Day 6: Balled with Brian and Charlie in the afternoon. I tried to shoot 3-pointers, but I simply don't have that kind of strength to shoot that far. Later that night, we went back for weight lifting. Wow. I actually have muscles! I didn't realize they existed in my body!
I hate my subconscious. It's apparently trying to tell me something every time I dream. Blah blah blah. "You need closure." Blah blah blah. Dammit. Just when I thought I could stay angry and not have to feel any of the hurt. I hate it when my heart finally speaks up. Sigh. Guess I will be reading Mars and Venus Starting Over.

Day 5: After becoming un-sore from two days of resting, we headed back to the gym. Brian is NOT a good spotter; he let the bar fall on me while we were benching! Then I did some curls and headed on down to the punching bags. I thought my hands would be okay if I wrapped them in a towel, but no. That wasn't a smart idea. So after one good swing, I started bleeding. That was not fun at all. Eh. At least I had that one good swing.
So my sister brought up a book for me: Mars and Venus Starting Over. It's by the same person who wrote Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. I don't think I'm ready to read this book yet. It keeps talking about "letting go with love" and "allowing yourself to hurt." I'm thinking that this anger I have right now is better than allowing myself to hurt. So... this book is going under the bed for awhile.

Day 4: Went ballin' with Brian, Ed, and Holly. Holly and I got our asses beat, but what did you really expect from two little asian girls against a black guy? We had fun anyway. Since I was so sore, I couldn't play very well, but that's okay.
We (Brian, Holly, Ed, Charlie, Nicole, and I) headed over to the lake by Tilden Park to go swimming. I was trying to tan, so I didn't get in the water. The sun didn't stay out too long since we got there so late. Eh. Then Brian almost drowns. That wasn't too amusing. Afterwards, we hung out and Brian and Charlie's apartment. We ordered pizza and watched Shanghai Knights. It was quite amusing, indeed. Then I picked up my sister from the airport and went to sleep. Exciting, yes?

Day 3: Learned how to "correctly" shoot a basketball. I'm gonna be a "balla!" =] Then headed back down to bench some weights. Finished off with some form and movement work for boxing.
I'm so sore. My whole body is sore. That's not fun at all. Anyhow. We tried to go to Hooters last night (in San Francisco), but it was super crowded, so that didn't turn out too well. I did, however, buy a pair of pink gym shorts and I had them iron on "Sweet Rice" on the ass. =] That's my new fight club name. Holly got one that says "Riceball." Hah. Brian is "Wild Rice," Charlie is "Long Grain," and Ed is "Rice Bucket." We're dorks... in a good way!

I went to the RSF (Recreational Sports Facility, aka the gym) for the first time EVER. They're training me to be a fighting machine. =]
Day 1: Benched the bar. I was so proud of myself. For anyone who knows me, they know my arms are weak sauce. I was surprised I could do the bar at all. Then did some curls, but not too many. Then headed on down to where they keep the punching bags. That was FUN. Ed taught me the correct form on how to punch because I was apparently doing it all wrong. I proceeded to punch the bag with all my pent up emotions. It was very therapeutic. I ended up taking off a lot of skin on my knuckles and fingers, so they kind of hurt now. That's okay, though. It's the good type of pain. It looks like I got into a huge fight with somebody.
Day 2: Benched the bar... and then some. =] That was pretty exciting. Then I did some squats, which is fine by me because my legs are the most toned parts of my body. That was fun. Once more, I went on down to where the punching bags are located. Since my hands were all cut up, I couldn't actually hit anything. I worked on my form and tried using my left hand. That wasn't too pretty. I tried.
Anyhow. I've had so much pent up anger and I just want to be able to take someone out if I really wanted to. Hence, they're making me into a fighting machine. Be careful as to not get on my bad side or you might find yourself knocked out by a small, asian girl.

My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands, standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone wishing all my feeling was gone
I gave my best to you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry
One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I've gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I guess I'm down to my last cry

I realize now that I have to let go. It's not only detrimental to my health, but also to those people who care about me.

"I don't want you trying to get with me and I end up unhappy. I don't need the hurt and I don't need the pain. So before I do, give myself to you, I have to know the truth... If you had my love and I gave you all my trust, would you comfort me? And if somehow you knew that your love would be untrue, would you lie to me and call me baby?"
I'm gonna make sure I know the answers to these questions before giving my heart out again. There's only so many times a girl's heart can break without breaking her spirit, also. So far, I've been careless in who I have entrusted my heart with. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I'm a huge retard. "It's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust."
I suppose I've been too idealistic. I always believed that love was enough to pull a couple through anything. I didn't think any problem was insurmountable for two people in love. "'How do you know when enough is enough?' 'In love, it's never enough.'" That's always made me give 110% into something I believed to be worthwhile. I would've tried anything to make things work because I truly believed that it was something worth fighting for. But I guess it's not enough if the other person doesn't also feel the same way.
I feel like I keep running into a brick wall. So I've reached a fork in the road. To my left, there's a clear path, although a little bit dark. I can see that there's a nice scene lying at the far end of the clear path. To my right, there's a brick wall. I'm not sure what's behind it, but something tells me it's wonderful, although I can't be completely sure. But I want what's behind that wall! Screw the clear path! So I proceed to smack into the wall... over and over and OVER AGAIN. But it's a brick wall. Deep down, I know I can't break it down without help. But I keep trying because I REALLY want what's behind that wall. As the wall becomes smeared in my own blood, I realize that it's not going to come down. I start to give up and walk away, but then a small crack appears and I think I'm making progress. Then the process starts all over again as I keep running myself into the wall.
I have to be some sort of masochist. It's like, "Please. Keep hurting me. I like it." Ugh. For all I know, the clear path might just lead me to the other side of the wall, even if it's the long way around. But no. I insist on breaking down this wall. It's just that I've put so much work into this and I'm not one to give up. But I think it's time that I do let go of it. I'm going to kill myself if I keep smacking into this wall.
I have to believe that everything will work out for the best. I have to believe that things will happen if they are meant to happen. Somewhere along the path of life, roads will cross again if they are meant to. I have to be content knowing that I gave everything I had and leave no regrets behind.

