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force it's body through that little opening. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no further.
So the man decided to help the butterfly, he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.
Neither happened.
In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of it's life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly. What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand, was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the opening, were God's way of forcing the fluid from the body of the butterfly into it's wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved it's freedom from the cocoon.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If God allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as we could have been. We could never fly.
I asked for strength...
And God gave me Difficulties to make me strong.
I asked for wisdom...
And God gave me problems to solve.
I asked for Prosperity...
And God gave me Brain and Brawn to work.
I asked for Courage...
And God gave me Danger to overcome.
I asked for Love...
And God gave me Troubled people to help.
I asked for Favors...
And God gave me opportunities.
I received nothing I wanted.
I received everything I needed.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
According to my good friend, here are the qualities I need to look for in a guy:
Holds a stable job making more than 150K a year.
Apparently, I am a spoiled brat and I need a guy that can spoil me. I don't know about that. I don't expect a guy to buy me the expensive shoes, purses, etc. That's why I have my own job -- so I can buy the stuff I want for myself.
Is devoted to Tammy... and only Tammy.
Well, sure, who doesn't want a significant other who is devoted to them? Only I don't want to be smothered (think Johnson *shudder*). Sorry. Kind of need a guy who is also passionate about bettering themselves be it through career or hobbies.
No drama in his life (i.e. stable family background and grounded).
This one I get. I have enough drama in my life as it is. At the same time, it's kind of hard (and boring) to have someone with no drama.
Preferably Asian (concession to my parents).
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Smart, graduate degree preferred.
I don't base intelligence by degrees. Sure looks nice on paper, though.
Likes dogs.
Agreed.
Drives a nice car and willing to share in a yuppie lifestyle.
We can fix the car thing later. =P As for being a yuppie, I never really thought of myself as such but when I REALLY think about it, I suppose I am.
Age compatibility: plus 7, minus 2 only. (Ages 22-31)
Whatever. Age is just a number. As long as he's not old enough to be my father or too young to drink legally. *shudder*
Height -- must be taller. Tall enough that I have to tiptoe to kiss him, but not so tall that I have to stand on a chair to kiss him.
Yes, must be taller. Not sure I agree with the rest of it. As long as I can wear heels and still be shorter, I'm good.
Loves sports, preferably Cal.
I can fix this, too.
Someone who is tough at work, but a puppy at home with me.
I don't get this one at all, so if anyone could explain it to me, it would be much appreciated.
Holds a stable job making more than 150K a year.
Apparently, I am a spoiled brat and I need a guy that can spoil me. I don't know about that. I don't expect a guy to buy me the expensive shoes, purses, etc. That's why I have my own job -- so I can buy the stuff I want for myself.
Is devoted to Tammy... and only Tammy.
Well, sure, who doesn't want a significant other who is devoted to them? Only I don't want to be smothered (think Johnson *shudder*). Sorry. Kind of need a guy who is also passionate about bettering themselves be it through career or hobbies.
No drama in his life (i.e. stable family background and grounded).
This one I get. I have enough drama in my life as it is. At the same time, it's kind of hard (and boring) to have someone with no drama.
Preferably Asian (concession to my parents).
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Smart, graduate degree preferred.
I don't base intelligence by degrees. Sure looks nice on paper, though.
Likes dogs.
Agreed.
Drives a nice car and willing to share in a yuppie lifestyle.
We can fix the car thing later. =P As for being a yuppie, I never really thought of myself as such but when I REALLY think about it, I suppose I am.
Age compatibility: plus 7, minus 2 only. (Ages 22-31)
Whatever. Age is just a number. As long as he's not old enough to be my father or too young to drink legally. *shudder*
Height -- must be taller. Tall enough that I have to tiptoe to kiss him, but not so tall that I have to stand on a chair to kiss him.
Yes, must be taller. Not sure I agree with the rest of it. As long as I can wear heels and still be shorter, I'm good.
Loves sports, preferably Cal.
I can fix this, too.
Someone who is tough at work, but a puppy at home with me.
I don't get this one at all, so if anyone could explain it to me, it would be much appreciated.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
I am ashamed (not really, actually) to admit that I love Danity Kane's new single Damaged. I think it has a great, catchy beat and who hasn't related to these lyrics at some point?
