I am SO ready to go back up north. I guess I had forgotten how boring it is in Torrance. Eh. But what could I expect? "There's no dancing in Torrance!" Sigh. So sad.

So I was hanging out with Christine tonight and we went to Chili's for a late dinner. There was this really cute waiter there (as always since they like to employ cute guys). Anyhow, we asked our waiter for the other waiter's name and whatnot whatnot. Then we were discussing pick up lines and we decide to use one on the cute waiter. I consult with Brian to make sure it's not a crappy pick up line. He thinks it's amusing, so we decide to use it. So the cute waiter comes along with our bill (I guess our waiter had him bring it to us) and he's about to leave, so Christine says, "Wait. Come back here." Whereupon she says, "So I was wondering.... is that a keg in your back pocket?" And he's kind of confused and asks, "A keg?" She says, "Yeah... because I'd really like to tap that ass!" Hahahaha. We were amused. He kind of laughed and then left. Eh. It would've worked on me.

Well, I'm back in Torrance. I got in around 3 this morning. What a LONG drive. I guess I had forgotten what it felt like to make that drive. Bleh. Then I get to drive back up in January (but at least I'll have my Solara this time around).
So I went to the Raiders game on Monday. Wow, they suck. So disappointing. But it was fun. I met Brian's brother, too. He's amusing. =] So it was all good.
Didn't do a whole lot today. Had lunch with my mom and then went to get boba with Kazu. Good times, good times. I'm supposed to go hang out with Bryant later tonight. I called Robert, too, but I think he's spending time with his family and I wouldn't want to intrude on that. My sister went to Vegas for a couple of days. So yep. Pretty much home alone with my mom. I wonder how long the peace is gonna last. Haha.

Well, the semester is over. School-wise, I think this has been the worst semester to date. After taking cs164 (compilers) and cs170 (algorithms), I just realized how little I care for CS. This isn't the major of my choice and I no longer have any motivation to do well in it. Before, I had at least a little bit of interest in what I was doing and I always had the motivation to do well. But this time around, I just couldn't get myself to do it. I now have this feeling of strong dislike for the subject, bordering upon hate. I can't imagine myself programming at a computer for the rest of my life; that's not the path I want to take. I laid out my plans for my future before I decided upon coming to Berkeley. I thought I would be fine getting a Bachelor's degree in computer science, to please my parents. And later, I would go back to school and do what I wanted to do with a Master's degree. I still have that plan, but it becomes increasingly difficult to feign interest in a subject I care so little for.

I wrote this over Thanksgiving break while I was sitting at home in Torrance. I guess I just didn't get the chance to post it:
For the first time in a long time, I looked through the box of all the stuff that Tony gave me (the one I stuffed into my closet because I couldn't stand looking at it anymore). I had forgotten that I had written so many letters to him, letters I didn't even give him. Looking at them now, I'm so glad I didn't give them to him. I think they were supposed to be therapeutic in writing and weren't meant to be read by anyone but me. As I read through them now, it's like a whole different person had written them. I had almost completely forgotten what it felt like to feel that naive first love. I had almost completely forgotten about how I felt about Tony. It's kind of sad, actually. I never wanted to forget that feeling. I guess it just faded away into the past. But reading them again now, I remember how hard it was for me to let go, how much it hurt to give up on my first love. I remember those nights when I stayed up crying because I was afraid I'd never feel the same way about anybody else. I remember being greatly saddened because I wanted to be a part of his life in some way, even if I wasn't his girlfriend... yet I was still pushed away. And as young as I was, I really do believe that it was love. That's simply because I have always wished him all the happiness in the world, something that he couldn't find with me. As much as he ever hurt me, I still think about him; not that I want him back or anything, I just like to think back on those days and smile. We were so young and naive, yet those feelings could still be evoked, proving once and for all that love doesn't have to do with age.
As much as the whole thing ever hurt me, I'm really glad it happened. I wouldn't be who I am today if things didn't turn out the way it did. I became a whole lot stronger after the incident. I don't really blame anybody for it anymore. It's something that everybody has to experience. To lose love is to appreciate it even more when it's there. I think, in a lot of ways, it really helped me learn more about life, love, as well as people. Most of all, I learned how strong I was. I know it's something that everybody goes through: the loss of love. And as much as it hurts in time, it eventually fades away. I'm glad I didn't let it affect my ability to be happy.
Then there was Eric. Even thinking about it now is difficult. A couple of weeks ago, Brian asked me about him and at first, I didn't want to talk about it. Eric and those events were shut away long ago and I didn't reveal much of it to anybody. I just chose to forget about it rather than deal with it. But in a lot of ways, that wasn't good for me because it's just been festering inside of me for so long. I just refuse to think about those times and how young, immature, and gullible I was. After thinking about it for awhile, I told him about it. Brian's the first person I've really opened up to about it. It gave me a feeling of relief, like I had finally lifted this weight off of my shoulders.

Here's something I wrote as a reminder to myself to not be fooled by any guy:

Will you be there on rainy days?
Will you be there when I call?
I need to know, so tell the truth --
Will you catch me if I fall?