I've had this obsession with getting my heart back so that I wouldn't feel so empty. Kazu's advice for me is to grow a brand new heart because the old one, as shattered as it is, is really no use to me anymore. I'm beginning to think that's the best plan of action. It's best to just let the old one die where it is and make a fresh start with everything.
I look around this path I've been walking on and it seems familiar; I've been this way before. At the same time, the path seems different. I try to think back about the last time I've had my heart broken and how I stayed strong, but it's been so long that I had forgotten the kind of hurt that goes along with it. But I know I've been through it before and I know I can do it again and emerge stronger than I was before.

I'm trying to keep myself busy so that I won't have time to think or to feel. I think I'm feeling... okay. I've been better, but I've been worse, too.
Even after everything, I don't regret a moment. At least I'll always know that I gave everything I had. I would've always wondered "what if..." if I didn't do everything I could to make it work. I guess it's time for me to leave the brick wall and head along down the clear path. I really believed I was strong enough to make everything work. But I can't do it by myself.

It means so much to me that you guys care so much about me. I wouldn't be able to get through this without you.
To my lobster, my best friend, I don't regret a minute of our time together because I've had the happiest moments with you.
My sister bought last minute tickets for tomorrow morning to fly up to Berkeley just to see me. I'm so grateful for the people who love me and will do anything to see me feeling better.

Do you ever feel like crying but not know why? I indulged that feeling today. Sometimes a good cry will make you feel a million times better. Deep down, I know what caused the tears.

If I had one wish right now, it would be to see you smile.
When you see someone you really care about unhappy, it makes you feel down, too. You try your best to make him feel better, yet it only seems to further agitate him. I think it's bad when one person's happiness totally depends on another. What happened to taking care of yourself? You can only take "your pain is my pain" so far.

I had my first section on Tuesday. It was pretty interesting. Actually, I'm pretty glad no one I knew showed up to listen to me teach. I was kind of all over the place and ill-prepared. But I think it should be better today. This time, I'm bringing along a powerpoint presentation I spent an hour coming up with. So yeah. I think it should be okay today. I also have office hours. WOW! I have OFFICE HOURS! =] My students seem to be cool. I have a lot of international students, though. This could be a problem because they seem to have English "disabilities." I'm not sure how they're gonna do. I feel bad enough since I figure this summer session is going to be pretty hard. Probably not as hard as Barath made OURS out to be, but still hard enough that people will be complaining. I guess that's to be expected from 61B.

"Successful test for submission of assignment proj1-code on Mon Mar 3 21:38:00 2003. Your submission of assignment proj1-code at Mon Mar 3 21:38:00 2003 successfully compiled and passed our tests. << All tests passed." Isn't that the most exciting thing ever? =]

Going back to Berkeley on Sunday! That's pretty exciting. I have so much stuff to pack up to go back. I didn't realize how much stuff I bought! I'm a shop-aholic! =] I bought a cute ribbon tank from Abercrombie and Fitch. Also bought the matching underwear. Apparently, it's "skanky cute," in the words of Li. Christine is getting back from Santa Cruz today and we're supposed to hang out later. We're gonna go get food and pick up on cute boys =] Haha. Right. I also bought shoes today to go with my new summer dress. Hurrah for my new wardrobe!

Went shopping today. That was exciting. I bought a cute yellow tank with cherries on it from Forever 21. =] Also bought a cute polo shirt from Aeropostale. Then headed over to the Sanrio store (never too old for Sanrio!) and bought a new pencil case since mine is broken. Also bought a Hello Kitty tote, large enough to fit my laptop. =D Proceeded over to GameStop and bought Street Fighter 3 Alpha on Game Boy Advance (for Desmond). Then headed over to Michael's to buy magnets for my sister. I wanted to sunbathe and get tanner, but it didn't start to get sunny until later in the afternoon, while I was shopping. It's okay, though. Tomorrow, I plan to head over to Galleria to shop.

I've been in Torrance for about a week now. Good times, good times.
Monday: Hung out with the family since my grandmother is visiting from Taiwan.
Tuesday: Tried to work out in the morning. I ran in a mile before I nearly died. Wow. I'm so out of shape.
Wednesday: Took my grandmother out to lunch and then took her shoe shopping. She was looking for a pair of sneakers. But she's looking not just for any kind; it MUST be the kind without laces. She prefers velcro, instead. WHERE, may I ask, AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND THOSE? So I took her to Foot Locker, Lady Foot Locker, and even Children's Foot Locker. Better luck next time, I suppose.
Thursday: Sat my lazy ass at home trying to read over CS material so I won't be completely lost this summer.
Friday: Tried to take my grandmother to one of my favorite Chinese restaurants, but it was closed. That was depressing. Then drove over to this other Chinese place that USED to be good, but now isn't. We had dim sum, but there wasn't too much and it wasn't very good. I tried to pay for the lunch, but she wouldn't let me. She says I can pay when I make money (which I do). Apparently, she's talking about a REAL JOB.
Saturday: Headed over to my cousin's house in Rowland Heights. It's been two years since my grandfather pass away, so we had to do some praying and whatnot. Then had lunch with my family (including cousins, aunt, and uncle) at some Chinese restaurant in Rowland Heights. Apparently, my (older) cousin thinks its funny to joke about the Lakers and whatnot. I, on the other hand, was not too amused.

