I had originally written this blog post for Laugh Factory, but the owner didn't want me blogging because I "don't know anything about comedy." Well, those weren't his exact words, but it was implied. So here it is (and I think it's actually quite amusing).

*-------------------------------------------------*

About one year ago (at a similar coffee shop as the one I currently find myself), I took a long look at myself and thought:

Is this really my life?
As my fellow blogger, Bill Dawes, has previously stated, following the antics of my everyday life will likely make you slightly more satisfied with your own.

Last June, I packed my bags, quit my job as a Technical Business Analyst at a prestigious Asset Management firm in San Francisco, and moved to the glossy, glittery, glitzy city of Los Angeles. Never mind that I was born and raised in Los Angeles for the first 17 years of my life... this was a new beginning!

I quickly became drawn to all the celebrities that are so easily accessible in Los Angeles.
I took an unpaid internship at an entertainment PR firm where I had essential and meaningful responsibilities such as getting coffee, transcribing voice recorded notes, and filling gift bags to be distributed at charity events. This was hardly the type of work I felt a college educated woman, such as myself, should lower herself to doing. Again, my thoughts led to:

Is this REALLY my life?
Discouraged and nearly broke, I retreated with my tail between my legs. I took a job doing the tech work I was trained in, the very cause of my misery and sense of futility that I had suffered for the last seven years of my life. BUT, at least I still had my pride and dignity.

So here's the thing, people. Listen up. This is very important.

WHEN YOU ARE MISERABLE, YOU ARE UNHAPPY.
I learned this pearl of wisdom from a very wise sage, also known as my astrological forecast. I often wonder what might have been had I not been born a Libra. Soon after, I was "discovered", Hollywood style, at a charity event held at Laugh Factory. Subsequently, I joined the trendiest gym in town, got the "Rihanna/Posh" haircut, bought a pair of Christian Louboutin heels, had a hot one night stand with "What's-His-Name" from "That One Commercial", and injected botox into my unfashionably unplump lips... I'm kidding! I use Lip Venom to pump up my pout.

Now as I look around this cafe, I no longer see doom and gloom. Instead, I see a beautiful, anorexic Russian model ordering water with Splenda, six people working on their screenplays, a couple of self-important suits talking on their bluetooths, and a man with the words "Los Angeles" tattooed on his left bicep. I take a deep breath of the smog-filled air and I think to myself:

Now, THIS is my life.

I recently participated in an interesting conversation regarding relationships and love with Comedian/Writer/Director/"Entertainment Superstar" Neal Brennan. For those of you that don't know, he co-wrote Half Baked, co-wrote Chappelle's Show and directed The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard starring Jeremy Piven and Will Ferrell that will be released August 14th. Yes, that's a shameless promotion for him; now that it's taken care of, onwards to the meat of this post.

During a very slow Tuesday night performance, Neal and I sat at the back of the club chatting about Godknowswhat. For no apparent reason, our conversation drifted towards his "love life." I commented to him about the hot girl I saw him escorting a few weeks prior. "Did she have dark hair or light hair? I'm doing quite well for myself," he said. Clearly.

"Come on, Neal. I can understand wanting to go around screwing every hot girl you can get, but don't you think one day, like when you're 70, you'll just want somebody to hold your hand?"

"I'll figure something out when it gets to that point. I'll still be rich."

*rolling my eyes* "Don't you want to be in love? Feel a connection?"

"There's no such thing as unconditional love. Of COURSE there's no such thing as unconditional love. You love somebody because they do something for you, make you feel a certain way about yourself. If circumstances were to change, you wouldn't love them anymore."

"You're a cynic! Sorry, Neal. I believe in love, destiny, the stars... I'm a romantic."

"How many happy couples do you know? I don't know any! Every married couple that I know, the man is miserable and the woman is waiting for the man to not be miserable."

"I do know a happy couple - my aunt and uncle. They still go for walks on the beach, he still buys her nice gifts to make her smile, and he says that the best part of his day is coming home from work because he gets to see her again. Of course, they happen to be the only couple I know that is like this."

"Exactly. I'm not saying it doesn't exist, but they are the exception, not the rule."

(Gee, that line sounds vaguely familiar. Oh, right! From He' Just Not That Into You noting that fairy tales/romantic comedies are not the rule).

(Neal continuing) "People are like gorillas. You ever watch gorillas? The male gorillas hang out in a group over here and the female gorillas and baby gorillas hang out in a group over there. The males and females meet up to have sex and have more baby gorillas and then they go back to their respective groups. The male gorillas otherwise couldn't care less about the females or even the babies! That's what men are like."

(By now, I'm speechless and I don't have a response).

(Neal continuing) "The problem with women is that they become too attached and needy."

"Well, aren't you making it clear to them that you aren't looking for anything?"

"Of course! But they do this anyway. For example, I'm going to Vegas this week for a show. This girl I've been seeing calls me to ask me a bunch of questions about it. 'When are you going? Can I meet up with you?' No, bitch. Why? Because I'll be meeting up with some other girl!"

"Oh geez. Really, you don't ever find yourself lonely and just wanting to be with somebody?"

"Who has the time? I have about half an hour a day where I'm not working on writing, doing stand-up, or whatever. I have an insane amount of stuff recorded on my DVR that I'd rather be watching. If I were in a relationship, the girl would only be neglected because I just don't have the time. No, relationships aren't for me."

(Gee, this also sounds vaguely familiar. Oh, right. Another lame excuse from a guy who is "too focused" on his career to be in a relationship. Haven't I heard this before?)

But I decided to share some new found wisdom I garnered from having a discussion with a group of 4 guys, 3 of which are comedians. "I was recently told that the magic number is 3. The third time you sleep with a woman, she will become emotionally attached. You don't want a relationship? You don't want to break any hearts? You don't want to deal with the annoyance of a "needy female"? Keep the dalliances to 2 per woman."

Neal is silent and thinking for a second and suddenly says, "Yeah... 3 sounds about right!"

Have I imparted forbidden knowledge to the devil? I'm sure he would have eventually figured it out for himself. At least I've prevented some broken hearts, right?

Even though I disagree with Neal, I still find him highly entertaining and incredibly fun to be around. Besides, he told me that he thinks I'll be an "exception." "Oh, Tammy. I don't mean YOU. You'll definitely find love." Even I didn't believe him.

One more shameless promotion for him. Please go see Neal Brennan's directorial debut: "The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard" in theaters August 14th.

The very talented, very funny W. Kamau Bell is featured in SF Weekly! He's effin' hilarious and San Francisco is lucky to have him grace its stages.


Also check out his website.

"One more thing, don't ever forget that you are wonderful and deserve the best and if someone can't see that, don't waste your time. Keep it moving."

The last line in an email to me from an extraordinary person, comedian, and friend.

I sometimes forget about how the important people in my life view me and spend too much time focusing on what strangers think of me. I cast it aside because I think that my friends are "obligated" to say nice things about me because we are close. In reality, we are close because they actually believe those nice things about me.

So, thank you, for everyone that sees the good in me.

Last night, I went to hang out at Laugh Factory, only because I had nothing else to do. Well, let's be honest here. I really went because I wanted to see Godfrey, who was on the scheduled lineup. So I put on a sweater dress, leggings, and my fuck me boots. Come on, ladies, you know you have a pair in the closet as well.

In any case, Godfrey didn't end up making it to the show, but I did have an interesting encounter with another comedian, Bill Dawes. Upon seeing me, he says, "Tammy, you are one sexy bitch." Quickly followed by, "Well, I don't know about the bitch part... But you have a good sense of fashion."

Here's my question: Does a female need to be a bitch to be considered sexy? How did the phrase "sexy bitch" come to be the default as opposed to say, "Girl, you're sexy." Why must it be, "Girl, you're a sexy bitch"?

All over pop culture, the term "sexy", when referring to a woman, is also followed by the word "bitch". Let's look at the definition in Urban Dictionary:

Sexy bitch
Strong, independent, sexy, attractive woman who knows what she wants and how to get it.
Used by men, 'Sexy bitch' is not a derogatory term. A man who uses it is admitting that he is sexually attracted but probably not good enough for her; that he would feel vulnerable in her presence because he won't be able to control her. So there may be a tinge of resentment, especially when used by a woman to describe another because she cannot compete.

And we all know that men are attracted to bitches. So which is the qualifier? If you are a bitch, does that automatically make you sexy? Or is it if you are sexy, are you, therefore, a bitch?