Do you really care for me?
Do you know me as a friend?
Can I always count on you?
Will you be there 'til the end?

Would you hold me if I cried?
Will you be there by my side?

Some things are best left unknown...
These answers may decide our fate
So if you love me, then tell me so.
It's now or never else it be too late.

Tammy reviews Final Fantasy X-2:
This is the first game in the Final Fantasy series to be a true sequel. It definitely strayed from the conventional style that has defined Final Fantasy in the past. Game play was non-linear; given an airship early in the game, the player is free to move about the fantasy world of Spira as s/he chooses. Each location provides "missions" for the heroines to complete; it's very Charlie's Angels-esque. The story is much lighter than its predescessor, complete with more upbeat and fun music (although, composer Nobuo Uematsu is noticeably absent).
Expecting a whole lot more after the amazing game that was Final Fantasy X, FFX-2 was a bit of a disappointment. It was extremely girly and cheesy. But what can you expect from girls like Yuna and Rikku? I also missed the Crystal Theme that is usually present in traditional FF games. That's not to say the music wasn't good because it was. What was most frustrating of all about this game was that there was no possible way I could've completed 100% of this game without a guide. That's a bit annoying since I'm a strong advocater of beating a RPG game solely based upon your own adventuring skills sans a walkthrough. That simply wasn't possible with this game. And once we found out there was an extra ending scene for getting 100% completion of the game, there was no stopping us. (By us, I mean Brian and me). Which meant we spent six hours levelling up to their maximum capacity and then proceeding through the extra "dungeon" of the game (a 100 level 'cloister') to meet a fiend that supposedly had the highest level on every stat (i.e. 999,999 HP, 9999 MP, etc). How the hell were we supposed to beat that without some sort of hint as to how to go about it? Consider the fact that this fiend could hit in the range of (20,000-50,000 HP) whereas our max HP was 17,000. Without some sort of guide, we would've never gotten through it. What hell. After finally completing the game, we got that extra scene. Let me just say that it was the BIGGEST disappointment of all. It wasn't even a real cut scene! So my suggestion to you if you're planning on playing this game (or already are), DON'T bother trying to get 100% completion or going through the Via Infinito Cloister of Trials in Bevelle. Don't do it!
In any case, it was a nice distraction from school. I guess I should go study now =].

Back in Torrance for the brief Thanksgiving break. I wasn't supposed to come home this year, but then plans change. Brian and I were supposed to stay up in Berkeley and have a nice, quiet dinner to ourselves, but obviously, that didn't turn out as planned. Turns out, my sister is on vacation in New Zealand (along with Rick). My mom is in Shanghai (doing who knows?). My dad is in Europe on business. So of course, they need me to come home and take care of the house and dog. Shmeh. That's the way the ball rolls.
Anyhow, Brian is coming down later to spend Thanksgiving with his family. Since I'm all alone here, he invited me over. It's a little scary because it's kind of a holiday to spend time with family and whatnot, so I feel a little out of place. Well, you all know how uncomfortable it is for me to be around family during "family time." Actually, being around family in general makes me a bit queasy. I just don't know how to deal with parents; I just want them to like me and approve of me dating their son, you know? In any case, I'm going to pick up Brian from Ontario airport and then we're driving to his mom's place together. Kind of far from Torrance, but what can I say? I love the boy and just want to see him.

For everything it's worth, I never meant for things to be hard for you; it was something between me and him. And a warning for you, too. You're in for a hell of a ride.

"She thinks she's fine -- fine enough to blow ya mind! She thinks she's bad -- get on the floor and shake that ass!" -Britney Spears, (I Got That) Boom Boom
Damn. Britney's hot. =] "I got that boom boom that you want. Whatcha need all night long -- hurry up before it's gone! I don't think you should wait or it might be too late!" All she has to do is use that sexy, raspy voice of her and she exudes sex appeal. Yeah, yeah. I know she can't sing, but DAMN! SHE'S HOT!
So I'm going to "review" Britney's latest album In The Zone. This is definitely the most daring of all of her albums. It's completely different from her previous albums. All the songs have a dance and R&B style to it. It takes some getting used to because it's so different from her usual pop songs. But after listening to it a couple of times over, the songs are definitely starting to grow on me. The lyrics are raunchier -- "Another day without a lover, the more I come to understand the touch of my hand." *shrug* I guess we'll see how that goes. =]

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall..." -Confucius
I think this is something everybody needs to realize.