This week has been non-stop programming. The horrors of programming. It's a nightmare!
I've been pretty moody lately. I think it's mostly because I haven't been out on a night of fun for such a long time. When I finally get free time to do stuff, I'm usually stuck at home sleeping because I have no one to go out with. It's most depressing indeed. Everybody is busy all the time. We could all use a break.
I have a midterm on Tuesday that I'm totally ill prepared for. With emotions running high, I don't really know how my brain has been functioning.

I haven't updated in awhile. I suppose it's because I took the link off of my profile and I've just forgotten about it. Not like much has happened anyway. Same ol'. same ol'.
Went to McDonald's with Charlie and Brian tonight. Some homeless guy kept staring at me and Charlie. We were talking about him in Chinese. Quite amusing. I guess you had to be there.
I did absolutely nothing today. Watched a bunch of episodes of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. I wanted to play video games, but then I realized that I couldn't really start anything as I would not have time to finish it. Quite sad. I wanted to see Bulletproof Monk, even though it looks lame. I like Chow Yun Fat, though. He's cool. =] There are a bunch of movies out for rent that I wanted to see, too. Unfortunately for me, people are busy. Charlie's with his girlfriend at Treasure Island (some AAA thing), Brian's studying, and Holly's MIA. Shmeh.
I need a date.

Back in Berkeley and more stressed out than ever. CS162 project and a philosophy paper. I was so tired this week. It's non-stop work. But oh well. School is important, so I'll deal. I better be getting a damn good job after graduating. Then maybe some more school. Hurrah for me.
STALK? Apparently, I need someone to stalk. That's lovely. According to Brian, I need someone to stalk. A guy, that is. A hot one at that. =] I wouldn't have it any other way.

So I'm back in Torrance. I've been here for nearly a week and nothing has happened. I've been sick, so I can't even go out. Plus, I have no means of transportation as my car is sitting in Berkeley. So I've just been sitting at home, playing with my laptop, and sleeping. Sounds great, huh? Eh. I suppose it's better than stressing myself out in Berkeley.
The point of coming back to Torrance was to get away from Berkeley and certain problems. I was supposed to be able to think clearly with a good distance between me and Berkeley. Unfortunately for me, this cold has not seemed to go away and my mind seems just as clouded. I've been thinking a lot about everything. I looked over a lot of my past diary entries, both online and in my old diary, and it's strange. I mean, I can still remember the events quite clearly, but I can't seem to follow my own train of thoughts. I've grown a lot since then and I think I would've acted much differently knowing what I do now. At the same time, I know that a couple of years from now, I'll look onto the events of today and wonder, "What the HELL was I thinking?!"
I found, however, that my ideals and visions of love have remained the same throughout the years. And now.. here I am. I gave up those very same principles to be with someone that I think may be The One. So then I begin to wonder if I'm sacrificing too much. Would The One really ask me to give that all up? Without those ideals, am I even the same person? I wonder...
I've also been doing a lot of thinking about soul mates. I was watching Sex and The City and there's this episode where Carrie and her crew decide to be each others' soul mates and to see dating as "great, nice guys to have fun with." I think that sort of makes sense. I used to think that your soul mate is the one person you're supposed to be with. In that sense, The One and soul mate was synonymous. But now I begin to think otherwise. I mean, I see it as your soul mate is supposed to be the one person who completely understands you. Not necessarily does this mean that this person is The One. Now I think that The One is just a feeling that you get. Yes, there are some requirements. For example, I may not think that my One completely gets everything I do/think/say, but he must be able to accept me for everything that I am and everything that I am not. In saying all this, I mean to say that it is quite likely that someone you are not romantically involved with just might be your soul mate. And it also may be true that your One may not necessarily be your soul mate. I just kind of like that idea because then I know that although I may never find The One, I'll always have my soul mate to fall back on. And I DO believe that I've found my soul mate.

It's early o'clock in the morning, but I can't sleep because I'm having a coughing fit. My body doesn't seem to like it when I lay down because I go into this fit of coughing. Doesn't look like I'll be sleeping for awhile. Stupid cold. It just doesn't want to go away.
I can't wait for Spring Break. I need some time away from the hustle and bustle of Berkeley. I'm sick of this and I'm ready for the comforts of home. Maybe it'll give me the distance to finally gain a clear perspective on things.

I made out a list of all the people that have made a (positive or negative) impact on my life. It's interesting looking at it. There seemed to be a lot more names/images swirling in my head than actually came out on paper. Looking at it all, I consider myself to be actually quite lucky. I've lead quite a full life for my nineteen years and most of those years seem to have a lot of happy times. I mean, really, what do I have to be sad about? I look at my life right now and it's really wonderful. I have great friends who love me, my family who constantly checks up on me, and I go to a school that I love. So I'm without a boyfriend. If that's the way it goes, then that's the way it goes. Who am I to question fate? Somewhere along my journey, I'm going to be entirely certain who is right for me and I know we'll spend the rest of the way making each other deliriously happy. In the mean time, I'll make do with making myself happy.

"What am I to do with my life? You will find out, don't worry. How am I supposed to know what's right? You just gotta do it your way." -Britney Spears, Overprotected
Christine came to visit on Sunday. I haven't seen her since December, so it was good to hang out with her again. She reminds me that I'm not the only crazy one. =] Haha. So we were talking about past relationships and whatnot. Same ol' thing... Tony was a bastard, we all thought Jeremy was scary, etc., etc. I think we were both really glad that we were always there for each other during those times. So anyway, as for advice for now, she says, "Just do whatever makes you happy. And if anyone hurts you, I'LL KILL HIM."