Regardless, I didn't take offense to it, but that may be because I find Bill cute.

Today, I did something completely out of character and wildly astounding: I went to see a movie, at a theater, BY MYSELF. Shocking, isn't it?

A few months ago, I decided that if I was really going to do the "single" thing and be the independent woman I struggle to be, then I needed to suck it up and be able to go to the theater alone. For months, I've been putting it off with one excuse or another. But no more! This morning, I ventured into the unknown.

The result? I LOVED IT.

Granted, I did go see the first showing of Duplicity (Julia Roberts, Clive Owen) at 10:15am to the overwhelming crowd in the theater of three people, so there was very little embarrassment on my part involved. And since I had no intention of impressing anyone in the early hours of a sleepy Easter Sunday morning, I went in lounge pants and glasses. The best part, matinee priced tickets at $6! You've read that correctly - $6! You really can't beat that.

I've decided to make a routine out of it. Every Sunday morning (movies currently playing permitted), I will venture out to the local cinema and partake in the first showing of a movie... ALONE. I highly recommend it.

I met up with Cindy at Coffee Bean on Sunday afternoon. While we sat around discussing my love life (or lack thereof), the guy at the table next to us approaches us about joining his church. See how it all goes down via XtraNormal.

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." - Romans 7:15

Does this mean that you don't know what it is that you want or is it simple conflict between heart and mind?

One of the things that I miss most about San Francisco is people watching on a random weekday afternoon. Even though I worked in the Financial District, there were all sorts of people walking about on a typical afternoon. There certainly never lacked a certain number of "crazies." There was always someone or something interesting happening.

Here in LA, I seem to see only the stereotypes hanging out in the cafes on a normal afternoon. Let's take the Coffee Bean next to my office as an example. I went in today for a late afternoon coffee break and decided to sit for a spell, admiring the clear, beautiful day. When I looked around, I saw five people working on screenplays on their laptops, three beautiful women with mini dogs in their lap/bags, two surfer guys, and a few agent/manager types in suits. To top it all off, a model in work out gear goes into the cafe, orders a water, proceeds to add a pack of Splenda to the water, and continues on her run. She looked like she hadn't eaten in months. Despite that, she was gorgeous, not unlike half the women sitting around the cafe.

I proceeded to observe as one of the agent/manager suits got into an argument with one of the laptop screenwriters

"You took our table! Didn't you see this woman's mini dog leashed to this table? We were saving it!"

"Fuck off. There's a table over there."

"You're a rude asshole. Go to hell."

"And you're a fat prick."

"Look who's talking."

"Look at you - you look like you'll explode any minute."

And so it went on for another five minutes. Then I watched as the beautiful womens' dogs decided to play with each other while the men in the cafe were mesmerized by the beautiful womens' laughter at the dogs' antics.

Then I had to leave because I couldn't handle it. It was just too much.

Yesterday, I was told by my mother that at 25, I am too old to be out late every night having fun. It is time that I settle down and find a "reliable man" to share my life with; it is time that I stop chasing "cute boys" because I am too old to be playing those games. She said that I should lower my standards, trash those silly romantic notions, and just find a man who can support me financially because I shouldn't and COULDN'T do it alone.

I related this to my recent trip to the movies with some girlfriends. We went to see what we all deem to be a "chick flick": Bride Wars. To no surprise, the theater was overflowing with groups of women gathering together to watch this film on opening night, even selling out at several showings. Amongst the women, I heard an endless amount of gossiping, giggling, and "girl talk," mostly consisting of, "Who needs men anyway, girls?!" To this, I silently nodded and agreed, "I don't need a man!" Somewhere towards the end of the movie, I realized I was surrounded by females dabbing at the corner of their eyes, some even had tears streaming down their faces. What is it about these silly romantic comedies that get to the fairer sex? I will admit to having cried during many of these types of films; yeah, I'm a sucker.

I walked out of the theater that night feeling more hopeless than ever. "Will I ever find that 'happily ever after'?" This night of supposed female empowerment turned quite the opposite. What was to be expected? We went to see a romantic comedy about weddings. Who in their right minds would believe that this night to the movies would make for a great single girls' night out? If anything, it only serves to highlight the things you secretly desire the most yet could not even hope to have because it goes against the institution of "Girl Power." I am an independent woman; I don't need romance, a man, or a wedding! I scoff at those females who need a man to complete their lives! Oh, please.

I am really as independent as they get. I don't need that "reliable man" to provide for me as my mother so aptly puts it. It's taken me quite a long time to realize and envision such things, but I am finally able to see my life without a man. I actually do believe that I can be quite content and comfortable with a life on my own, seeing to my own needs and desires. But I want MORE. I want to wake up next to a man every morning and know that I could be fine on my own, but feel a depth of love for him that makes me more than "just fine"... it completes me.

Inspiration.

It's the sun rising in the East.
It's the sun setting in the West.

It's the morning dew on a blade of grass.
It's the crisp evening chill against your face.

It's the one that "got away."
It's the one you wake up with in the morning.

It's the aroma of coffee roasting when you wake.
It's the warmth of a blanket around you while you sleep.

It's everything you are.
It's everything you are not.

On this day, I am proud to be an American and to be a part of a historic occasion in abolishing hatred and inequality. In record numbers, people rushed to the polls and elected our first African-American president in a landslide victory, proving that above all, we the people of the United States are putting our hope for change in a man based on something valid and real as opposed to the color of his skin.

Today, I smile for the long and difficult journey we have taken to reach this momentous occasion in realizing the Truth in "All Men Are Created Equal."

The journey, however, does not end here; there are still many obstacles we have yet to overcome.

Today, I weep for the continued bigotry decided by the Californian people.

While we have made leaps and bounds in Civil Rights and Women's Lib, we have yet to extend that same courtesy to the Gay Community. The passage of California Proposition 8 not only amends our Constitution to ban gay marriages, it stands to promote unfairness and inequality among the people.

Not so long ago, anti-miscegenation laws were in effect in the United States, banning interracial marriages. The Supreme Court voted these laws as unconstitutional in 1967 and were henceforth abolished. Nonetheless, it took South Carolina until 1998 and Alabama until 2000 to officially amend their respective states' constitution to validate this ruling. Even in this modern age, there are still testaments of discrimination toward interracial couples, to which I can personally attest to.

In passing California Proposition 8, we are again allowing the state to dictate the difference and separation of people. I am disgusted and ashamed to be a part of this occasion in which we knowingly and decidingly CHOOSE to discriminate, flaunt ignorance, and demonstrate bigotry.

I hope to see the day that there is true equality. Today is not that day. Tomorrow is a new day that we can put our faith in hope, change, and "Yes, we can!"

Please sign the petition to re-open Prop 8.

I stole this from Stacey, but she wouldn't mind. I wanted to share the message.

---------------------------

One day a small opening appeared on a cocoon, a man sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force it's body through that little opening. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no further.

So the man decided to help the butterfly, he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.

Neither happened.

In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of it's life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly. What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand, was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the opening, were God's way of forcing the fluid from the body of the butterfly into it's wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved it's freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If God allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as we could have been. We could never fly.

I asked for strength...
And God gave me Difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for wisdom...
And God gave me problems to solve.

I asked for Prosperity...
And God gave me Brain and Brawn to work.

I asked for Courage...
And God gave me Danger to overcome.

I asked for Love...
And God gave me Troubled people to help.

I asked for Favors...
And God gave me opportunities.

I received nothing I wanted.
I received everything I needed.

According to my good friend, here are the qualities I need to look for in a guy:

Holds a stable job making more than 150K a year.
Apparently, I am a spoiled brat and I need a guy that can spoil me. I don't know about that. I don't expect a guy to buy me the expensive shoes, purses, etc. That's why I have my own job -- so I can buy the stuff I want for myself.

Is devoted to Tammy... and only Tammy.
Well, sure, who doesn't want a significant other who is devoted to them? Only I don't want to be smothered (think Johnson *shudder*). Sorry. Kind of need a guy who is also passionate about bettering themselves be it through career or hobbies.

No drama in his life (i.e. stable family background and grounded).
This one I get. I have enough drama in my life as it is. At the same time, it's kind of hard (and boring) to have someone with no drama.

Preferably Asian (concession to my parents).
Ha ha ha ha ha.

Smart, graduate degree preferred.
I don't base intelligence by degrees. Sure looks nice on paper, though.