So I've been thinking about how much I've grown since coming to Berkeley. It's interesting how events really change a person's thoughts, ways, and beliefs. Coming out of high school, my friends were the most important people in the world to me. After all, "boys come and go, but friends are forever." After everything I went through in high school, I knew who my friends were and I knew they would always be there to answer my call. I remember telling my ex about how I would sacrifice anything for them, even if they asked me to give up on a guy I happened to be dating. Isn't that ironic?
Friendship is more than just an acquaintance; it means so much more. S/he is someone who wants the best for you and stands behind you in every decision you make, even if s/he disagrees with it. S/he is someone who is always right there behind you, ready to catch you if you fall. And you know it's a true friend when you don't have to "look behind you" to make sure that s/he is still there supporting you. I feel lucky to have friends who are all of those things; some people aren't that lucky.
Beyond that, I've learned so much more about myself and what I want and need in life. After being in a relationship for five years, with some guy or another, I went without for a month and then jumped right back in. It's not so much because I don't know how to be alone, but mostly because I've learned not to question myself -- to seize the day. But in that month that I was by myself, I realized that I could be fine on my own. All this time, I was scared to be alone because I didn't know what to do if I didn't have anyone to tell me how great I am, how much they love me. It wasn't until I was truly alone did I realize that I didn't need people to tell me that as long as I believed it. At first, it was difficult because I had been pummelled down to believe that I was worthless, that I didn't deserve his love, or anybody's for that matter. As hard as I tried, it just wasn't enough... because I wasn't enough. As time passed by, I saw things more clearly as the emotions that clouded my vision slowly lifted. It really wasn't about what anybody else thought about me; I should know better.
Now I realize how much I've missed out on because I was constantly making myself be someone I thought other people wanted. What I didn't realize was that all I wanted was to live life for everything it's worth and to do it for me.

Is this not the sweetest thing ever? =]
"I don't see why people spend so much time looking into the heavens searching for sparkling stars, when the brightest ones are found here on Earth. It is amazing that the one I found was allowed to fall into my arms, as I am continually blinded by the luminescent beauty that radiates from every look, gesture, and smile."
[quoted from Brian's profile]

I had the best birthday this year.
Friday: Had my BIG celebration dinner at Hua-Hin. Yes, yes; it's a Thai restaurant and I don't like Thai food. It just happens to be the only semi-decent restaurant in Berkeley that eveyone could get to (not enough cars to go elsewhere). Anyhow, lots of people showed up (I didn't realize I knew that many people). So I had my suitemates on one side of the table and my CS friends on the other side. But yeah. It was fun. After dinner, we went over to Li's place (thanks for letting me borrow it!) and proceeded to get drunk. Heh. That was fun. I'm quite amusing when I drink. We had an orgy-like thing. After awhile, I kind of just passed out on top of Brian (after making out with him for a good amount of time first, or course). In any case, it seemed like everybody had fun, so that's all good.
Saturday: Ed drove up to celebrate our birthdays (Brian and me). So Holly, Ed, Brian, and I went to House of Prime Rib in San Francisco. Mmm... prime rib... It was really good. Then we had to HAUL ASS to The Geary Theater where we saw Les Liaisons Dangereuses. We were running really late after dinner and we were speed walking for a mile from the restaurant to the theater. We actually made pretty good time. After the play, we headed back to Berkeley where we went to Mondo Gelato for ice cream. Then to our spot...
Sunday: At the lookout spot, I had the most amazing, wonderful moment of my life. Brian gave me a beautiful ring from Tiffany's. From that moment, I pledged myself to him and him to me.... That night, he made me dinner and we had champagne to celebrate our many special moments to come. With him, forever really does mean forever.

As a full-fledged American citizen, I have yet to register to vote. I get the impression that people look down on me for that. "It's a privilege to be living in a democratic society in which you have a say in what goes on." Yes, yes. I get the point. Americans are spoiled because we have a so-called democratic bureaucracy. Well, if votes are so important, how is it that we give the "privilege" of voiting to idiotic, ignorant people? Here is a snippet of a conversation I had with one of these types:
Person: "I hate Republicans. All they care about is taking care of the rich. I'm voting for everything/everyone that is Democrat."
Me: "Uh... do you even know their platforms? Do you even know what half these propositions are about?"
Person: "No. But I'm going to vote anyway because my vote counts and I don't want Republicans to win."
Me: "Uh... all right. You do that."
Person: "Come on. Let's go."
Me: "I'm not registered."
Person: "Why not? There are SO many people who don't get that privilege and you're letting it go to waste? Don't you want a say it what happens?"
Me: "Well, sure. It's a privilege. But I'm not about to make a stupid vote. I'm ill prepared to vote: I don't know the propositions nor the candidates' stands on issues. I'm not about to make a random vote like that. If I had the time, I'd research it all and then I can make an educated decision."
Person: "Whatever. I hate Republicans."
Right. If you're going to argue with me, at least have some kind of argument ready. In any case, after watching the gubernatorial debate last night, I realized how screwed California is. You've got candidates saying that "people leaving California for better jobs in Arizona and Nevada" is just an illusion. Wishful thinking or incomplete knowledge? Then you've got candidates wanting to attack the Bush Administration. News flash. They are in New Hampshire; we are in California. There's gotta be a good 30 states between here and there. Right... Then you've got outirght personal attacks coming from all the candidates about each other smack in the middle of what is supposed to be an educated debate to sway people to your side. Sorry to say, but those petty fights make asses out of those candidates when they should be discussing real issues.
We're doomed. I guess it's time to pack up and move to Arizona or Nevada. Oh, no. Wait. That was an illusion, wasn't it?