So Charlie's party last Saturday... it was hot, hot, HOT. Did I mention that it was HOT? =] Yeah. Dancers... they're hot. Heh heh heh.

I spent 16 hours programming yesterday. 16 hours! I'll never get those 16 hours of my life back! My CS group got to Soda at 11am and proceeded to work until 6pm. We then ate some dinner and continued to work. We finished at 3am. Well, we figured out the bugs of one problem and we could compile the other. Unfortunately for us, everybody who was anybody decided to be on all the servers so everything was going super slow. It would take five minutes just to open the editor window! And then you would type something and you'd have to wait a couple of seconds before it showed up on the screen. Sigh. How are you supposed to program under conditions like that??

This month has lasted much too long. I'm ready for it to end. It means I can eat meat tomorrow! =] Much more important than that, it's a new month, away from this horrid, horrid time.
I'm in Soda working on my CS 162 project. It's not going too well considering I don't even know how to test my code. Shmeh. It'll work out. It's due next Thursday. I have a philosophy paper due on Tuesday, but I'm not really worried about it. I figure I'll have it done in 2-3 hours. In the mean time, I'm trying to think up of good test cases for my CS project. The pains of being a CS major. ***POINTS AT KAZU*** SMOKING DOESN'T HELP YOU IN CS!!!

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.
I got that from Ken's profile. It's funny how that hits home.

I was thinking about everything that has happened this month and when I looked up, the sun started to shine through my window. Is this the sign I've been waiting so long for?

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm following wherever my heart may lead me.

"The course of True Love never did run smooth." -William Shakespeare from A Midsummer Night's Dream
I love that movie. I love Calista Flockhart. She's so cute. =]

Valentine's Day turned out better than planned. =]

"True Love burns the brightest, but the brightest flames leave the deepest scars." -Unknown
I've done a lot of dumb things in my life, I admit. But the dumbest thing to date is to allow other people, people I don't even know, people I have no respect for, control what I do. Why should I care what their opinions/actions are? I don't. If you don't know me and you're reading this to find reasons to harass me, then YOU HAVE NO LIFE OF YOUR OWN. What I write in here, in my online diary, in my subprofile, or whatever I do, it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. I do it for me and I do it for MY FRIENDS. I'm LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE REAL FRIENDS. I have FRIENDS that love me and will ALWAYS stand behind me in everything I do, even if they disagree with it. It's hard to find people in this world that will accept you for everything that you are and aren't, but I've found MANY. If you even had ANY idea about what friendship means, you would know that it means to love and to sacrifice. It means supporting your friend's choices and being behind them. They should KNOW that you'll always be right behind them in support... they should KNOW it enough to believe it... they shouldn't even have to look back to check if you're still there because they KNOW that you ARE still there. So in saying that, FRIENDS DON'T GIVE FRIENDS ULTIMATUMS BECAUSE THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE TO SUPPORT EACH OTHER'S DECISIONS. Most of all, FRIENDS DON'T KEEP THEIR FRIENDS FROM GOING WHERE THE HEART DESIRES. It's hard enough to find love in this world, but it's nearly impossible if someone is trying to keep two people in love... apart.
So if you don't know me and you're still reading this, GO AWAY. Maybe you should try to be a better friend instead of acting like a 15 year-old.

I'm a complete emotional mess. I need someone to be here to hold my hand through this. I can't stop myself from hurting no matter how hard I try, how much I tell myself that I'll be okay. I keep thinking back about all the things he's said to me, all the promises he's made to me. I remember him telling me that he feared I would some day refer to him as "just some guy I dated." How I wish I COULD refer to him that way. How I wish I don't love him as much as I do. Then it wouldn't hurt so badly. But I do.... love him. Even through the stubborness and even through the blindness.
They say that if you truly love someone, you're willing to sacrifice anything for him... even yourself. They say that if you really love him, you would give him what he wants. But I can't just be his friend. If I continue on this way, there won't even BE a me for him to have as a friend.
But it's so incredibly difficult. I still want him back and I know I still need him. I know I have to let go, but it's just so hard. I've been fighting for so long and I still truly believe that it's worth fighting for. My heart feels like it's in some sort of a death grip. I can't stop loving him. And one-sided love is the worst feeling.

I don't understand. How is it that someone can give up something so great due to stubborness? It just doesn't make any sense to me at all. If he misses me, if he's sad without me.... why? It just doesn't make any sense! I really don't get it. He says that it's because he's made his choice and that he wants to keep his friend (the one that gives ultimatums... you know... because THAT'S what friends do). How does that make ANY sense? How can it be that he's giving up something so great because of stubborness? People keep telling me that sometimes love just isn't enough. I disagreed with them, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe stubborness can overrule love.
So anyway, I told him not to call me, IM me, talk to me, etc. It's just too hard. I know that I have to let go, but if he keeps doing this, I'll get the wrong impression and keep holding on to something that's not there anymore. I told him how difficult for me it is to be there with him but not REALLY be WITH him. It's so hard to sit next to him and not want to hold his hand, call him "Cutie," and tell him how much I love him. It's just too hard. Maybe I'm being selfish for witholding my friendship, but I really have to care of myself. This whole weekend, all I did was sit by the phone and wait for his call. It was like I had lost the will to do anything else.
Again, I feel that my self worth is down to nil. I need time to love myself again before I can love anybody else. I need time to pick up the pieces of my heart and mend it back together.