Do, Do you got a first aid kit handy?
Do, do you know how to patch up a wound, tell me
Are, are, are you, are you patient, understanding?
'Cause I might need some time to clear the hole in my heart and I
I tried every remedy and nothing seems to work for me
Damaged, Damaged, Damaged, Damaged
I thought that I should let you know
That my heart is
Damaged, Damaged, so damaged, so damaged
And you can blame the one before
So how you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it? [baby, I gotta know]
I think I've come up with a solution on how to "fix it." Check it out:
Do, Do you got a first aid kit handy?
Do, do you know how to patch up a wound, tell me
Are, are, are you, are you patient, understanding?
'Cause I might need some time to clear the hole in my heart and I
I tried every remedy and nothing seems to work for me
Damaged, Damaged, Damaged, Damaged
I thought that I should let you know
That my heart is
Damaged, Damaged, so damaged, so damaged
And you can blame the one before
So how you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it? [baby, I gotta know]
I think I've come up with a solution on how to "fix it." Check it out:
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Sadly, my iPod passed away this morning. It lived a long, healthy 4 years. A moment of silence, please.
I was at the gym this morning about half way through my work out and suddenly, my iPod stops working. It just freezes up. There is an older man on the elliptical machine next to me who is breathing quite heavily, so I am quite anxious to have my iPod fixed so I can drown him out. Unfortunately for me, there is nothing that I could do to fix it.
You know how your iPod shows the Apple icon when you restart your iPod? Well, it did that. Then, instead of proceeding on to show me my menu, I get this:
Yep. My iPod had just informed me that it had died. Look at the Xs for eyes!
Even in my sadness over losing such a close friend, I can't help but be amused by this icon. I was told by my iPod quite bluntly that it was dead.
I was at the gym this morning about half way through my work out and suddenly, my iPod stops working. It just freezes up. There is an older man on the elliptical machine next to me who is breathing quite heavily, so I am quite anxious to have my iPod fixed so I can drown him out. Unfortunately for me, there is nothing that I could do to fix it.
You know how your iPod shows the Apple icon when you restart your iPod? Well, it did that. Then, instead of proceeding on to show me my menu, I get this:
Yep. My iPod had just informed me that it had died. Look at the Xs for eyes!Even in my sadness over losing such a close friend, I can't help but be amused by this icon. I was told by my iPod quite bluntly that it was dead.
Monday, March 31, 2008
I was attacked by a crazy lady while crossing Market on Davis today.
So DJ and I were walking back to the office from a trip to the grocery store (yes, in the middle of the work day -- don't judge me) and I was telling him about thoughts of what I would do if I moved back down to LA.
"So if I moved back down and pursued the job that I actually want, I know that I'd have to start all over -- maybe as an intern or assistant. That pretty much means I won't be paid, so I would really have to consider moving into my parents' house. But just thinking about it makes my head want to explode!"
While I am talking, I notice a crazy looking (whatever that may look like, you can only imagine), rather large Asian lady crossing the street going in the opposite direction as us. Just as she passes by me, I am just completing my sentence: "...it makes my head want to explode!" She KICKS my leg and then proceeds to spat out, "Bitch!"
At first, I am just slightly stunned. What did I say to offend this woman? What did I do? Then I turn to DJ, "That woman just attacked me!" DJ responds, "What?? What just happened?" I can't believe he missed it! But then we just start laughing hysterically. I mean, it didn't really hurt, I was more surprised than anything else.
Of course, we are trying to logically reason this out. What did this woman have against me? DJ: "Well, if she was rather large, maybe she thought you were saying that SHE was going to explode. Or maybe she was just jealous because you're skinny." Hmm... or maybe she was just crazy! Whatever the case is, it certainly was an interesting... uhm... diversion? As long as this doesn't leave a bruise, I will continue to find it a rather amusing incident.
Oh, San Francisco. You are full of surprises.
So DJ and I were walking back to the office from a trip to the grocery store (yes, in the middle of the work day -- don't judge me) and I was telling him about thoughts of what I would do if I moved back down to LA.