Likes dogs.
Agreed.

Drives a nice car and willing to share in a yuppie lifestyle.
We can fix the car thing later. =P As for being a yuppie, I never really thought of myself as such but when I REALLY think about it, I suppose I am.

Age compatibility: plus 7, minus 2 only. (Ages 22-31)
Whatever. Age is just a number. As long as he's not old enough to be my father or too young to drink legally. *shudder*

Height -- must be taller. Tall enough that I have to tiptoe to kiss him, but not so tall that I have to stand on a chair to kiss him.
Yes, must be taller. Not sure I agree with the rest of it. As long as I can wear heels and still be shorter, I'm good.

Loves sports, preferably Cal.
I can fix this, too.

Someone who is tough at work, but a puppy at home with me.
I don't get this one at all, so if anyone could explain it to me, it would be much appreciated.

On discussing a guy that is "kinda" interested in me:

TJ: But if you change your ways and become a docile, nice lady... he is definitely interested.
TH: DOCILE?!

What am I? Some sort of animal??

I am ashamed (not really, actually) to admit that I love Danity Kane's new single Damaged. I think it has a great, catchy beat and who hasn't related to these lyrics at some point?

Do, Do you got a first aid kit handy?
Do, do you know how to patch up a wound, tell me
Are, are, are you, are you patient, understanding?
'Cause I might need some time to clear the hole in my heart and I
I tried every remedy and nothing seems to work for me

Damaged, Damaged, Damaged, Damaged
I thought that I should let you know
That my heart is
Damaged, Damaged, so damaged, so damaged
And you can blame the one before

So how you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it? [baby, I gotta know]

I think I've come up with a solution on how to "fix it." Check it out:

Sadly, my iPod passed away this morning. It lived a long, healthy 4 years. A moment of silence, please.

I was at the gym this morning about half way through my work out and suddenly, my iPod stops working. It just freezes up. There is an older man on the elliptical machine next to me who is breathing quite heavily, so I am quite anxious to have my iPod fixed so I can drown him out. Unfortunately for me, there is nothing that I could do to fix it.

You know how your iPod shows the Apple icon when you restart your iPod? Well, it did that. Then, instead of proceeding on to show me my menu, I get this:

Yep. My iPod had just informed me that it had died. Look at the Xs for eyes!

Even in my sadness over losing such a close friend, I can't help but be amused by this icon. I was told by my iPod quite bluntly that it was dead.

I was attacked by a crazy lady while crossing Market on Davis today.

So DJ and I were walking back to the office from a trip to the grocery store (yes, in the middle of the work day -- don't judge me) and I was telling him about thoughts of what I would do if I moved back down to LA.

"So if I moved back down and pursued the job that I actually want, I know that I'd have to start all over -- maybe as an intern or assistant. That pretty much means I won't be paid, so I would really have to consider moving into my parents' house. But just thinking about it makes my head want to explode!"

While I am talking, I notice a crazy looking (whatever that may look like, you can only imagine), rather large Asian lady crossing the street going in the opposite direction as us. Just as she passes by me, I am just completing my sentence: "...it makes my head want to explode!" She KICKS my leg and then proceeds to spat out, "Bitch!"

At first, I am just slightly stunned. What did I say to offend this woman? What did I do? Then I turn to DJ, "That woman just attacked me!" DJ responds, "What?? What just happened?" I can't believe he missed it! But then we just start laughing hysterically. I mean, it didn't really hurt, I was more surprised than anything else.

Of course, we are trying to logically reason this out. What did this woman have against me? DJ: "Well, if she was rather large, maybe she thought you were saying that SHE was going to explode. Or maybe she was just jealous because you're skinny." Hmm... or maybe she was just crazy! Whatever the case is, it certainly was an interesting... uhm... diversion? As long as this doesn't leave a bruise, I will continue to find it a rather amusing incident.

Oh, San Francisco. You are full of surprises.

I went to see a palm reader yesterday. I was walking back to the office from Coffee Bean and saw a sign for a palm reading. For whatever reason, I felt the need to go in and check it out. Unfortunately, I was already running late to a meeting as it was, so I decided I would go back in the afternoon. I probably should have discarded the thought of going back; it's one of those things that I should've done on impulse as opposed to planning a visit.

What she told me:

I will live a long life.
Ugh. I hope not. After seeing my grandparents deteriorate in such a way at an old age, I just don't think I could handle it. Aging is such a horrible disease. How about we find a cure for that?!

I am a happy person and show my smile a lot. Although I do not reflect this on the inside.
Great. Apparently, I "fake smile" a lot. Just like that one day a couple of weeks ago when it suddenly started to rain like crazy while I was taking a walk. As I said then, "Thanks, God. Why not let it rain? It'll match how I feel on the inside!"

I am a kind and giving person, a good person... BUT I won't get many favors in return in my life.
Wait. What? You mean I'll just keep giving and giving and GIVING, but I won't get anything back in return?! Crap! And here I thought that my kind and generous nature would eventually take me some place! So much for that plan.

In the last four months, I have been searching for a happiness that didn't turn out as I wanted.
The only thing she said that I thought, "Wow! That's spot on!"

I haven't met my soulmate.
No joke. If I had, wouldn't I be with him right now? Actually, I suppose this is better news. It would be worse if I had already met my soulmate and am still completely oblivious to who it is.

My heart is in mourning and grieving.
Well duh. You just said that I hadn't found the happiness I was searching for.

My career, in terms of financials and success, will remain fairly static for about a year. After a year, I will have new opportunities and be in control of my career.
Damn. Does that mean I don't have control right now? Eh. I suppose I can at least be grateful that I'll be financially stable for the next year.

There is a dark cloud over my aura.
What the hell does that mean? Like a rain cloud? Is it raining on my aura? Can I perform dark magic with this dark cloud?

There are two people in my life that are jealous of me and preventing me from finding my happiness.
Uhm... really? Jealous? Of me? Hah! That's pretty funny.

I can help you remove the dark cloud over your aura. I can also provide you with the names of the two people that are jealous of you. I have these special candles. There are nine of them and they burn for ninety days. By providing your full name and birthday and my special abilities, I will be able to do this for you. I do not charge for my services for this, but I do charge for the candles. They cost $280.
$280?! You've got to be joking! What kind of candles are these?! Now if they were those cool Babylon candles from Stardust that will transport you anywhere you want to be with just a thought... well then, hey, I'm on board! But now I'm curious as to whose names will be revealed by these candles. Will it be John and Steve? Or Mike and Christine? *Rolling my eyes* Or, I suppose, she could just Google me -- after all, it does take ninety days for those candles to burn.

Some words of wisdom from two wise friends --

In reference to stalking a MySpace page as opposed to calling someone:
"[It's] better [to be] creepy than heartbroken and desperate with awkward interaction." -ST

"Don't let stupid boys break your heart."-HN

So I am setting some short term goals and deadlines for myself:

03.17.08 - 04.17.08
Vegetarian month
I haven't done it yet this year and I figured it was a good month because I'm already eating very little based on my mood. It feels good, though.

05.17.08
Move decision
I needed to give myself two months to make this decision. I just want to make sure that I want to move for the right reasons -- for me.

08.01.08
Size 0-2, 115 lbs.
I want to look damn good for my sister's wedding. Those photos are going to be displayed for a LONG time, so I better look good. Plus, the wedding is in LA, so I really can't slack with all the beautiful people everywhere!

03.17.08 - 09.17.08
Abstain from dating
This is going to be the toughest one. I haven't stayed single for longer than two months since high school. I just need to take time for myself and I figured six months is a good way to start. Tammy has officially taken herself off the market. We'll see how long this will last. I'll certainly try to maintain this. So, Mr. Right, should you come along before this six month period is over, I hope you will wait for me.

I feel so much better after setting these goals and deadlines. It just feels like I'm really working toward making myself a better person, understanding myself better, and finding real happiness.