Why Brian loves me =] :
10 Things That I Love About You:
10) I love that weird sense of humor of yours, which leaves me speechless and confused
9) I love your bluntness and honesty
8) I love that piercing nagging tone your voice takes on when you complain (which is always)
7) I love your eyes, even though they are small and beady (heheh)
6) I love that weird swaying motion your hips take when you walk
5) I love that I can talk about sports with you
4) I love how comfortable you make me feel
3) I love the warm beautiful smile I am sometimes blessed with
2) I love how you're always a mess
1) I love that in you I have found someone that I cannot live without, a soul mate

You know what? I turned around, left that brick wall, and found something infinitely better. The road was a little scary at first, but I'm so glad I took it. And now, I can't imagine myself any place else because this is the only place I want to be.

"I finally felt that wonderful feeling of terror. You know, that feeling that you get when you're up there without a net." - Ally McBeal
This really is a wonderful feeling of terror. I mean, each time I was with somebody, I knew that I had a safety net. It's kind of scary without one, but so wonderful at the same time. For once, I trust enough in us to believe that I don't need that safety net; if I fell, I know you'd catch me. How do I know this? Because you're my best friend, my twin flame, and everything else in-between. I know I've been mistaken before, but I had made the mistake of trying to patch up old wounds and restructure my broken heart. But with you, I grew a new one, better than the last, and entrusted it with you because you deserve that and so much more. I know, without a doubt, that you'll always, always be with me as I will always be with you.

I love you because you make me feel special.
I love you because you are my best friend.
I love you because you make my stomach do flippy-turns.
I love you because you make my heart skip a beat whenever you look in my eyes.
I love you because you make me laugh.
I love you because you understand me.
I love you because you have always been there for me.
I love you because you put up with my nagging and whining.
Most of all, I love you because you love me for everything I am, everything I'm not, and everything I can be.
One month has gone and passed and I know there are so many more to come... with you.

Ally: Love isn't always enough.
Larry: Yes it is. You go without it long enough, you'll realize it's everything.

Larry: I've been debating with myself whether I should move back to Detroit or Canada just to be closer to Sam, but... truth is, I don't have a choice. The biggest part of me is here and even if I moved away, the biggest part of me will still be here.
Ally: Me?
Larry: You.

From season four of Ally McBeal. Gosh... this show was so great.

I allowed Tony to define high school for me. I WILL NOT ALLOW HEART BREAK TO DEFINE COLLEGE FOR ME. I refuse! I've had the best times of my life in these past two years at Berkeley. I'm not going to look back and allow SOME GUY ruin it for me. This time, it's not all about the relationship (or the end of it)... it's really about the experience.

Finally, CS61B -- Summer 2003 is OVER. I hope all of my students had a good time. I know I did. I still don't think I was a very good TA, but at least I always there for them. I think I was more of a friend than a TA, which is kind of cool, too. But yeah. I hope I made some kind of a difference in their lives. I had fun. I'm kind of sad that it's over, but I guess I'll be seeing more of them in Soda and whatnot. Well, I hope they all do really well in their future endeavors. =]

Twin Flames have no karma to work out between them, there never has been, never will be and come together for no other reason than unconditional love. Twin Flames love each other with no expectation of the other and with no conditions attached to the giving of that love. It is easy to say that you love someone unconditionally but you need to ask yourself could you love this person if for some reason they could not remain with you? Could you give your love to this person with no expectations, not even that the love will be returned or even recognized? Can you love this person for no other reason than there is simply no other option available to you? If you can answer a resounding (and honest) yes to all of the above then you are experiencing unconditional love. But be careful here my friend for Spirit is listening and may put that love to the test, Spirit may require that you prove yourself worthy of this love and place you in a situation wherein you must truly discover if this is an unconditional love by separating you, sometimes only temporarily sometimes permanently, depending on what lessons you have to learn in this lifetime.
Which brings us to another point, Twin Flames are earned not a given, you must prepare yourself to be able to join with your twin flame, it is not an automatic, it is a gift. And as a gift, it is truly a privilege to know your Twin Flame but you must be ready. How do you become ready you ask? Well you will have to learn to love deeper than you ever thought possible and that usually means meeting, loving and losing "near twins" which are in reality Companion Soul Mates. Are you brave and strong enough to be able to risk loving with your heart and soul just to have the dream shattered? If not then seeking your Twin Flame is not for you for you must deepen your capacity to love before you can know unconditional love and that means experiencing pain as well as joy. The more pain you have experienced the more joy you are capable of holding within. Sometimes the cup of love must be completely shattered before it can be built strong enough to hold the love of your Twin Flame. Steel is tempered through flame and your heart must be tempered through pain before it is strong enough to protect the love of your Twin.
When Twin Flames come together they become one, they are not like each other, they are the mirror image of the other. They think alike, they hold the same values and often their life experiences are very similar, sometimes they will actually look like each other. By that they will have similar builds, bone structures and features. This is not however a guide as to whether you have met your Twin Flame or not.
Twin Flames do not teach each other, they learn together and help each other learn the lessons that have been set before them in this lifetime. When Twin Flames come together they join forces and are capable of overcoming obstacles the average mortal could not begin to face. They are so filled with unconditional love they literally glow with it and have much to share with others. They are the inspiration that poets write about and singers sing about.
Another warning I would give at this point is that it is important that we avoid the trap of measuring each relationship against what we believe a Twin Flame to be. For by doing this we lose the opportunity of experiencing all the love that is placed in front of us. Keep in mind that no matter what, if we are to be with our Twin Flame then it will happen and by experiencing the loves placed before us by Spirit we are preparing for the day that we meet this special, special person. We also need to keep in mind that we are not destined to meet our Twin Flame in each and every lifetime. The chances of meeting this one perfect mirror is very slim, it does happen and it seems to be happening more now than ever before, but there are no guarantees.
Personally I feel it is more important to be aware of the different types of Soul Mates than it is to seek this one perfect relationship, or to label each relationship we have. Simply knowing this information is more often enough for it helps us understand why we feel such strong connections to people. This is the reason that I have stopped leading the Discussion Groups in SpiritWeb Chat on Sundays on this topic, I felt that there were people that were putting on the blinders to other relationships and searching only for the Twin Flame, please don't do that. This is not the intention behind this sharing of information.