"So if I moved back down and pursued the job that I actually want, I know that I'd have to start all over -- maybe as an intern or assistant. That pretty much means I won't be paid, so I would really have to consider moving into my parents' house. But just thinking about it makes my head want to explode!"
While I am talking, I notice a crazy looking (whatever that may look like, you can only imagine), rather large Asian lady crossing the street going in the opposite direction as us. Just as she passes by me, I am just completing my sentence: "...it makes my head want to explode!" She KICKS my leg and then proceeds to spat out, "Bitch!"
At first, I am just slightly stunned. What did I say to offend this woman? What did I do? Then I turn to DJ, "That woman just attacked me!" DJ responds, "What?? What just happened?" I can't believe he missed it! But then we just start laughing hysterically. I mean, it didn't really hurt, I was more surprised than anything else.
Of course, we are trying to logically reason this out. What did this woman have against me? DJ: "Well, if she was rather large, maybe she thought you were saying that SHE was going to explode. Or maybe she was just jealous because you're skinny." Hmm... or maybe she was just crazy! Whatever the case is, it certainly was an interesting... uhm... diversion? As long as this doesn't leave a bruise, I will continue to find it a rather amusing incident.
Oh, San Francisco. You are full of surprises.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
I went to see a palm reader yesterday. I was walking back to the office from Coffee Bean and saw a sign for a palm reading. For whatever reason, I felt the need to go in and check it out. Unfortunately, I was already running late to a meeting as it was, so I decided I would go back in the afternoon. I probably should have discarded the thought of going back; it's one of those things that I should've done on impulse as opposed to planning a visit.
What she told me:
I will live a long life.
Ugh. I hope not. After seeing my grandparents deteriorate in such a way at an old age, I just don't think I could handle it. Aging is such a horrible disease. How about we find a cure for that?!
I am a happy person and show my smile a lot. Although I do not reflect this on the inside.
Great. Apparently, I "fake smile" a lot. Just like that one day a couple of weeks ago when it suddenly started to rain like crazy while I was taking a walk. As I said then, "Thanks, God. Why not let it rain? It'll match how I feel on the inside!"
I am a kind and giving person, a good person... BUT I won't get many favors in return in my life.
Wait. What? You mean I'll just keep giving and giving and GIVING, but I won't get anything back in return?! Crap! And here I thought that my kind and generous nature would eventually take me some place! So much for that plan.
In the last four months, I have been searching for a happiness that didn't turn out as I wanted.
The only thing she said that I thought, "Wow! That's spot on!"
I haven't met my soulmate.
No joke. If I had, wouldn't I be with him right now? Actually, I suppose this is better news. It would be worse if I had already met my soulmate and am still completely oblivious to who it is.
My heart is in mourning and grieving.
Well duh. You just said that I hadn't found the happiness I was searching for.
My career, in terms of financials and success, will remain fairly static for about a year. After a year, I will have new opportunities and be in control of my career.
Damn. Does that mean I don't have control right now? Eh. I suppose I can at least be grateful that I'll be financially stable for the next year.
There is a dark cloud over my aura.
What the hell does that mean? Like a rain cloud? Is it raining on my aura? Can I perform dark magic with this dark cloud?
There are two people in my life that are jealous of me and preventing me from finding my happiness.
Uhm... really? Jealous? Of me? Hah! That's pretty funny.
I can help you remove the dark cloud over your aura. I can also provide you with the names of the two people that are jealous of you. I have these special candles. There are nine of them and they burn for ninety days. By providing your full name and birthday and my special abilities, I will be able to do this for you. I do not charge for my services for this, but I do charge for the candles. They cost $280.
$280?! You've got to be joking! What kind of candles are these?! Now if they were those cool Babylon candles from Stardust that will transport you anywhere you want to be with just a thought... well then, hey, I'm on board! But now I'm curious as to whose names will be revealed by these candles. Will it be John and Steve? Or Mike and Christine? *Rolling my eyes* Or, I suppose, she could just Google me -- after all, it does take ninety days for those candles to burn.
What she told me:
I will live a long life.