I always thought I just wanted to be comfortable or content; there was no need to be REALLY happy because that would be selfish and asking for too much. I was okay with just being moderately happy. Then I started to notice all around me, people that were pursuing their dreams, looking for something more. I thought then that maybe there was something more than just being comfortable. Maybe there really was something better out there, something I could really touch. When I decided that I was fine with just being content, I had given up on trying to achieve that real happiness. I was tired of it all, tired of failing, tired of being let down and was willing to settle on mediocre.
I met somebody. He is so focused. He knows where he wants to be and what he needs to do. I admired that. I admired his determination and his very real desire to reach his dream, in turn, his happiness. I looked at him and his life and realized how mine was lacking. Even though I know that there are enormous difficulties along his path, I am jealous. He says that he is so consumed by this one thing that it hinders everything else and that he is nothing without this one thing. I might not really know or understand him, but I do disagree with this. In the short time that I have known him, he has shown kindness, generosity, sympathy, thoughtfulness and a depth of caring that goes beyond most people. This simply amazes me.
It's been a long time since I have felt this way; felt something so deeply that it touches my heart and literally makes my heart ache. At the same time, I am glad to feel this, to know that I haven't forgotten how to love.
I love all the little things. I love that when he grabs my hand, his is always warm. I love the way he calls me 'baby' with affection in his voice. I love that he notices when I'm feeling down or stressed and does everything he can to make me smile. I love that being with him makes me feel like everything will work out in the end. I love the way he touches and holds my face when he kisses me. I love how he hugs me like he doesn't want to let go. I love the way he touches my skin like it is the softest he has ever beheld. I love how he always smells my hair when we embrace. I love how he always kisses me hello. I love that he always opens the car door for me. I love that he wants to be with me, even if we're both doing our own thing. I love waking up next to him; even better, I love waking up in his arms. I love seeing his name on my cell phone when it rings. I love that he tips everywhere he goes. I love the fact that he is a hopeless romantic. I love how he is comfortable being a dork with me. I love his passion. I love that he is interested in learning more about the things I enjoy. I love how he compliments me. I love the way he color coordinates his outfits, all the way down to the shoes. I love that he notices and appreciates the things I do for him. I love that he is sentimental. I love how he always checks to see if I'm doing okay. I love that he cares about me enough to never make me false promises or tell me false sentiments. I love that he notices what I'm wearing. I love that he'll light candles and play music for me. I love how we steal kisses in the elevator. I love that he pitches me ideas and asks for my opinion. I love it when he takes my hand when we cross the street. I love that he waits for me to watch television shows that are considered "ours." I love the way he leaves me messages on my voicemail like he is actually talking to me. I love hearing his voice before I go to sleep. I love the way he looks at me. I love that he is silly. I love how he asks me about my day. I love how he observes everything going on around him. I love how he is able to give me advice not as someone I'm dating, but as an observer. I love how he thinks I'm beautiful and will tell me so. I love seeing him for the first time each day. I love that he wants to be there for me. I love that he doesn't shy away from my sappiness. I love his honesty. Most of all, I love feeling the way I do for him and to truly mean it when I tell him that I am his.

I wonder what it'll be like being single again. I guess Hsia girls never stay single for long.

I have been obsessed with anime lately. It's like I went on a total anime binge, but it's lasting longer than is normal; it's extending into a third series.
I'm currently watching NANA. I think this might be the best one yet. THIS is how drama is done. The manga creator, Ai Yazawa, is pure genius. It's a story about two girls who happen to meet on a train to Tokyo. Although they share the same name (Nana), they are as different as night and day. Nana Osaki is the lead vocalist in a punk band on her way to earn her fame in Tokyo. Nana Komatsu is the girly-girl from next door who is looking for love and happiness. Circumstances cause the two to start renting an apartment together. The series chronicles their lives, development of friendship, love, and individualism.
While the other series I have been watching have been all about cute, innocent, first loves of kids in high school, this one is more about the characters blossoming into adulthood and maturity. There is a scene where Hachi (as Nana Komatsu is nicknamed) realizes that loving someone is not about looking out for oneself and only concerning yourself of your own feelings: it is, in fact, about compromise and looking out for the other person's, as well as the couple's, best interest. I think this is a huge step for anyone to take. I admit that I did spend a lot of time in several different relationships concentrating on how happy or how sad so-and-so made me. I was always missing the point -- "how happy was I making him?" It was always about me.

I admit it. I spent the entire day watching anime. I called in sick (but I am really sick!) and watched Bokura ga Ita all day. Yeah yeah. I'm a dork. Don't I know it?
Everything went as I suspected, although I am quite satisfied with the ending (of the anime). It was very open ended and really left me with a light of hope. I was bawling by the end. I am moved to tears so easily. It's been quite awhile since I last felt this sort of connection to anything, especially an anime. I truly believe that the portrayal of first love, innocence, and goodbyes are exemplified in this series. I could sympathize with their emotions because I was once there. I could once again go back to those days and remember what it felt like. After every episode, I was able to reflect back to a moment or a phrase that reminded me of my own past. It was really touching. They say that innocence lost can never be regained, but through this anime, I was really able to go back and relive those moments. That was the beauty of it all.

It's been quite a long time. I was watching some anime series and I suddenly had the urge to post.
First off, I've been watching a series called Lovely Complex. This series is about a couple of teenagers in high school. The heroine (Koizumi Risa) is unusually tall while the hero (Otani Atsushi) is unusually short. After a series of events where the two find themselves to have a lot in common, Koizumi falls head over heels for Otani. Otani does not feel the same way about Koizumi (or maybe he's just confused) because he has only ever seen her as a friend. The episodes continue with comedic, laugh-out-loud scenes, but in the end, gives a the viewer a heart-wrenching look into a lovesick school girl that cannot reach the object of her desires. The teenage heartache and angst is superbly written and portrayed; I find myself sympathetic and often in tears. Mind you, I am quite easily driven to tears.
Secondly, I've also been watching another series entitled Bokura ga Ita (We Were There). It's another high school series about teenagers making their way through life, romance, and self-evaluation. Again, this centers around a relationship between the two main characters. What intrigues me about this series is the progression of the relationship. It starts off as a one-sided interest and slowly builds the relationship from there. I haven't gone far into the series yet (into about episode 5) so the couple are still in the beginnings of their relationship. I have found this to be sweetly innocent and a beautiful understanding of what it is like to be in those first days of teenage love. From what I understand, the series will continue to chronicle the relationship, fights, drama, and all. I have high hopes that it will continue on a realistic depiction of "first love;" I do feel, though, that if it does continue this way, that I will need to steel myself to a "not so happy ending" for the couple. As much as I am a hopeless romantic and would like to see them have their happily ever after, I do not believe that it will fit in with the message of the show.
I find myself drawn to these shows. I feel myself wanting to experience it all again: the innocence of first love, of feeling your heart skip a beat, and all those silly antics of gaining the attention and affection of the one you're pining for.
There is this scene in Bokura ga Ita where the couple go on their first date to the movies. The boy asks the girl if he can rest his arm on the armrest separating the two. She agrees. Then he tells her that she can also rest her arm if she likes. She seems confused and agrees, although in her mind, she's thinking, "Where would I do that?" Partially through the movie, the boy starts to flex his fingers on the armrest. She notices and he replies, "Oh.. just some finger exercises." She then notices that he has left half the armrest for her to put her arm down. She does and they hold hands for the rest of the movie. It's all just so innocently sweet that I can't help but to smile.
There is another scene in Lovely Complex where the girl visits the boy at his home because he missed school due to an illness. The girl has already told the boy that she likes him, but he does not return that feeling. He tries to explain this to her and uses the current situation at hand to be an example; he tells her that they are alone in his room and that he doesn't feel anything regarding the situation. If he truly was attracted to her, he would certainly feel something, wouldn't he? Nervous? Excited? Anything? She leans in quite close to him and tells him that she is trying her best and wonders if that will ever be good enough. She asks him if it will ever be good enough. It's such a vulnerable moment that I feel this wrenching, heart-stopping pause as I wait with her for some sort of answer. Meanwhile, I've got tears streaming down my face as I empathize with her situation.
Maybe I'm a softie. Maybe I'm a sucker for pain. Who knows? It just reminds me so much of high school drama, first love, and painful goodbyes. Even though these situations are not necessarily the same as I have experienced, the same emotions are there. I am glad I am still able to empathize. I would be more worried if the tears didn't come because it would mean that I didn't understand anymore, that I could no longer feel those emotions.

It's been awhile, hasn't it?
Brian and I just returned from our trip to Yosemite. It was, surprisingly, fun! We got a cabin in Wawona and stayed for 2 nights. We hiked up to Chilnualna Falls and it was *BEAUTIFUL*! Pictures to be added soon...

Hello! I just woke up from a nap! My name is Marshall. =D

At home, finally! =D

Introducing our new Alaskan Klee Kai puppy! (Still no name... any suggestions?)