Soul Mates and Twin Flames are not the same thing. Soul Mates are other souls that have agreed to connect with you on this planet for a purpose. In some cases it is to clear up karma, in other cases it is to finish unfinished business, and for some it is to accomplish a particular goal together. These relationships may be a joy to be in or these relationships may be a pain in your life. Either way they are here for a reason.
When Soul Mates first meet they sometimes feel as if they already know each other. They may feel very familiar to each other. Soul Mates can have a beautiful relationship together, but it will take work. Soul Mate relationships may last a lifetime and others may only be for a particular purpose and be temporary. You can have more than one Soul Mate in a lifetime.
Twin Flames are very different and very rare. Twin Flames are two people in two separate bodies that share the same Soul. Twin Flames meet each other in their first incarnation so that they remember the soul frequency of the other being. They are then usually reunited on their last time to this planet. If Twin Flames meet before they are ready they can be the total opposite and not at all compatible. When Twin Flames meet and are ready for each other, it is the most enjoyable experience possible on Earth.
At this point, Twin Flames are almost identical. They truly compliment each other and it is a hardship for them to be apart. As an outside observer it is sometimes hard to distinguish the two people. They also have a very strong bond and often have telepathy with each other. Their lives even before meeting each other have many parallels. Again, meeting your Twin Flame is very rare on this planet.

Friday: I had the most amazing date ever. First we went to a vegetarian restaurant, Millenium, since I was on a vegetarian streak again. Then, we went to see the musical Chicago at the Golden Gate Theatre. The music, the setting, and everything else was so amazing. I really enjoyed it. Then we headed on back to Berkeley and had some gelato at Mondo Gelato. And after that, he took me up toward what is now known as "The Rice Crew's Spot" to see the view (it's somewhere up the hills). It was so beautiful. Everything was so perfect. I've never had a guy plan out a date like that for me. It was so wonderful and I didn't want the night to end. Thank you, Brian, for the perfect date and the perfect company. =]
Saturday: It seems our summer is coming to an end. =[ Ed's leaving. So for his last night with us, we went to Houston's for dinner. Brian and I decided to drop the vegetarian thing so we could properly say goodbye to Ed. The food was SO good. Awwww. We're gonna miss Ed a lot. He certainly made this summer fun and interesting. We'll miss you!
Thank you to everyone who made this summer a memorable one. There have been a lot of ups and downs, but my friends have stuck by me until the end. I love you guys. Thanks for turning this summer around and making it the best one yet. I know we've got many more memories to share and I'm glad it's with you guys. =]

What exactly keeps a person from being with somebody who is emotionally, spiritually, and physically compatible with you? I'm feeling a lot of things at once and it's very confusing. But damn! I didn't know there was SUCH physical compatability.

Day 8: Since I've become vegetarian, I've lost a lot of energy. I totally can't lift anymore. It's kind of sad. Well, I tried. I could do one set, but that was about it. Yeah. And then back on down to box. Fun! I'm actually kind of glad all those negative emotions made me turn toward working out. I've lost weight and have become more fit. I like my body like this! So pretty. =] Hahaha.