Ugh. I hope not. After seeing my grandparents deteriorate in such a way at an old age, I just don't think I could handle it. Aging is such a horrible disease. How about we find a cure for that?!
I am a happy person and show my smile a lot. Although I do not reflect this on the inside.
Great. Apparently, I "fake smile" a lot. Just like that one day a couple of weeks ago when it suddenly started to rain like crazy while I was taking a walk. As I said then, "Thanks, God. Why not let it rain? It'll match how I feel on the inside!"
I am a kind and giving person, a good person... BUT I won't get many favors in return in my life.
Wait. What? You mean I'll just keep giving and giving and GIVING, but I won't get anything back in return?! Crap! And here I thought that my kind and generous nature would eventually take me some place! So much for that plan.
In the last four months, I have been searching for a happiness that didn't turn out as I wanted.
The only thing she said that I thought, "Wow! That's spot on!"
I haven't met my soulmate.
No joke. If I had, wouldn't I be with him right now? Actually, I suppose this is better news. It would be worse if I had already met my soulmate and am still completely oblivious to who it is.
My heart is in mourning and grieving.
Well duh. You just said that I hadn't found the happiness I was searching for.
My career, in terms of financials and success, will remain fairly static for about a year. After a year, I will have new opportunities and be in control of my career.
Damn. Does that mean I don't have control right now? Eh. I suppose I can at least be grateful that I'll be financially stable for the next year.
There is a dark cloud over my aura.
What the hell does that mean? Like a rain cloud? Is it raining on my aura? Can I perform dark magic with this dark cloud?
There are two people in my life that are jealous of me and preventing me from finding my happiness.
Uhm... really? Jealous? Of me? Hah! That's pretty funny.
I can help you remove the dark cloud over your aura. I can also provide you with the names of the two people that are jealous of you. I have these special candles. There are nine of them and they burn for ninety days. By providing your full name and birthday and my special abilities, I will be able to do this for you. I do not charge for my services for this, but I do charge for the candles. They cost $280.
$280?! You've got to be joking! What kind of candles are these?! Now if they were those cool Babylon candles from Stardust that will transport you anywhere you want to be with just a thought... well then, hey, I'm on board! But now I'm curious as to whose names will be revealed by these candles. Will it be John and Steve? Or Mike and Christine? *Rolling my eyes* Or, I suppose, she could just Google me -- after all, it does take ninety days for those candles to burn.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
So I am setting some short term goals and deadlines for myself:
03.17.08 - 04.17.08
Vegetarian month
I haven't done it yet this year and I figured it was a good month because I'm already eating very little based on my mood. It feels good, though.
05.17.08
Move decision
I needed to give myself two months to make this decision. I just want to make sure that I want to move for the right reasons -- for me.
08.01.08
Size 0-2, 115 lbs.
I want to look damn good for my sister's wedding. Those photos are going to be displayed for a LONG time, so I better look good. Plus, the wedding is in LA, so I really can't slack with all the beautiful people everywhere!
03.17.08 - 09.17.08
Abstain from dating
This is going to be the toughest one. I haven't stayed single for longer than two months since high school. I just need to take time for myself and I figured six months is a good way to start. Tammy has officially taken herself off the market. We'll see how long this will last. I'll certainly try to maintain this. So, Mr. Right, should you come along before this six month period is over, I hope you will wait for me.
I feel so much better after setting these goals and deadlines. It just feels like I'm really working toward making myself a better person, understanding myself better, and finding real happiness.
03.17.08 - 04.17.08
Vegetarian month
I haven't done it yet this year and I figured it was a good month because I'm already eating very little based on my mood. It feels good, though.
05.17.08
Move decision
I needed to give myself two months to make this decision. I just want to make sure that I want to move for the right reasons -- for me.
08.01.08
Size 0-2, 115 lbs.
I want to look damn good for my sister's wedding. Those photos are going to be displayed for a LONG time, so I better look good. Plus, the wedding is in LA, so I really can't slack with all the beautiful people everywhere!
03.17.08 - 09.17.08
Abstain from dating
This is going to be the toughest one. I haven't stayed single for longer than two months since high school. I just need to take time for myself and I figured six months is a good way to start. Tammy has officially taken herself off the market. We'll see how long this will last. I'll certainly try to maintain this. So, Mr. Right, should you come along before this six month period is over, I hope you will wait for me.