I'm too cute for words.

Messing with my food.

virago \vuh-RAH-go; vuh-RAY-go\, noun:
1. A woman of extraordinary stature, strength, and courage.
2. A woman regarded as loud, scolding, ill-tempered, quarrelsome, or overbearing.
Interesting how this word can mean two completely different things. One negative meaning, one positive (and such complete opposites)! Haha. I guess it just isn't that easy to compliment a woman. =D

Newark, NJ (08.02.2005 - 08.05.2005)
Brian went on a business trip in Newark (Parsippany, to be exact), so I tagged along since our two year anniversary was that weekend. I hung out in the hotel while he was at work during the day. It was... not so entertaining. I spent most of the time watching movies on my laptop or sleeping =P We also discovered that nearly every restaurant in New Jersey sells mozzarella sticks (even McDonald's -- 4 for $1 on the dollar menu!). Even cooler, McDonald's had a 5-piece mcnugget choice on the dollar menu! Anyhow, that's about all we gathered about New Jersey. We went to White Castle, too. It was my first time there; I thought the mini burgers were SO cute! As we were on our way back to the New Jersey airport to return the rental car, we got a flat in the middle of Newark. Seriously a ghetto that compares to South Central. Brian was still in hiw work wear, so he had to change in the backseat before he could mess with the tire as he didn't want to look like he was a sucker waiting to get mugged. Finally, we were able to return the car and be on our way.

New York, NY (08.05.2005 - 08.07.2005)
After the car fiasco in Newark, we were ready to go to bed once we reached my sister's apartment in Manhattan. But I was hungry, so we walked around and ate at a cute Japanese place. I had a mushroom salad and some soba; Brian had some cold-style ramen. Then we headed back and had a nice, deserved rest. Saturday was supposed to be our pseudo-anniversary since we'd both be flying the next day, which was our official anniversary. We walked around 5th Avenue and Union Square. Brian bought a Reggie Miller photo at the NBA store, which I will reluctantly allow him to put up in our room (as long as I can get a Kobe picture). Then we had lunch with my sister and her boyfriend, Jon. We hung out for a bit, played some Star Wars Legos (or something like that) on Xbox. Brian and I had to wait until 11:15pm to eat dinner because that was the only time they had left at Babbo's. Dinner turned out to be decent, but nothing special. Then we walked around Washington Square Park. It was still satisfying. The next morning, we did a rushed tour of The Metropolitan Museum (saw the Matisse collection and some really cool arms and armors). As we were making our way to the museum, Brian decided that he didn't want to carry around a book he had just bought, so he hid it behind a bush in Central Park and said we'd pick it up on our way back. I was skeptical, but it was still there in the end and it all worked out. Then we headed back to the Newark airport where we parted ways -- me towards San Francisco, CA and Brian towards Richmond, VA.

San Francisco, CA (08.08.2005 - Present)
So I've been working full-time for a little over a week now. It sucks! I mean, the work is fine, but 8 hour days are so exhausting! I wake up at 6:30am so that I can be in by 9:00am (living so far away from work is not too fun). Then I get back some time between 6:30pm-7:00pm. This gives me enough time to figure out what I want to eat, eat, and then watch TV for about half an hour. Then I have to go to sleep and repeat the cycle. Geez. I feel so old going to sleep so early. I don't know how you keep a social life on this schedule! Besides for that, I think things are going well. I've met a whole bunch of new people (that seem nice) and I'm getting to know the company a little better (and I like it even more!). For those of you that don't know, I am working as a Technology Analyst at BGI (Barclays Global Investors). They are an investment managing firm (and pretty damn good at it, too) headquartered in San Francisco, with offices all over the world. As the training continues, I learn more about the company and realize how much more I need to learn and how much more I'd like to know. So far, so good. We'll see how I feel once I actually start working in my team and getting some hands-on experience.

Tari likes to think that she "buries" her belongings into random places in the house. The other day, she tried to bury her Greenie (dog treat) under my comforter. Today, she tried to bury her bone under the sofa cushion. Lookie!

Tari's bone

Somewhat hidden...

See it under the cushion?

Tari!

Have you seen Tari? =P

Me and Tari =D

Brian and Tari

We got our dog! We named her Tari, which is short for Nefertari, the Egyptian queen of Ramses II. He called her "the most beautiful" and "the one for whom the sun shines." =D Tari is so adorable! The name fits well.

I want this dog! =D

Our new apartment is finally ready! I'm so happy we can get a dog! I really want to adopt the one pictured above. She's currently being cared for by a no-kill shelter organization, AHAN. Her name is Pretty, which we would like to change if she isn't already too attached to it. If we can't get her, I suppose we would have to go to other shelters to find another dog. We'd prefer to rescue an animal as opposed to just buying one.
Also on a good note, I FINALLY got a job offer from BGI. I'm excited to be there and I get a whole two months off before I start. Tammy's getting old! Starting a full-time job in the fall! =P

Spent yet another weekend in Vegas. I think they're taking too much of my money. =[ Brian and I went to celebrate my sister's birthday, so it's okay. Above is a preview of pictures we've taken. Click here to see more!

Me and my sister before clubbing @ Rain

Brian's "new" car! -- 1990 Nissan 300ZX TT

Pictures from the Las Vegas trip for Breynan's birthday!

Brian and me at Rain

Breynan and Elder @ N9ne Steakhouse

Me 'n' Brian at the ASUC ball.

Holly 'n' me at the ASUC ball.

Ed 'n' Holly at the ASUC ball.

Awww... look at Pommie!

Pommie looking cute =D

A little past dusk from my balcony

I spent the weekend in Vegas celebrating Breynan's birthday. We were supposed to get in on Thursday, as it was a Thursday-Saturday event. We ended up getting there on Friday, so we missed Ghostbar on Thursday. On Friday, we went to Pure at Caesar's Palace, the "new" hottest nightclub in Vegas. We had a VIP table, but they put us on the top floor, which was actually outdoors. Cold! On Saturday night, we had dinner at N9ne Steak House, followed by clubbing at Rain. Breynan had rented out the entire stage above the bar area, so we all had our own space to drink, dance, and people watch. Breynan certainly knows how to throw a celebration! It also helps to know the right people in Vegas. =]

I interviewed with Barclays Global Investors today. I had a behavioral phone interview yesterday and a technical phone interview today. When I had applied for the position, I was asked to fill out a questionnaire about where I would rank certain computer skills. The choices included "no experience," "beginner," "intermediate," and "advanced." Most of the skills, I had selected "beginner" or "intermediate." But under Java, I had selected "advanced." Today, during my technical interview, the hiring manager says to me, "I'm not trying to diss you, but what makes you think you're advanced in Java?" I felt so stupid. =[
Haha. It's rather amusing in retrospect. Plus, I got called in for an in-person, all-day event interview on-site in San Francisco. So cross your fingers for me. =P

I stole this from the American Idol site (it's funny)!
'Anthony raves about the positive fortune cookies he’s been receiving, believing they’re a sign of positive fate. I know he’s young and all, but does he think negative fortune cookies exist? “You are a miserable person. Babies hate you instinctively. Lucky numbers: None for you.”'
And then you do the fortune cookie game: "You are a miserable person... in bed. Babies hate you instinctively... in bed." Muahaha! But seriously, there ARE negative fortune cookies. Once I got something like, "Innocence lost can never be regained." I mean, that's not very nice!

I went clubbing in San Francisco last Friday. There are some sleazy guys out there:
-----
Random guy: What do you want to do when you grow up?
Me: Uhhh... I am grown up.
Random guy: [Looks me up and down] Girl, you all kinds of grown up.
Me: Uhhh... ew. [Walk away]
-----
So I was listening to the lyrics to "Where My Girls At?" (old song, I know) and I was thinking about why you'd be pissed off at another girl for hitting on your man.
"Don't you violate me
Cuz I'mma make ya hate me
If you decide to mess with mine
Shrunk you down to size
Make ya realized
You done messed up this time"
Because if you really think about it, you should be pissed off at your man (if he's reacting to her). If she's doing it because she thinks he's hot, then it just means you have similar taste. But if he's reacting to it, then he's not thinking of you and being a shithead. Don't have a piss fit with the girl, put your man in his place!