Had quite the eventful day yesterday. Went through every human emotion possible. Since Brian had won so much money the previous night at Cache Creek, he decided to treat the Rice Crew out to lunch at California Pizza Kitchen. Afterwards, we headed over to Best Buy and Toys R Us to buy video games =]. That was pretty exciting. Brian bought me Bomberman for my GameCube.
While we were in the parking lot of Best Buy, some stupid woman in a Chrysler decides it would be fun to back out of a parking space without looking back and hit Brian's car. We were not amused. So she gets out of the car, looks at her car and says, "Thank God!" Her car seemed perfectly fine. Then she looks over at Brian's car and says, "It's okay. Everything's fine. Nothing happened." So Ed (who is in the passenger seat) looks out the window and looks at the front right side of the car (the part she hit) and it was obviously NOT okay. So the woman goes off about how there's already dents in Brian's car and that she didn't do anything to it. We're kind of pissed off because OBVIOUSLY, she hit the car and there was damage. So the guy in the passenger of her car gets out and goes off about it, too. By this time, I'm already pissed off, even though it's not my car. So we all get out of the car to look at the damage. The guy is going off about how you just have to "push it back in" and that it'll cost $75. Well, when I looked at it, I knew that there was no way in HELL that it would cost less than $500 to fix. So I say something to the extent of, "That's going to cost way more than $75 to fix." So the guy looks at me and says, "Well, little girl, how many cars do you own? I've owned a lot of cars and I know how much things cost." I was SO PISSED. I would've btiched him out if it was my car they had hit, but since it wasn't, I didn't feel that it was my place to start shit. Anyhow, they didn't want to go through the hassle of insurance, so the woman gave Brian her license number and phone number. After they went in to Best Buy, we called the number and realized it was a fake. So Brian goes peeling back into Best Buy to hunt them down while Ed and I take pictures of her license and other crap to identify the car. She claimed that she had just moved and must've given her old number. Whatever.
Since we were all pretty frustrated by the whole thing, we decided to go to Malibu Grand Prix for a night of fun. I drove this time around. Ed and Brian wanted to drive the go-karts, so Holly and I decided to be their passengers. I think Brian tried to kill me. Haha. Kidding, kidding. I completely trust Brian with my life and I don't think he would ever SERIOUSLY injure me. So anyway, it was pretty fun, except I kept getting tossed around the kart and the seat belt was digging into me and hurting me. Otherwise, fun stuff. Then we headed over to the arcade area. Brian and I were competing against each other in that Hot Shot Basketball shooting game thing. I totally kicked his ass. It was great. Haha. =] I had fun with it. Then Brian and Ed went to the batting cages while Holly and I cheered them on. Heh heh. "Go, Rice Reject! Go, Rice Bucket!"
On the ride back to Berkeley, we saw a Porsche Carrera and Brian and Ed were like, "Follow it, Tammy! Don't let it smoke your Camry!" Haha. So I spent about a minute trying to stick with it, but then I hit a trafficky area and it was pulling crazy cuts that I would never be able to make in my Camry. So we lost it. =[ But it was still pretty fun.
After getting back, Brian hung out with me at my apartment playing Bomberman. I beat him at that, too. Haha. I was TOTALLY on a roll. But then I got tired so we stopped playing and we just talked. I guess we pretty much always go back to talking about the same thing. I think I've become a bit more resigned, like Brian. *shrug* Who knows? Anyhow, we went to bed around 3am. We didn't realize it was that late and Brian didn't feel like driving home, so he stayed over. It was pretty... interesting... and a bit... confusing. I mean, he's stayed over plenty of times before and it was the same. But uhma... yeah. Ask either one of us about it. I'll be embarrassed and Brian will giggle. I woke up feeling all disoriented and confused.
I think there's a lot of validity in Brian's claims. But somehow, I could never see it that way. Last night made things a little bit different. More on this later.

Heh heh heh. =] I hung out with The Rice Crew (minus Charlie) tonight and we went to Cache Creek (Indian casino). Heh heh heh. Brian and I were at the black jack tables while Holly and Ed played the slots. Heh heh heh. I'm all giddy. I left with $60 more than I went in with! And Brian! He was $100 up! Heh heh heh. We had fun. *giggle giggle* I was on a GREAT streak at black jack. I played for like 15 minutes and was up $60. I had decided before we went in that I would stop at plus/minus $50. I didn't realize I had hit the $50 and bet another $10, hence the extra. I really wanted to keep playing because I was on a winning streak, but decided that I should quit at my limit (I have strong will power!). Then I went with Ed and Holly to play the slots. I won them some money, but then they lost it all. =[ Then Brian came to find us and he was up $100! He was all happy and peppy. It was good. We all had fun. =] Afterwards, Brian and I took a picture of all our money. Heh heh heh. We're dorks.

I had quite a busy day yesterday. I finally slept until a semi-decent time (9:30am). I find that I've been unconsciously waking up at 8am every day. I hate it when there's so much crap going on in my mind that can't even sleep. I haven't taken the sleeping pills again, so you guys don't have to worry about me. Yoga is actually a better solution than sleeping pills. Anyhow. So I got up and went online for awhile (talking to Christine and Chris). Then, all of the sudden, it was noon and I hadn't showered. That was bad since I was supposed to meet Carolen for lunch at 12:30pm. So I quickly showered, got dressed, and hauled ass to campus. We had lunch at Stuffed Inn, as always. But now that I'm vegetarian, I've lost all appetite, so I didn't eat very much. Then I hung out with Carolen in Soda while she held office hours. Afterwards, I headed down to lab. Then, after lab, Robert came and picked me up from Soda so we could go to dinner at Macaroni Grill (mmm...). That was a lot of fun! Since it was still early, we decided to catch Tomb Raider 2. Wow. Angelina Jolie is HOT. I still think she's got huge lips, but DAMN! Anyhow, I had fun. It was a good day.
So there's this one scene in Tomb Raider where Angelina Jolie PUNCHES a shark in the face. I was highly amused/impressed. Now THAT'S how I want to fight. =] That would be FABULOUS!