I feel so much better after setting these goals and deadlines. It just feels like I'm really working toward making myself a better person, understanding myself better, and finding real happiness.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
I always thought I just wanted to be comfortable or content; there was no need to be REALLY happy because that would be selfish and asking for too much. I was okay with just being moderately happy. Then I started to notice all around me, people that were pursuing their dreams, looking for something more. I thought then that maybe there was something more than just being comfortable. Maybe there really was something better out there, something I could really touch. When I decided that I was fine with just being content, I had given up on trying to achieve that real happiness. I was tired of it all, tired of failing, tired of being let down and was willing to settle on mediocre.
I met somebody. He is so focused. He knows where he wants to be and what he needs to do. I admired that. I admired his determination and his very real desire to reach his dream, in turn, his happiness. I looked at him and his life and realized how mine was lacking. Even though I know that there are enormous difficulties along his path, I am jealous. He says that he is so consumed by this one thing that it hinders everything else and that he is nothing without this one thing. I might not really know or understand him, but I do disagree with this. In the short time that I have known him, he has shown kindness, generosity, sympathy, thoughtfulness and a depth of caring that goes beyond most people. This simply amazes me.
It's been a long time since I have felt this way; felt something so deeply that it touches my heart and literally makes my heart ache. At the same time, I am glad to feel this, to know that I haven't forgotten how to love.
I love all the little things. I love that when he grabs my hand, his is always warm. I love the way he calls me 'baby' with affection in his voice. I love that he notices when I'm feeling down or stressed and does everything he can to make me smile. I love that being with him makes me feel like everything will work out in the end. I love the way he touches and holds my face when he kisses me. I love how he hugs me like he doesn't want to let go. I love the way he touches my skin like it is the softest he has ever beheld. I love how he always smells my hair when we embrace. I love how he always kisses me hello. I love that he always opens the car door for me. I love that he wants to be with me, even if we're both doing our own thing. I love waking up next to him; even better, I love waking up in his arms. I love seeing his name on my cell phone when it rings. I love that he tips everywhere he goes. I love the fact that he is a hopeless romantic. I love how he is comfortable being a dork with me. I love his passion. I love that he is interested in learning more about the things I enjoy. I love how he compliments me. I love the way he color coordinates his outfits, all the way down to the shoes. I love that he notices and appreciates the things I do for him. I love that he is sentimental. I love how he always checks to see if I'm doing okay. I love that he cares about me enough to never make me false promises or tell me false sentiments. I love that he notices what I'm wearing. I love that he'll light candles and play music for me. I love how we steal kisses in the elevator. I love that he pitches me ideas and asks for my opinion. I love it when he takes my hand when we cross the street. I love that he waits for me to watch television shows that are considered "ours." I love the way he leaves me messages on my voicemail like he is actually talking to me. I love hearing his voice before I go to sleep. I love the way he looks at me. I love that he is silly. I love how he asks me about my day. I love how he observes everything going on around him. I love how he is able to give me advice not as someone I'm dating, but as an observer. I love how he thinks I'm beautiful and will tell me so. I love seeing him for the first time each day. I love that he wants to be there for me. I love that he doesn't shy away from my sappiness. I love his honesty. Most of all, I love feeling the way I do for him and to truly mean it when I tell him that I am his.
I met somebody. He is so focused. He knows where he wants to be and what he needs to do. I admired that. I admired his determination and his very real desire to reach his dream, in turn, his happiness. I looked at him and his life and realized how mine was lacking. Even though I know that there are enormous difficulties along his path, I am jealous. He says that he is so consumed by this one thing that it hinders everything else and that he is nothing without this one thing. I might not really know or understand him, but I do disagree with this. In the short time that I have known him, he has shown kindness, generosity, sympathy, thoughtfulness and a depth of caring that goes beyond most people. This simply amazes me.
It's been a long time since I have felt this way; felt something so deeply that it touches my heart and literally makes my heart ache. At the same time, I am glad to feel this, to know that I haven't forgotten how to love.