Over winter break at Brian's house
-----
James (Brian's stepdad): Tammy, do you want some salad with that steak?
Me: Yeah, I do. (Walk over to the salad bowl in the kitchen) I'd like something non-brown on my plate; it just looks healthier.
Breynan (Brian's brother): Yeah, I'm like you. I like to have non-brown things on my plate, also.
Me: Haha. I like a little color in my life.
Breynan: Haha. Obviously.
-----
Heh heh. That was pretty amusing.

Brian 'n' me at a taqueria

Dinner in San Jose

Mmmm... rabbit dinner

Me 'n' Stacey at a sports bar

Robert 'n' me after Korean tofu

Brian and his nephew, BJ

Our stockings

This is the bathroom I come home to. [Notice that MY towel is on the floor...]

Annie & me @ Rain in Vegas 

Vegas, BABY! =]
Over Thanksgiving weekend, I went with Brian, Holly, and Ed to Vegas. Mmmmm.... Vegas. Brian and I lost a lot of money, but eh. What can ya do? You win some, you lose some. I had fun anyway. On Saturday, we went clubbing at Rain. That was so much fun! I was SO excited when they played California Love. Heh heh. They were like, "Scream if you're from the Bay Area!" "WOOOOOOOHHHH!!" "Scream if you're from LA!" "WOOOOOOOOOHHHH!!" Haha. It was fun. Then we got drunk and walked around drunkenly. =] Good times.
More later.

*WARNING*
-- General whining and bitching about to commence --
As well as I thought the interview went, Citadel apparently felt differently. I mean, I answered all of your stupid questions -- and I answered them well! Geez! Brian is under the impression that it was never really about the interview, but rather how I appeared "on paper." Meaning... I'm not an engineer. Big, f*cking deal. I know I wanted that job more than anyone else there and I KNOW I would've outperformed many of them. So f*ck that. They can kiss my ass as it's their loss.
-- End whining and bitching --
So I've moved on. I mean, if it wasn't meant to be, then it wasn't meant to be. I think everything happens for a reason, even if it's a naive idea. Hell... Princeton was my first choice school. I probably would've been miserable out there. I'm so relieved that in the end I came to Berkeley. So I just have to view these as similar events. So I didn't get my first choice job. That's okay. I know that when I do find something that fits, it's going to be something fabulous and I'll be so glad I didn't end up in Chicago.

I interviewed with Citadel yesterday. I thought it went fairly decent. I was actually able to answer all of the questions, so that's a good sign. =] I talked to some other people afterward and a lot of people were saying that they didn't want to move to Chicago and didn't really want the job. It made me a little angry since it's my first choice. I mean, if they were to receive an offer over me and then reject it... how horrible would that make me feel? I guess I understand why Brian was telling me I shouldn't have applied to companies I had no intention to work for; I could be taking away somebody's dream job.

How to make a Tammy

Ingredients: 5 parts success 5 parts self-sufficiency 1 part empathy

Method: Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of caring

Username:

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

Mmmmm... sleepy time. It's been an eventful week. =] I'm ready for some good, old fashioned rest, though.
On Sunday, we threw a Fourth of July barbecue get-together. There were so many people! We bought so much food and we still ran out. I'm glad, though, because I didn't want to be eating barbecue for the rest of the week. Leave it to the black man to make good barbecue (heaven forbid we let asian people do it!). =] That night, we watched the fireworks from our AMAZING view. Heh heh. It pays to be on the 16th floor, eh? We could see fireworks from so many different places; it was really nice.
On Tuesday, I had my first day of work. I'm working at the IBM Almaden (pronounced ahl-mah-den... thanks, Ken, for that correction before I sorely embarrassed myself at work) Research Center for eight weeks on the WebFountain project. It's it the middle of nowhere! Well, kind of. It's on top of this hill and we have to take this windy, mountain-ish sort of road for about two miles before we reach it. I don't get cell phone reception there, either. It's quite a long commute from Emeryville, too. Shmeh. I deal. So far, I've just been reading all the documentation (nothing terribly exciting). But it all sounds very interesting. I'm pretty excited about it (so you should be, too!).
I don't get my own office at work, which kind of sucks. I work with one other person, who happens to be a Berkeley grad student in the SIMS department. She's nice and we seem to be getting along pretty well. We share a room with two other groups (but one of them finished today, so they'll be gone for the remainder of the time). Apparently, IBM sends people from all over the world on assignments at different locations. The group that finished today consisted of an Australian, a South African, and an American. They were a fun bunch; really outspoken and had that dry sense of humor I really enjoy. The other group in the room consists of people from Australia, England, and the Philippines. They're pretty amusing, too. =]
I'm glad the weekend is coming up. I really want to see King Arthur (Keira Knightley is so pretty!). =] So yeah. Time for some relaxation! (Well, when it hits 5:30pm, at least).

Karma n.
1. Hinduism & Buddhism. The effects of a person's actions that determine his destiny in his next incarnation
2. Fate; destiny.
3. Informal. A distinctive aura, atmosphere, or feeling: There's bad karma around the house today.
(borrowed from dictionary.com)

I thrive from believing in karma. What goes around definitely comes around. I try my best to do unto others as I would like them to do unto me. But none of that fake sweet stuff, please. Be honest and sincere at the same time.
In any case, be careful what you do because it might later come back to bite you in the ass. =]

Our new place is SO nice! Give me a call and you can come by and see it! =]
It's been a pretty good week. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and everything is peachy keen. So I got an internship at IBM working on WebFountain so I'm pretty excited about that. It's a long commute every day, but that's cool; it is IBM, after all. Heh heh. And for what they're paying me, I'd sweep the floor for all I care. =]
I guess I should be unpacking as I seem to have accumulated a lot of crap. This might take awhile.

A couple of weeks ago, I had an interview for an internship position at Applied Expert Systems. The following week, I was offered the position. But being the spoiled brat that I am, I turned it down because I wasn't really interested in what they wanted me to do (quality assurance testing on networking stuff) and it was just too far to be commuting (Menlo Park) to a job I didn't want to do. And of course, being the arrogant bastard that I am, I assumed another position would magically appear. Dammit. Another wasted summer.

What is it with Berkeley and jay-walking? If you're going to jay-walk, at least do it responsibly! Didn't your mother ever tell you to look both ways before crossing the street? Damn. Don't assume that people are going to stop for you just because you're a pedestrian. You wanna die anytime soon?
The other night, I was hanging out with Brian, Holly, and Ed and we were just driving around aimlessly, searching for something to do. As we approach the light at Fulton and Durant, a group of students are slowly jay-walking across the street, not a care in the world. Upon seeing this, Ed revs up. They look over, get scared, and run across the street. Quite amusing. Should've just run them over.
Ed and Brian have this ingenious idea to have "hit-a-pedestrian passes" -- you know, kind of like a "get-out-of-jail-free card." Haha. That would make an interesting platform if one of them were to ever run for office. "If I am elected, I will hand out hit-a-pedestrian passes so that you can mow over those stupid jay-walkers without consequences. Stupidity must lead to their downfall, anyway." And then, from me, "Can we have hit-an-ugly-person passes, too?" Haha. I'm evil.
So if you live in Berkeley -- BEWARE! Jay-walk responsibly (especially if you're ugly) because I won't give it a second thought to plow you over!

I got pulled over by a cop for the first time. Saturday afternoon, Brian and I decided to go shopping. As we're driving down Oxford, a cop pulls up behind me. Going speed limit as I don't want to get a speeding ticket, the cop switches into the lane on our right. Thinking that he was just going to pass (as they always do because they think we're going too slow at speed limit), I didn't really put much more thought into it. As I was looking in my rear view mirror, I see him slowly inch up and then suddenly switch back into my lane behind me. Then he proceeds to turn on his lights and pull me over. What the hell?!
"How are you today, madam?" I've been better, asshole. How good of a day could it possibly be when you just pulled me over? Dumbass. Anyhow, he proceeds to ask for my registration and my proof of insurance. When he looks at them, he says, "Your proof of insurance is expired. Do you have the new one?" Dammit, mother! Sigh. "No, officer. As you can see, it expired barely a month ago and I haven't received the new one yet." Sigh. Then, to Brian: "I noticed that you weren't wearing your seat belt." Damn, damn, damn. What a lame reason to pull someone over! Anyhow, it takes him forever and a day to issue the tickets (yes, plural) and we're getting more annoyed by the second. If you're going to give us a ticket, at least hurry it up because we've got places to be.
Anyhow, it's so stupid. It's a $20 fine and not even worth it. Whatever. Brian was really annoyed. "He just spent the last fifteen minutes giving us a ticket! Doesn't he have anything better to do?! Where the hell was he when Holly's car window got smashed in? Giving someone else a stupid seat belt infraction ticket? Dammit." And I totally agree. I mean, what's with this stupid law. I understand that it's designed to protect our own lives, but who gives them the right to tell us how we should protect ourselves? It's not like we're putting anyone else in danger. I understand speeding tickets as that counts as "reckless driving" and really DOES put others in danger. But this is just stupid! As Brian was saying, "It's like out-lawing sky diving or bungee jumping. I mean, those things endanger our lives. What the hell is that?!"
In any case, it's not really that big of a deal. It's just annoying.