How have you been lately?
Fabulous. The weather is fabulous. My friends are fabulous. My family is fabulous. Absolutely fabulous.

Day 7: Did some bench presses and saw a hot girl. She was hot. I kept wondering what major she was in because it definitely wasn't CS. =] Then I did some curls and a leg workout. It felt good. I haven't been to the gym in awhile and I missed the happy endorphins going through my body. Then we (Charlie, Brian, Ed, and I) headed on down to the boxing room. Heh =]. Since we had wraps, we did some REAL stuff. Or at least I felt more comfortable hitting the bag since it didn't kill my hands. It was still a bit uncomfortable because we forgot to bring the tape and the wrap is kind of thin (Ed and Brian took the cloth ones). Charlie was full on going at it and started to bleed, so I had to protect him from the bag. That was fun. Then we headed over to Charlie and Brian's apartment so Charlie could wash up. We took a cool picture of me kicking Charlie's ass! Haha. =]
So I'm vegetarian again. For how long this time? Until my heart is done re-growing. I'm trying to cleanse my body of the past so that I can truly start anew. Even though a part of me would still like to hold on, I know it's really not going to do me any good. So I've had a slight detour from my path in life. So I fell into a huge ditch. I'm not going to sit at the bottom of the hole and rot there. I have to climb out... and every good climber knows to NOT LOOK DOWN. So I just have to climb on out without looking back. I'm working on it.

So I've been totally emotional because I just got on my rag. This is what ALWAYS happens when I get on my period; I get super emotional and anything and everything upsets me. I suppose that's what caused my outburst on that fateful day. That kind of sucks because now I'd have to think about what would have happened if I hadn't had my rag and been all crazy emotional. I suppose it would have happened eventually. And I guess I'm a little less idealistic now. But I'm a bit sad that I've lost that romance... but I suppose it's good that I don't expect everything to turn out peachy. So I used to think that as long as two people loved each other, it was all that mattered and that things would work out if they tried. Maybe not. I've learned that you can be completely in love with somebody, yet s/he is the wrong person for you... and you just have to let go because you know it's best for both of you. Sometimes, you just fall in love with the wrong person, but that doesn't mean you love him/her any less. It takes strength to be able to say, "I love you, but you're not the right person for me" and then let that person go. I guess love just isn't enough sometimes.
I brought my sister's yoga DVDs up with me. There's a section that's supposed to relieve stress. It's actually been really helpful. You do all these stretches and breathing exercises. It's very relaxing. Afterwards, I just feel like lying there and never getting up because my body and mind are so relaxed. It really is SUCH a stress reliever. I recommend yoga to EVERYBODY. And no, I'm not just doing it because it's the trendy thing to do. I really do think it's helpful.
Ooh. Brian and I went to Big 5 today and bought some wraps for our hands; now we're hardcore fighters. =] I also bought a basketball to keep in my trunk so I can be a true "balla." Haha. I'd be like, "Yeah! I have a ball in my trunk! Let's ball!" Then we headed over to Target so I could buy a yoga mat to do my yoga exercises on. Exciting, huh? So yeah. I'm gonna be all toned. It's gonna be great. I'll be in better shape than I was in while running track. That would be SO awesome. AND I'll be able to fight and take someone out. THAT'S GREAT.
Oh. And did you know? "I'm not a playa, I just f*ck a lot." AND... "I'm a mother-f*cking P-I-M-P" Hahaha. =] Gotta love it.

I didn't like this song at first, but somehow the lyrics brings new meaning to the song. I like it. =]

When I thought I knew you,
Thinking that you were true
I guess I, I couldn't trust
Called your bluff, time is up
'Cause I've had enough
You were, there by my side
Always down for the ride
But your, joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out of shame

After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter

Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Never saw it coming
All of your backstabbing
Just so you could cash in
On a good thing before I realized your game
I heard you're going round
Playing the victim now
But don't even begin
Feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave

After all of the fights and the lies
Yes you wanted to harm me but that won't work anymore
No more, oh no, it's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now
And never back down
So I wanna say thank you

How could this man I thought I knew
Turn out to be unjust, so cruel
Could only see the good in you
Pretended not to see the truth
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself
Through living in denial
But in the end you'll see
You won't stop me