I love all the little things. I love that when he grabs my hand, his is always warm. I love the way he calls me 'baby' with affection in his voice. I love that he notices when I'm feeling down or stressed and does everything he can to make me smile. I love that being with him makes me feel like everything will work out in the end. I love the way he touches and holds my face when he kisses me. I love how he hugs me like he doesn't want to let go. I love the way he touches my skin like it is the softest he has ever beheld. I love how he always smells my hair when we embrace. I love how he always kisses me hello. I love that he always opens the car door for me. I love that he wants to be with me, even if we're both doing our own thing. I love waking up next to him; even better, I love waking up in his arms. I love seeing his name on my cell phone when it rings. I love that he tips everywhere he goes. I love the fact that he is a hopeless romantic. I love how he is comfortable being a dork with me. I love his passion. I love that he is interested in learning more about the things I enjoy. I love how he compliments me. I love the way he color coordinates his outfits, all the way down to the shoes. I love that he notices and appreciates the things I do for him. I love that he is sentimental. I love how he always checks to see if I'm doing okay. I love that he cares about me enough to never make me false promises or tell me false sentiments. I love that he notices what I'm wearing. I love that he'll light candles and play music for me. I love how we steal kisses in the elevator. I love that he pitches me ideas and asks for my opinion. I love it when he takes my hand when we cross the street. I love that he waits for me to watch television shows that are considered "ours." I love the way he leaves me messages on my voicemail like he is actually talking to me. I love hearing his voice before I go to sleep. I love the way he looks at me. I love that he is silly. I love how he asks me about my day. I love how he observes everything going on around him. I love how he is able to give me advice not as someone I'm dating, but as an observer. I love how he thinks I'm beautiful and will tell me so. I love seeing him for the first time each day. I love that he wants to be there for me. I love that he doesn't shy away from my sappiness. I love his honesty. Most of all, I love feeling the way I do for him and to truly mean it when I tell him that I am his.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
I have been obsessed with anime lately. It's like I went on a total anime binge, but it's lasting longer than is normal; it's extending into a third series.
I'm currently watching NANA. I think this might be the best one yet. THIS is how drama is done. The manga creator, Ai Yazawa, is pure genius. It's a story about two girls who happen to meet on a train to Tokyo. Although they share the same name (Nana), they are as different as night and day. Nana Osaki is the lead vocalist in a punk band on her way to earn her fame in Tokyo. Nana Komatsu is the girly-girl from next door who is looking for love and happiness. Circumstances cause the two to start renting an apartment together. The series chronicles their lives, development of friendship, love, and individualism.
While the other series I have been watching have been all about cute, innocent, first loves of kids in high school, this one is more about the characters blossoming into adulthood and maturity. There is a scene where Hachi (as Nana Komatsu is nicknamed) realizes that loving someone is not about looking out for oneself and only concerning yourself of your own feelings: it is, in fact, about compromise and looking out for the other person's, as well as the couple's, best interest. I think this is a huge step for anyone to take. I admit that I did spend a lot of time in several different relationships concentrating on how happy or how sad so-and-so made me. I was always missing the point -- "how happy was I making him?" It was always about me.
I'm currently watching NANA. I think this might be the best one yet. THIS is how drama is done. The manga creator, Ai Yazawa, is pure genius. It's a story about two girls who happen to meet on a train to Tokyo. Although they share the same name (Nana), they are as different as night and day. Nana Osaki is the lead vocalist in a punk band on her way to earn her fame in Tokyo. Nana Komatsu is the girly-girl from next door who is looking for love and happiness. Circumstances cause the two to start renting an apartment together. The series chronicles their lives, development of friendship, love, and individualism.
While the other series I have been watching have been all about cute, innocent, first loves of kids in high school, this one is more about the characters blossoming into adulthood and maturity. There is a scene where Hachi (as Nana Komatsu is nicknamed) realizes that loving someone is not about looking out for oneself and only concerning yourself of your own feelings: it is, in fact, about compromise and looking out for the other person's, as well as the couple's, best interest. I think this is a huge step for anyone to take. I admit that I did spend a lot of time in several different relationships concentrating on how happy or how sad so-and-so made me. I was always missing the point -- "how happy was I making him?" It was always about me.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
I admit it. I spent the entire day watching anime. I called in sick (but I am really sick!) and watched Bokura ga Ita all day. Yeah yeah. I'm a dork. Don't I know it?