I had my break down last night. It was long in coming. I'm not sure what riled it up and finally made it come out... but it did. He knew it, too. I wanted so badly for him to show up at my door to comfort me. I waited for it to happen, but it never did. He was the only person who could've stopped the hurt, but he wasn't there. I eventually did get a phone call, but it seemed like so little... and so late. Maybe that's what he felt like that night I didn't show up. I guess it's hard to understand until you're there. I just kept thinking about how he used to go running when his ex called crying... even if he was spending time with me. I guess it just really hurts knowing that I don't have that same consideration.
He says that he misses me, too. I don't doubt that he does or else he wouldn't call me at all. But if he really misses me that much, why doesn't he do something about it? He knows that I'm just waiting for that moment to come... At the same time, I know that I shouldn't allow anybody to string me along.

I miss him so much it hurts. I don't want to hurt. I almost feel as though I've lost my identity. My world is suddenly crashing down on me and I don't know how to pick myself up. I don't know how to keep going when all I want to do is collapse and cry. I know I just need to take it day by day and just make sure that today is okay and not worry about what may happen tomorrow. My heart is still aching. I know I still have a lot of pieces of my heart to pick up. I'm hoping I will be strong enough to put it all back together.
A lot of people have been telling me lately that I allow people to step all over me. They talk about getting back/even or whatnot, but I'm not like that. They just ask, "Are you really going to let them get away with doing that to you?" I'm not 15 anymore. I'm so much better and more mature now. And I won't stoop down to that level because I'm better than that... I was taught better than that.

"Sweet dreams." I think it's something we've all said in our life time. We just want to wish someone a good night's rest and we tell them to have "sweet dreams." What you consider to be a "sweet dream" might be different from what I consider to be one. One person's nightmare might have once been a sweet dream. I've woken up many times in the past week, not sure what it was that was waking me up, but knowing that it was also keeping me awake because I was too afraid to fall back asleep. The other night, being back in Desmond's arms, even if for a few brief moments, felt like heaven. I was too afraid to sleep, afraid that the moment would pass me by. Knowing full well that it just might be the last time I'm with him like that, I stayed up most of the night, relishing the feel of just being near him, in his arms, and at ease. I didn't want the night to end and when his alarm went off, I wanted to curse it to the depths of hell. These last couple of nights, I lie awake in bed, not sure what to do. And when I do fall asleep, I wake up with a start, not sure what I'm doing alone in my apartment, in my bed. I reach over to grab his hand... but he's not there.
I think the nights are the worst. Usually during the day, I can pretend like nothing has happened. I can just pretend that we're having a busy schedule and can't spend much time together anymore. Plus, I have my friends to keep me company and to keep me sane. At nights, though, I'm just not prepared for the onslaught of sadness and loneliness.

I am so glad that I have friends that love me as much as they do. I just hope that I can be there for them in the same way that they've been here for me. It's hard to find one person in the world that will accept you for everything that you are/aren't, and somehow, I've ended up with six. I love you guys... you know who you are.
I talked to my sister tonight for a really long time. She said, "Whether it was four years or one year, breaking up is hard to do." Having broken up with her ex of four years was one of the hardest things she has ever had to deal with. I'm really glad that she has moved on since then. I didn't really think, though, that she'd really understand how I felt. She should know, though. It's just that I thought she would bring up the time difference issue (4 years vs. 1 year). It's really nice that she listened to what I had to say. In the past, she would've just told me to get over it. We've grown a lot closer and I think we understand each other better now.
"Your friends are a reflection of the type of person you are." Friends care about you. They are the ones that stay by your side when no one else will. They swallow their own pride and wish the best for you. When you find somebody you love, they are happy for you, even if it's someone they do not care for. Friends support your choices. Friends are those people who you know are always behind you in everything you do... you don't even have to look back to check.

I have no words. For once, I HAVE NO WORDS. I don't know how to properly express myself. I looked up at the stars tonight and wondered what was written in them for me. Am I to suffer? Am I to be happy? Am I to be lonely? Am I to be successful? It's hard to say.
I remember that night I spent in Fremont with Desmond and he took me to some huge hill to look at the stars (since I don't get to see any in Torrance). It was really a sweet thing to do. A long time ago, someone I once knew asked me what I thought a perfect date would be. I thought that the ultimate date would be a picnic under the stars. Well, I never got a picnic, but it was just as nice. There's romance in the stars. I don't know what it is about them, but they emit that kind of feeling. Some day, I'll go back.
Have you ever made a wish upon a star? Even though you know it probably won't come true, it just makes you feel immensely better. Like I said before, there's just something about stars. Or maybe it's just me. I remember sneaking out of the house to go for walks at night. I always ended up at "my place." Yep. The swings at La Romeria Park. I used to look up and be really sad that I couldn't see the stars. So I'd stare at the moon. It's such a wonderful, peaceful feeling. I wish it was that simple now. I wish I could lose myself in the cosmics, but now it's just so complicated.

Sometimes, it just hurts so much that it's beyond tears. Sometimes, the love is so true that you stand up strong when all you want to do is crumble because you know they want you to be okay. Sometimes, you're willing to let go because you know it's TRUE. Sometimes... THEY ARE TRUE. Love is there for giving... and in this case, it is better to give than receive. Although it hurts now, the pain will eventually subside. If you really love someone, you'll want them to be happy, even if it's not with you.
People keep asking me, "You love him? Well... are you so sure? Do you really know what love is? What is it, then?"
Love is about opening your heart to someone else, even if you've been hurt before. Love is about one soul in two bodies. Love is about giving it your all, even if you're afraid of getting hurt. Love is finding your better half. Love is not about being with someone you can live with.... but about being with someone you can't live without. Love is about being happy just to know he is, even if he isn't with you anymore.
I strongly believe that you can never "fall out of love" with someone that you truly love. I also strongly believe that things happen for a reason. We all choose to take a certain path. When we get to a crossroad, we have to decide which way to go. You might decide to go separate ways from someone else... but if it was meant to be, those roads will cross again. I believe that THERE is happiness, but there's a lot of pain on the way. But on that journey to happiness, you'll learn truly what it means to be happy. And when you reach that destination and find someone to walk with forever, then you'll appreciate it even more.
I'm a true believer in love because I'm such a hopeless romantic... I wouldn't have it any other way.