=] It's good to smile sometimes.

Have you ever had one of those nights that you just couldn't fall asleep for the life of you? It's not like you aren't tired -- you just can't fall asleep. It's one of those nights where you're continuously looking at the clock and thinking, "If I fall asleep now, I'll get five hours of sleep...." It's nights like these that I end up pondering the wonders of the world. Maybe that just adds to the insomnia.
So the weather has suddenly turned beautiful. It reminds me of LA. Gosh, I miss it.

The Ex-Files.* I suppose this is something that must be opened during any relationship. Or is it? Is it possible to completely delete those files? To forget their existence? I feel as though I've thought enough about them, about the past, and about the emotions. So from now on, I have decided to close them to the public. That's it. They no longer belong in my life and if I have any thoughts of them, they are fleeting.
By the way, this doesn't refer to Bryant or Chris (if you guys are reading this). You guys are the greatest and I love you dearly. You'll always be a part of my life because you meant more to me than that.
* phrase from Sex and The City

Weather Forecast: Rainy. For the entire week, RAINY. It makes me miss LA and all the warm weather it represents. You know, NON-RAINY.
Moving right along... Yesterday marked an end to Sex and The City. That's a little depressing. As superficial and perfunctory the show might have been, I not only enjoyed it thoroughly, but also learned a few things. That sounds a little pathetic, but it's quite true. I suggest you watch a couple of episodes and you let me know if you're not surprised by some of the things they say that just seem so... right. Take it from the gay writers of Sex and The City.

So I've been thinking about my ability to judge character. I find that I have a better judgement of girls than I do of guys. I have this theory that girls have a "bitch-dar." You know... like how gay guys have a "gay-dar?" Well, I find that girls have a better intuition about other girls than we do about guys. In this case, I'm talking about relative bitchiness. =]
For Kai's birthday, we all went out to Hooter's to celebrate. Since they don't take reservations, Brian and I arrived early to put our names down. The last time we went, Holly and I tried to put our names down and the hostess was really bitchy to us. We then decided that Hooter's girls only liked guys. So this time around, I had Brian take care of things. So the girl was overtly nice to him and it was so obvious that she was flirting. When the others arrived, we were checking out the girls. Li and I decided that the hostess looked like a bitch, although Brian thought she was wonderfully nice. Gee, I wonder why. =] And no, I didn't think she looked like a bitch just because she was flirting with him because I honestly couldn't care less. Hell, I'm glad other girls find my guy attractive; it means I'm doing something right. =]
Anyway, back to my theory. I'm not sure if this whole bitch-dar thing happens because girls know girls or because girls are in a constant competition with each other. We're ten times more critical about other girls than we are about guys. Come on, girls. How many times have you looked back on an ex-boyfriend and thought, "How was I so blind? Why didn't I see that he was a total bastard?" There are far fewer times that we've been disappointed by girls since we have this constant, protective shell of harsh judgement. I mean, is it really surprising that so-and-so did yada yada yada? "I totally KNEW that she was a total bitch!" Whereas with guys, we're more like, "I thought he was such a nice guy! How could I have been so wrong?"
MAYBE it's the romantic attachment we have to guys. Upon closer examination of typical guy behavior, however, it doesn't work the other way around. Most guys I know really just get along with every other guy unless one of the following occurs: a) he's a complete greasy, sleazy, scum-bag -- so much so that it's blindingly obvious or b) he hurt your family/friend. But typically, the initial judgement doesn't occur unless some kind of extraordinary first impression, good or bad, was made. A guy's evaluation of a girl is even worse! Of course, upon first inspection, we look at the surface, the physical. No, it's not shallow -- it's normal. So the face, the body, the clothes, etc. is examined. "Would I do her?" Typical first question a guy may ask himself, even subconsciously. To them, there is no direct correlation between appearance and personality -- by this, I am speaking about the "not so obvious" cases (e.g. not overly dorky). On the other hand, we girls look at another girl and by appearance alone, we make a judgement. "Yeah, I can see why guys find her attractive, but she looks like a bitch."
Most of the time, we're right, too. But then again, it goes back to my original theory -- 'All men are bastards and all women are bitches.' Eh. You don't have to believe me. Hell. What could a bitch like me ever know? =P

FINAL FANTASY: CRYSTAL CHRONICLES! =]

How do you measure the amount of love you feel for another? Is it how much you are willing to do for another? Is it possible to be in a good relationship when one person loves the other person more than the feeling is reciprocated?
At a younger, more rash age, I might have acted on emotions alone. However, I've grown since then (at least I hope I have). "If I asked you to drop everything and run away with me, would you?" Isn't that the same as asking me to give up my life to live his? What about my life and my responsibilities? What about the other people and things I love? And then, if I didn't want to, would he leave? Then it becomes more like "Drop everything and run away with me; if you don't I'm leaving you." Is that not an ultimatum? Or is it more about me not loving him enough to do it?

It was my best friend's birthday yesterday. I called her and our conversation went something like this:
Tammy: You should go out for your birthday.
Stacey: Do you think I have time to go out?
Tammy: Haha. All right. Go out this weekend. Get drunk.
Stacey: So I can hurl all night?
Tammy: Sounds good to me. Don't forget to give me the "drunken call." You know, the one like I always give you when I'm drunk.
Stacey: Haha. Those. You know... "Hey, Stacey. I'm SOOOO~ drunk. Insert-extraneous-ex-boyfriend-name-here is SUCH a bastard!"
Tammy: Haha. You know the one!
Yeah... Always the best time to get drunk: realizing the last guy you dated is a f*cking bastard. Damn. Those were the days. =]

It's back to school. Hurrah.
I have class at 10am every day (except for Thursdays), which is kind of early. It's not too bad. I'm really beginning to think that programming will be the death of me. I'm taking E177 (Engineering 177 - Advanced Programming with Matlab) and let me just tell you that MATLAB must be the worst programming language... EVER. Then again, that might be because I learned C and Java first. Ugh. It frustrates me.
Besides for school, life is coming along. I still need a job... desperately. Otherwise, I'm getting along fabulously (aka swimmingly).

So I have jury duty this week (even though I'm not registered to vote). It really, really sucks. So I had to get up at the butt crack of dawn so I could get myself to downtown LA by 7:30am. And for all you LA people, you know what traffic is like trying to get downtown. Then, I sat there waiting to get called into some case until 11:00-ish. Then, when I'm finally called, they decide that it would be fun to send us elsewhere. Yay. Then I got to drag myself over to the West LA court in Santa Monica. Great FUN! (are you sensing the sarcasm?) First, I had lunch with my sister and her co-workers since she works about five blocks away from the court. Afterwards, I headed over to the Santa Monica court. According to the directions, the parking lot for the jurors is off of Butler from Santa Monica Blvd. I drove up and down Butler, but could find no parking lot. So then I found a residential area, parked there, and walked over to the court. I entered the main building as I there was no directions as to where to go. After going through the usual security checkpoint (similar to the one at airports), I am informed that I was supposed to go to Trailer 1. That's right. You heard me folks. TRAILER 1. I proceeded back outside but still had no idea where I was going. Then I saw it. It was a dingy looking bungalow with a small, yellow "1" painted on the outside. Lovely. I went inside and was told that there was a delay, so that I should just wait. Around 2:30-ish, the clerk tells us that one of the two cases that needs to be tried had been settled, so thirty people could return home and call their jury duty served. Of course, unlucky as I am, I had to stay. So around 3:15-ish, they finally call us in. So there are thirty of us and only fourteen are needed to serve on the jury (twelve on the jury, two alternates). When we get in, they call 21 people to sit in the jury box and in the area in the front of the court. Yep. I'm one of the nine still in the audience. After everybody is seated, the judge tells us it's too late to begin the selection process, so they want us all to return tomorrow at 10:30am. Great great great. What a complete and utter waste of a day. Sigh.