Everything went as I suspected, although I am quite satisfied with the ending (of the anime). It was very open ended and really left me with a light of hope. I was bawling by the end. I am moved to tears so easily. It's been quite awhile since I last felt this sort of connection to anything, especially an anime. I truly believe that the portrayal of first love, innocence, and goodbyes are exemplified in this series. I could sympathize with their emotions because I was once there. I could once again go back to those days and remember what it felt like. After every episode, I was able to reflect back to a moment or a phrase that reminded me of my own past. It was really touching. They say that innocence lost can never be regained, but through this anime, I was really able to go back and relive those moments. That was the beauty of it all.
Everything went as I suspected, although I am quite satisfied with the ending (of the anime). It was very open ended and really left me with a light of hope. I was bawling by the end. I am moved to tears so easily. It's been quite awhile since I last felt this sort of connection to anything, especially an anime. I truly believe that the portrayal of first love, innocence, and goodbyes are exemplified in this series. I could sympathize with their emotions because I was once there. I could once again go back to those days and remember what it felt like. After every episode, I was able to reflect back to a moment or a phrase that reminded me of my own past. It was really touching. They say that innocence lost can never be regained, but through this anime, I was really able to go back and relive those moments. That was the beauty of it all.
Monday, July 16, 2007
It's been quite a long time. I was watching some anime series and I suddenly had the urge to post.
First off, I've been watching a series called Lovely Complex. This series is about a couple of teenagers in high school. The heroine (Koizumi Risa) is unusually tall while the hero (Otani Atsushi) is unusually short. After a series of events where the two find themselves to have a lot in common, Koizumi falls head over heels for Otani. Otani does not feel the same way about Koizumi (or maybe he's just confused) because he has only ever seen her as a friend. The episodes continue with comedic, laugh-out-loud scenes, but in the end, gives a the viewer a heart-wrenching look into a lovesick school girl that cannot reach the object of her desires. The teenage heartache and angst is superbly written and portrayed; I find myself sympathetic and often in tears. Mind you, I am quite easily driven to tears.
Secondly, I've also been watching another series entitled Bokura ga Ita (We Were There). It's another high school series about teenagers making their way through life, romance, and self-evaluation. Again, this centers around a relationship between the two main characters. What intrigues me about this series is the progression of the relationship. It starts off as a one-sided interest and slowly builds the relationship from there. I haven't gone far into the series yet (into about episode 5) so the couple are still in the beginnings of their relationship. I have found this to be sweetly innocent and a beautiful understanding of what it is like to be in those first days of teenage love. From what I understand, the series will continue to chronicle the relationship, fights, drama, and all. I have high hopes that it will continue on a realistic depiction of "first love;" I do feel, though, that if it does continue this way, that I will need to steel myself to a "not so happy ending" for the couple. As much as I am a hopeless romantic and would like to see them have their happily ever after, I do not believe that it will fit in with the message of the show.
I find myself drawn to these shows. I feel myself wanting to experience it all again: the innocence of first love, of feeling your heart skip a beat, and all those silly antics of gaining the attention and affection of the one you're pining for.
There is this scene in Bokura ga Ita where the couple go on their first date to the movies. The boy asks the girl if he can rest his arm on the armrest separating the two. She agrees. Then he tells her that she can also rest her arm if she likes. She seems confused and agrees, although in her mind, she's thinking, "Where would I do that?" Partially through the movie, the boy starts to flex his fingers on the armrest. She notices and he replies, "Oh.. just some finger exercises." She then notices that he has left half the armrest for her to put her arm down. She does and they hold hands for the rest of the movie. It's all just so innocently sweet that I can't help but to smile.