I find myself in a place I don't want to be.
It's a brand new year and a brand new me... or is it? A brand new me, that is. I want to say that I have done things to make myself happy, but I find that I have not. "Put yourself out there," they say. I feel that I am out there. But am I really?

Are you in... or are you out? I'M IN! =]

Went shopping with my sister today. I bought her a GameBoy Advance for a late Christmas present. She bought me a cashmere beanie from Banana Republic and Nine West shoes. Remind me not to go shopping with her again. My feet hurt. And I thought I shopped a lot. Apparently not as much.
Was kind of depressed today. I need to go back to Berkeley. I miss my apartment. I miss my boyfriend. But I guess that's only on my side.

So CS didn't turn out well. =[ Oh well. There's nothing much I can do about it now. I was depressed all day. Desmond left for Hong Kong, too. It was not a happy day. Oh well. It's a new day. I'm driving my butt (along with Alex's) back down to LA. Back to Torrance I go. Yippee.

I have my CS final in 40 minutes. I CAN do this. I WILL NOT LET DAN GARCIA BEST ME! GRRR! *flexes with non-muscles* If I do well on this, then screw math.

I'm a reader for CS61A. One of my students thinks I'm hot! That's amusing. Haha. I'm amused.
heavenly TH: i'm grading your friend's project right now.
k*********: kooool
k*********: guess what
heavenly TH: what?
k*********: he thinks you're hot
k*********: hehehe
heavenly TH: what?
heavenly TH: you're kidding.
k*********: shh, don't say anything
k*********: but he was just like 'yeah dude, my reader is hot!'

"In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you want the other person." -Margaret Anderson
After watching a bad episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S, I realize that all of my favorite sitcoms have been going downhill. Will and Grace, for example. This is most upsetting.

I have my EE final tomorrow and I just realized that I know NOTHING about transistors. Sigh. :'(

Study, study, study. I can't handle the pressure!

You wanna know what love is?
Do you trust me? When you look in my eyes, do you feel anything? When I say something, do you listen? When I mess up, do you forgive me? When I'm upset, do you comfort me? When you're upset, do you smile for me? When you're angry at me, does it fade away quickly? When I'm hurt, do you cry?
I trust you. When I look in your eyes, I know this is real. When you say something, I listen not with just my ears, but also with my heart. When you mess up, I'll always forgive you. When you're upset, all I do is try to cheer you up. When I'm upset, I smile for you and never take it out on you. When I'm angry at you, it fades away instantly when you simply smile. When you're hurt, I cry for your pain because I share it with you.

I'm so depressed. I have failed NOT one, but TWO of my midterms. So depressing. Damn you, EE AND MATH!!

Not feeling too good. My throat is feeling kind of iffy. It's not a good time to be getting sick. I think I should be taking echinacea. You know what it is? It's this damn Berkeley weather!

"Love takes time to heal when you're hurting so much. I cannot stand the pain inside 'cause love takes time... I don't wanna be here alone." -Mariah Carey
Endlessly.

Desmond and his friends played mahjong tonight (last night... whatever). I haven't played mahjongg in forever! Damn me and my lack of Chinese friends who know how to play... I should consider bringing up my set from home and TEACHING everyone to play.

I've looked at the framework for my cs project a million times over. Why do I still feel so lost??

I got my DVDs! Yay! Now I have all of Hayao Miyazaki's movies (minus Spirited Away)! Hurrah! That's so exciting. =] I was watching PomPoko, which is a story about tanukis. Remember Mario 3 on old school Nintendo? Whenever Mario wore a tanuki suit, he could turn into a statue. KAWAII! =]

I finally got Christine's package for me last night. She sent it like two weeks ago! Damn postal service... But yes. I had dim sum today for the first time in forever! MMMM... dim sum. Went to El Torito at Jack London Square with my dormmates to celebrate Jon's birthday last night. Got lost trying to get there, but eh. That pretty much encapsulates my weekend. Damn. I'm pathetic, aren't I?

I just saw The Ring last night. It was SO scary. I'm still freaked out and I can't stop thinking about it. SO SCARY.

Finally finished with midterms... Well... at least for another couple of weeks. Sigh. It's never ending. I guess I really shouldn't be complaining because it's a whole lot better than working. I can't believe I know people who are graduating this year. Geez. That's so scary. I'm thinking back to sophomore year of high school (4 years ago!) and how they were all seniors right about now. I remember how desperately I wanted to be a part of Robert's clique. That seems like such a long time ago... and all those people... they're graduating!! And NOT from high school... from COLLEGE. That's scary as hell.

Birthday gifts received:
Desmond: homemade dinner, DKNY watch, external CD burner, Gucci cell phone decoration, Beauty & The Beast DVD
Holly & Brian: Britney's Dance Beat for PS2, cow socks
Li: scarf
Karishma: F.R.I.E.N.D.S. trivia game

Thanks, you guys! I'm so old now! I got up this morning and was like, "Ohh... my back hurts!" =]

I hate it when professors give you their old midterms to give you an idea of what it might be like and then give something so much harder for the real thing. Grrrr. How upsetting.

You think you know... but you have NO IDEA.

Any time a guy ventures to prove me wrong, I am only proven correct. So much for that, huh?