Heh. I saw Cheaper by the Dozen last night. It was amusing; I liked it. Maybe it's because I like Steve Martin and Bonnie Hunt. Yeah, I know it's silly, but that's what makes it so amusing! =]
I'm watching the Seattle-Green Bay game at the moment. Seattle is finally stepping it up. It's about time! Since Minnesota decided to be dumb asses and not make the playoffs, my team of the moment is Seattle. I guess I feel bad because I was rooting against them on the last game of the season and Matt Hasselbeck was my fantasy football quarterback. In any case, GO SEAHAWKS! =]

I saw Something's Gotta Give last night. I liked it. =] Of course, I tend to like most romantic comedies, so that's not really a surprise. It was highly entertaining. Yeah yeah. I know you all are thinking, "But it's an old people's movie! It has two old people as the leads (i.e. Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson)!" Yeah yeah. But that's what makes it so entertaining! Besides, Keanu Reeves and Amanda Peet are also in it and I know you all think THEY'RE hot (because they are). Heh heh. So yeah... go see it! =]

I am SO ready to go back up north. I guess I had forgotten how boring it is in Torrance. Eh. But what could I expect? "There's no dancing in Torrance!" Sigh. So sad.

So I was hanging out with Christine tonight and we went to Chili's for a late dinner. There was this really cute waiter there (as always since they like to employ cute guys). Anyhow, we asked our waiter for the other waiter's name and whatnot whatnot. Then we were discussing pick up lines and we decide to use one on the cute waiter. I consult with Brian to make sure it's not a crappy pick up line. He thinks it's amusing, so we decide to use it. So the cute waiter comes along with our bill (I guess our waiter had him bring it to us) and he's about to leave, so Christine says, "Wait. Come back here." Whereupon she says, "So I was wondering.... is that a keg in your back pocket?" And he's kind of confused and asks, "A keg?" She says, "Yeah... because I'd really like to tap that ass!" Hahahaha. We were amused. He kind of laughed and then left. Eh. It would've worked on me.

Well, I'm back in Torrance. I got in around 3 this morning. What a LONG drive. I guess I had forgotten what it felt like to make that drive. Bleh. Then I get to drive back up in January (but at least I'll have my Solara this time around).
So I went to the Raiders game on Monday. Wow, they suck. So disappointing. But it was fun. I met Brian's brother, too. He's amusing. =] So it was all good.
Didn't do a whole lot today. Had lunch with my mom and then went to get boba with Kazu. Good times, good times. I'm supposed to go hang out with Bryant later tonight. I called Robert, too, but I think he's spending time with his family and I wouldn't want to intrude on that. My sister went to Vegas for a couple of days. So yep. Pretty much home alone with my mom. I wonder how long the peace is gonna last. Haha.

Well, the semester is over. School-wise, I think this has been the worst semester to date. After taking cs164 (compilers) and cs170 (algorithms), I just realized how little I care for CS. This isn't the major of my choice and I no longer have any motivation to do well in it. Before, I had at least a little bit of interest in what I was doing and I always had the motivation to do well. But this time around, I just couldn't get myself to do it. I now have this feeling of strong dislike for the subject, bordering upon hate. I can't imagine myself programming at a computer for the rest of my life; that's not the path I want to take. I laid out my plans for my future before I decided upon coming to Berkeley. I thought I would be fine getting a Bachelor's degree in computer science, to please my parents. And later, I would go back to school and do what I wanted to do with a Master's degree. I still have that plan, but it becomes increasingly difficult to feign interest in a subject I care so little for.

I wrote this over Thanksgiving break while I was sitting at home in Torrance. I guess I just didn't get the chance to post it:
For the first time in a long time, I looked through the box of all the stuff that Tony gave me (the one I stuffed into my closet because I couldn't stand looking at it anymore). I had forgotten that I had written so many letters to him, letters I didn't even give him. Looking at them now, I'm so glad I didn't give them to him. I think they were supposed to be therapeutic in writing and weren't meant to be read by anyone but me. As I read through them now, it's like a whole different person had written them. I had almost completely forgotten what it felt like to feel that naive first love. I had almost completely forgotten about how I felt about Tony. It's kind of sad, actually. I never wanted to forget that feeling. I guess it just faded away into the past. But reading them again now, I remember how hard it was for me to let go, how much it hurt to give up on my first love. I remember those nights when I stayed up crying because I was afraid I'd never feel the same way about anybody else. I remember being greatly saddened because I wanted to be a part of his life in some way, even if I wasn't his girlfriend... yet I was still pushed away. And as young as I was, I really do believe that it was love. That's simply because I have always wished him all the happiness in the world, something that he couldn't find with me. As much as he ever hurt me, I still think about him; not that I want him back or anything, I just like to think back on those days and smile. We were so young and naive, yet those feelings could still be evoked, proving once and for all that love doesn't have to do with age.
As much as the whole thing ever hurt me, I'm really glad it happened. I wouldn't be who I am today if things didn't turn out the way it did. I became a whole lot stronger after the incident. I don't really blame anybody for it anymore. It's something that everybody has to experience. To lose love is to appreciate it even more when it's there. I think, in a lot of ways, it really helped me learn more about life, love, as well as people. Most of all, I learned how strong I was. I know it's something that everybody goes through: the loss of love. And as much as it hurts in time, it eventually fades away. I'm glad I didn't let it affect my ability to be happy.
Then there was Eric. Even thinking about it now is difficult. A couple of weeks ago, Brian asked me about him and at first, I didn't want to talk about it. Eric and those events were shut away long ago and I didn't reveal much of it to anybody. I just chose to forget about it rather than deal with it. But in a lot of ways, that wasn't good for me because it's just been festering inside of me for so long. I just refuse to think about those times and how young, immature, and gullible I was. After thinking about it for awhile, I told him about it. Brian's the first person I've really opened up to about it. It gave me a feeling of relief, like I had finally lifted this weight off of my shoulders.

Here's something I wrote as a reminder to myself to not be fooled by any guy:

Will you be there on rainy days?
Will you be there when I call?
I need to know, so tell the truth --
Will you catch me if I fall?

Do you really care for me?
Do you know me as a friend?
Can I always count on you?
Will you be there 'til the end?

Would you hold me if I cried?
Will you be there by my side?

Some things are best left unknown...
These answers may decide our fate
So if you love me, then tell me so.
It's now or never else it be too late.

Tammy reviews Final Fantasy X-2:
This is the first game in the Final Fantasy series to be a true sequel. It definitely strayed from the conventional style that has defined Final Fantasy in the past. Game play was non-linear; given an airship early in the game, the player is free to move about the fantasy world of Spira as s/he chooses. Each location provides "missions" for the heroines to complete; it's very Charlie's Angels-esque. The story is much lighter than its predescessor, complete with more upbeat and fun music (although, composer Nobuo Uematsu is noticeably absent).
Expecting a whole lot more after the amazing game that was Final Fantasy X, FFX-2 was a bit of a disappointment. It was extremely girly and cheesy. But what can you expect from girls like Yuna and Rikku? I also missed the Crystal Theme that is usually present in traditional FF games. That's not to say the music wasn't good because it was. What was most frustrating of all about this game was that there was no possible way I could've completed 100% of this game without a guide. That's a bit annoying since I'm a strong advocater of beating a RPG game solely based upon your own adventuring skills sans a walkthrough. That simply wasn't possible with this game. And once we found out there was an extra ending scene for getting 100% completion of the game, there was no stopping us. (By us, I mean Brian and me). Which meant we spent six hours levelling up to their maximum capacity and then proceeding through the extra "dungeon" of the game (a 100 level 'cloister') to meet a fiend that supposedly had the highest level on every stat (i.e. 999,999 HP, 9999 MP, etc). How the hell were we supposed to beat that without some sort of hint as to how to go about it? Consider the fact that this fiend could hit in the range of (20,000-50,000 HP) whereas our max HP was 17,000. Without some sort of guide, we would've never gotten through it. What hell. After finally completing the game, we got that extra scene. Let me just say that it was the BIGGEST disappointment of all. It wasn't even a real cut scene! So my suggestion to you if you're planning on playing this game (or already are), DON'T bother trying to get 100% completion or going through the Via Infinito Cloister of Trials in Bevelle. Don't do it!
In any case, it was a nice distraction from school. I guess I should go study now =].