There is another scene in Lovely Complex where the girl visits the boy at his home because he missed school due to an illness. The girl has already told the boy that she likes him, but he does not return that feeling. He tries to explain this to her and uses the current situation at hand to be an example; he tells her that they are alone in his room and that he doesn't feel anything regarding the situation. If he truly was attracted to her, he would certainly feel something, wouldn't he? Nervous? Excited? Anything? She leans in quite close to him and tells him that she is trying her best and wonders if that will ever be good enough. She asks him if it will ever be good enough. It's such a vulnerable moment that I feel this wrenching, heart-stopping pause as I wait with her for some sort of answer. Meanwhile, I've got tears streaming down my face as I empathize with her situation.
Maybe I'm a softie. Maybe I'm a sucker for pain. Who knows? It just reminds me so much of high school drama, first love, and painful goodbyes. Even though these situations are not necessarily the same as I have experienced, the same emotions are there. I am glad I am still able to empathize. I would be more worried if the tears didn't come because it would mean that I didn't understand anymore, that I could no longer feel those emotions.
First off, I've been watching a series called Lovely Complex. This series is about a couple of teenagers in high school. The heroine (Koizumi Risa) is unusually tall while the hero (Otani Atsushi) is unusually short. After a series of events where the two find themselves to have a lot in common, Koizumi falls head over heels for Otani. Otani does not feel the same way about Koizumi (or maybe he's just confused) because he has only ever seen her as a friend. The episodes continue with comedic, laugh-out-loud scenes, but in the end, gives a the viewer a heart-wrenching look into a lovesick school girl that cannot reach the object of her desires. The teenage heartache and angst is superbly written and portrayed; I find myself sympathetic and often in tears. Mind you, I am quite easily driven to tears.
Secondly, I've also been watching another series entitled Bokura ga Ita (We Were There). It's another high school series about teenagers making their way through life, romance, and self-evaluation. Again, this centers around a relationship between the two main characters. What intrigues me about this series is the progression of the relationship. It starts off as a one-sided interest and slowly builds the relationship from there. I haven't gone far into the series yet (into about episode 5) so the couple are still in the beginnings of their relationship. I have found this to be sweetly innocent and a beautiful understanding of what it is like to be in those first days of teenage love. From what I understand, the series will continue to chronicle the relationship, fights, drama, and all. I have high hopes that it will continue on a realistic depiction of "first love;" I do feel, though, that if it does continue this way, that I will need to steel myself to a "not so happy ending" for the couple. As much as I am a hopeless romantic and would like to see them have their happily ever after, I do not believe that it will fit in with the message of the show.
I find myself drawn to these shows. I feel myself wanting to experience it all again: the innocence of first love, of feeling your heart skip a beat, and all those silly antics of gaining the attention and affection of the one you're pining for.
There is this scene in Bokura ga Ita where the couple go on their first date to the movies. The boy asks the girl if he can rest his arm on the armrest separating the two. She agrees. Then he tells her that she can also rest her arm if she likes. She seems confused and agrees, although in her mind, she's thinking, "Where would I do that?" Partially through the movie, the boy starts to flex his fingers on the armrest. She notices and he replies, "Oh.. just some finger exercises." She then notices that he has left half the armrest for her to put her arm down. She does and they hold hands for the rest of the movie. It's all just so innocently sweet that I can't help but to smile.
There is another scene in Lovely Complex where the girl visits the boy at his home because he missed school due to an illness. The girl has already told the boy that she likes him, but he does not return that feeling. He tries to explain this to her and uses the current situation at hand to be an example; he tells her that they are alone in his room and that he doesn't feel anything regarding the situation. If he truly was attracted to her, he would certainly feel something, wouldn't he? Nervous? Excited? Anything? She leans in quite close to him and tells him that she is trying her best and wonders if that will ever be good enough. She asks him if it will ever be good enough. It's such a vulnerable moment that I feel this wrenching, heart-stopping pause as I wait with her for some sort of answer. Meanwhile, I've got tears streaming down my face as I empathize with her situation.
Maybe I'm a softie. Maybe I'm a sucker for pain. Who knows? It just reminds me so much of high school drama, first love, and painful goodbyes. Even though these situations are not necessarily the same as I have experienced, the same emotions are there. I am glad I am still able to empathize. I would be more worried if the tears didn't come because it would mean that I didn't understand anymore, that I could no longer feel those emotions.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
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