Do you think it's better to have your own separate life to go to when you're not with your significant other? I think so. I mean, sometimes, don't you just want something that's solely for you? Or is that selfish? I was watching an episode of FRIENDS and Rachel was telling Ross about how her job is for her and that she likes to keep that to herself. So I'm thinking that it's a good idea. I mean, there are places you like to go (or at least I have certain places) that you like to think of as your own. I suppose it's good to have certain things to yourself. It's just something that you can always have and be dependent upon, I suppose. Not that you can't be dependent on your significant other... but I guess it just feels good to be able to know you can stand alone sometimes, even if you don't have to.

Something stung me on the back of my head today. I'm so not amused. It hurts like a bitch, too. So I went to the University Health Center (aka Tang Center) and waited an hour an half for them to look at it for two seconds and say, "Yep. You were stung. But the stinger is gone and it's not really swollen, so just take some Tylenol and you'll be fine." Grrr.. Freakin' bugs that sting!!

Now I know what it's like to be a grader. Geez. People COMPLAIN! Goodness. But oh well. What can ya do?
So I had to go to 8am math discussion today because I thought there was a quiz. Was there a quiz? NO! That's so upsetting. I woke my ass up to go to that class only to find out that the quiz was moved to Thursday. And you KNOW that means I have to wake my ass up at 8am AGAIN on Thursday to take it. I don't know HOW I ever did 0 period in high school at 7am. What the heck was I thinking??

Had some Pasta Pomodoro today. I'm really, REALLY craving dim sum. Mmmmm... dim sum. But anyway. Wasted most of my day just napping. I should've been doing homework or reading or anything at all. But no. I slept. =] Oh well. My weekends pretty much consist of catching up on sleep I've lost in the past week. And that's the way things go for me. =] Ooh. Got a new Robert Downey, Jr. wallpaper today. He's so cute. =] Okay. That's about it.

Finished my CS project tonight. C is a pain in the butt with the manual allocation of memory and whatnot. PAIN! But yeah. This project was a million times easier than the ones in 61B (which I took over the summer) and it took SO much less time to finish. Thank goodness. I can't handle another 61B. =]

Went through some of my old OD entries. Wow. I was pathetic. It's funny looking back to the way I used to be. It actually does make me feel better. A lot of times, I'll wonder if I'm still the same person I was four years ago. Actually looking back, I realize that I have INDEED changed (for the better). A little bit of it still hurts, though. Looking back at high school and the way things were always does bring back some pretty low points. I think I've grown/matured a lot since then. I'd like to think my actions support that claim.

"Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great." -Comte DeBussy-Rabutin
I've been lazy all day. I guess I SHOULD be doing homework. Am I doing it yet? Damn. I really need to learn to FOCUS. I'm always lecturing to other people about getting their priorities straight. What the heck is wrong with me?
So anyway. I've got lots of homework to do as well as lots of reading. *SIGH*

Went shopping today... err... yesterday, I suppose since it's passed midnight. Well anyway. Went to Stanford mall for the first time. It was really nice. I'm so jealous. How come they get such a nice mall right next to campus? Berkeley gets crap! I guess that's what happens when the school is located in the ghetto. So I bought a shirt and a sweater from abercrombie (yes, that is correct as lower case since it's the kid's store). I also bought a shirt and a tank top from Banana Republic. Then I bought two pairs of jeans from Macy's. HURRAH! Shopping!! I haven't been shopping since FOREVER. It felt SO good to be in a mall again. =]

"In order to love, you must risk pain." -Travis Lutgen
It's amazingly hot today. You wouldn't believe it. I think I'm melting. Class was boring, too. Hot weather and boring classes as a combination is not a good thing. It makes Tammy go sleepy-bye!

"To let a fool kiss you is stupid. To let a kiss fool you is worse." -Anonymous
Saw this cool box set collection of Hayao Miyazaki movies (My Neighbor Totoro, Princess Mononoke, etc) on eBay. I, unfortunately, have not the money to pay for them. Woe is me. I guess I'll have to wait until I get some cash on hand.

"Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got." -Murphy's Laws of Sex
Finished lots of homework today. I'm so proud of myself. =] I've still got a lot of reading to do, though. What a drag. That's the life of a student. I suppose it's better than actually working. How scary.

"For all the sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest of these: 'It might have been.'" -John Greenleaf Whittier
Went to Best Buy to buy Sleepless in Seattle since it was on sale for like $9. But no. They were out of stock. I was not amused.

It is simply not my day. They put me into a stupid math discussion at 8am. It doesn't even fit my schedule. I asked to be put in a specific one... do I get it? NO! And when I look at the enrollment, there are 3 available spaces in the section I DO want. GRRRRR. That means I get to go talk to the head TA AGAIN tomorrow. BLEGH. What a pain in the ass.

"It's not missing you that kills me ... It's knowing I once had you in my life that does." -Anonymous
I take a lot of things personally. You don't like me? Then there must be something wrong with me. I always had the tendency to try to make people like me. I thought I overcame that, but maybe not. I thought I had changed a lot, but maybe not. Am I still that same scared little girl in the corner?

Woohoo! I've gone wireless! Now all I need is the LCD monitor to match it. =] But that won't be for awhile since I have no dinero. No tengo dinero! (Wasn't there a song with that phrase? I keep hearing this melody in my head).

My schedule is packed. Somehow, I managed to watch all 200 episodes of Sailormoon. How did I ever manage?

I need to learn how to put a cap on emotions. I shouldn't let things get to me as they do. I blame it on high school. I blame everything on high school.

Reformatted my computer today. But no. My Task Manager STILL hates me. Grrrr. Dumb computer...

Going back to Berkeley tomorrow. I think I'm ready to go again. Every time I come back to Torrance, I feel as though nothing has changed -- I still feel like the spoiled, immature brat I was in high school. It bothers me. It's like I haven't changed at all when I know well enough that I've changed a million times over. I think maybe that's why I need to stay away from this town. Or at least not spend too much time here. Maybe it's because I tend to reminisce about high school times with my friends here because that's all they know of me. Not that they don't know about my life in college, but it's really hard to tell them about things since they haven't experienced the same things and haven't been hanging out with the same people. I think they all feel the same way because all of our conversations revolve around, "Remember when...?" And when I start to think about it again, I just get angry. High school was so superficial... but then so was I. I'd like to think I've changed, but coming back here makes me think twice. Am I just someone else when I'm here?

I can't believe it! By some UNKNOWN MIRACLE... I got an A in 61b! That just TOTALLY made my summer worthwhile.

You know there are issues to be dealt with when the mean on a final is 15/45. Gosh. That's so pathetic. 61b is the most depressing class EVER!

"The notion that there might be a better or more convenient time to love has cost many people a lifetime of regret." -Leo Buscaglia
I became really annoyed with everyone and everything earlier tonight (8/11). I think I was pissy because I didn't really want to be programming, I was hungry, my sister was being uncooperative, and I had no cash. I don't know. And then I saw Desmond and it all went away...

I'm SO ready to go back to Torrance and hit the beach. I can't wait until this class is over. School starts a week after that, but anything is better than all these nights at Soda.

Capture the flag... Trap Tammy in Soda. It's all the same. So tired. So sick of this.

Music generator, MY ASS. Freakin' CS homework. CS is going to be the death of me. My life? Soda Hall, of course! Come search for Tammy in the dungeons of Soda Hall! Now I know why they put the labs underground: they don't want people committing suicide while programming in the wee hours of the morning by jumping off a ledge. They gotta put you as close to the ground as possible.

Ouch. That hurts.

"Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right." -Woody Allen
So I'm tired. Exhausted. I want to fall back on my bed and just lie there doing nothing. But no. I have to write CAPTURE THE FLAG in Java. Isn't that just lovely? Can you sense the bitterness oozing out of me? Never again! Summer is for FUN IN THE SUN, not PROGRAMMING IN A DUNGEON.

"What kind of love is this that keeps me hanging on despite everything it's doing to me?" -Sarah Mclachlan
So my midterm is today. Hooray. I'm not nearly close to being adequately preprared, yet I'm taking the time to write in my blog. Hmmm. I really need to get my priorities straightened out.

"The knowledge that can destroy a person is knowing that the one you love cannot love you back." -Anonymous
So I've been moody of late. I think it's because I'm on my rag and whatnot. Not that this has ever happened to me before. I woke up from my nap and my place looked so empty and I just got really upset. Then I looked at some pictures of friends back home and I got really sad. I shouldn't even be thinking abuot high school because it's always made me really upset and angry. So yeah. I know I've been kind of *strange* and snappy, so I'm sorry.
It's because I'm a girl. (Isn't that the BEST excuse?)

Even though this class is killing my life outside of it, I must say that I'm glad I'm taking it now.
I find that I was really quite isolated last year. I guess living at Foothill can do that to a person. You kind of just form your group around the suite you live in. You don't really get the social atmosphere of the regular dorms. But whatever. So yeah. I didn't really get to know anyone else outside of my dorm. Well, besides Desmond and his friends. Like I never really talked to anyone in my classes. If ever had to work someone, I'd either pick someone random and forget his/her name after the class ended or I'd pick someone who I had some relation with (e.g. Charlie --> Ken's roommate --> Jon's high school friend --> my suitemate). But being in this class has really taught me to talk to everyone and I've met so many people (even if it is in the dungeons of Soda Hall).
This does not make me hate the work load any less because I still hate it. I'm stressed out all the time and this class makes me feel incredibly stupid. I've never had the feeling like I couldn't do something before. This class makes me feel it. But I'm not alone in it.

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go." -Herman Hesse
Spent the day in Soda. What a bummer. But I guess that's the life of a CS major. I think CS has made me dull. It used to be all about learning and expanding my horizons. These days, I dread going to class, spending my days and nights in lab, afraid that I won't finish homework. It's really made me despise school.

Who needs meaningful variable names when you have shmeh1 and shmeh2? Let's not forget o, oi, and oii. Heh. =]

"I know something about love -- you gotta want it bad. If that guy's gotten into your blood, go out and get him. If you want him to make your heart sing out.. if you want him to only think of you... here's the thing to do: Tell him that you're never gonna leave him. Tell him that you're always gonna love him. Tell him; tell him right now."
This is where Ally would run after Billy, Larry, Victor, or whoever. Her theme song is so great.

Finally finished with project 1 in my cs class. I was ready to die. Stupid spreadsheet.
But yeah. I've been pretty busy as of late. It's quite depressing. I don't have time to do anything else except program. This is what happens when I take such a hard class in summer school. Eh. Not much I can do about it now. Everyone else is dropping (or has already dropped) and I'm kind of upset because there's not going to be too many people for me to partner with on homework, projects, and whatnot. I'm not about to drop the class since I don't believe in quitting... so yeah.
I'm not too amused with the weather lately. Is it hot or is it cold? C'mon! I have class in the morning AND in the afternoon. I don't want to have to change clothes because it gets hot later. And then it gets all cold and I have to change back.
I know I'm being whiny... but it's my BLOG. So there.

So much for "DAILY DOSAGE." It's been awhile. It's been a strange week. I think everyone will start to feel better once it's over. I'm ready for a vacation.