I am a fighter and I
I ain't goin' stop
There is no turning back
I've had enough

Thought I would forget
But I remember
I remember
I'll remember, I'll remember

- Christina Aguilera, Fighter

Everybody keeps telling me that there are "more fish in the sea." I think most people don't understand my situation. It's not that I don't believe that I'll find love again; I know I WILL. I never had any doubts about my future happiness. I know that I'm going to get through this an be stronger than I was before. But people just need to understand that I'm in mourning right now. There's always going to be a mourning period, even if you know things will be better in the end. After all, I did lose something and somebody very special and dear to me. I think I have the right to feel the loss for awhile. That's not to say I'm not trying to get better. And if truth be told, I am a lot better than I was a couple of weeks ago. Each day is a new day and my heart grows stronger by the minute. No. I don't doubt that the future holds happiness for me.
I've been thinking a lot about soul mates and what it really means to be a soul mate. I always imagined to people to be half circles simply searching for their other halves. But then there's the idea that perhaps your soul mate is not necessarily "The One." After all, no one understands you better emotionally than your soul mate. But what if you just feel no attraction or chemistry in the way you would feel towards a significant other? Yet... you know there's this special bond between the two of you that binds you together forever. I'm beginning to think that there are two different types of soul intermingling (for lack of better terms). So there's one person that totally understands you and feels your emotions along with you. That is the person your soul intertwines with. Visually, I see two souls just twining together, kind of like DNA. But then there is "The One" who completes you and together, you make a complete circle. I'm not sure if this is just a load of bull shit my mind has conjured up to explain away things. Like, how am I to explain that I feel that I have found my soul mate, yet I was/am not with him and that I was completely devoted and in love with somebody else? I'm not sure. But I always visualized it this way...
I think we've sort of become the joke of the heavens. Here we are, given the greatest gift of finding our soul mate and even realizing it... yet, we are too stupid to do anything about it. We both acknowledge it to be the truth, yet we sit around pining for other people and hurting ourselves when we're right under each others' noses. If we were ever to tell other people that we think we're soul mates, they'd think we were nuts. I mean, we both know it to be true and agree on it, but we aren't together. I don't know. Maybe it's wrong timing. Or maybe we're just total retards. Anyway... I can hear the heavens laughing on us. We've become such a huge joke to them. "Let's put these two soul mates together, make them realize that they're soul mates, and see how long it takes for them to take the hint and actually get together!"
I never thought I'd be in this kind of situation. I was afraid that I wouoldn't recognize my soul mate when I met him, but I was never afraid that I would be too stupid to actually be with him once I found him. I'm thinking that his views are starting to rub off on me. I mean, I really never saw us as anything more than friends, but now I'm thinking maybe one day we'll both realize that we're idiots. I think we just need that extra nudge. Maybe when we lose each other (i.e. one of us moves away), we'll realize how much we need each other. Well, I already know that I need him, but not in that way. It's still kind of hard for me to see us together, but the more time our souls keep intermingling, the image kind of flashes. Maybe one day it will be a clear, defined picture.
As for now, I'm taking it one day at a time. I've been through a huge ordeal in losing somebody I reallly loved and truly believed to be "The One" person I was supposed to be with. Now that he's completely fallen off his pedestal, I must regain my own self worth and ability to love. A heart takes time to grow back. (Yep. I decided to throw the old one away since it's no use to me anymore). But I have no doubt that I'll be better than I was before.

First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ED!!
I'm still not sure if I was ready for that book. A lot of the anger is gone and now there's this ache. It's not outright pain, but it's not much better. I suppose it's getting a little better because I don't want to cry (not really) that it's over, but smile because it happened. For some reason, the memory of katsu oysters flittered into my mind and it made me want to laugh. I think that was one of my fondest memories; it was really those little things when we just spent time being together just for the sake of being together that stand out most in my mind and in my heart. There are some memories that make me smile and be glad that it happened, but then there are other memories that produce the ache I'm feeling... like I've lost something great. January 10, 2002. The day we watched the sun set over Hermosa Beach. It was one of those moments that a person wishes could last an eternity. Don't get me wrong; I'm glad that it happened, but it also leaves an imprint on my heart that doesn't feel too good right now.
I am grateful for everything we did share. Most of all, I'm grateful for feeling the unconditional love that I've only read about in books or seen in movies. I now know that I have the capacity to love somebody to the depths of my soul... and I'm glad. No one can take that away from me.

Day 6: Balled with Brian and Charlie in the afternoon. I tried to shoot 3-pointers, but I simply don't have that kind of strength to shoot that far. Later that night, we went back for weight lifting. Wow. I actually have muscles! I didn't realize they existed in my body!
I hate my subconscious. It's apparently trying to tell me something every time I dream. Blah blah blah. "You need closure." Blah blah blah. Dammit. Just when I thought I could stay angry and not have to feel any of the hurt. I hate it when my heart finally speaks up. Sigh. Guess I will be reading Mars and Venus Starting Over.

Day 5: After becoming un-sore from two days of resting, we headed back to the gym. Brian is NOT a good spotter; he let the bar fall on me while we were benching! Then I did some curls and headed on down to the punching bags. I thought my hands would be okay if I wrapped them in a towel, but no. That wasn't a smart idea. So after one good swing, I started bleeding. That was not fun at all. Eh. At least I had that one good swing.
So my sister brought up a book for me: Mars and Venus Starting Over. It's by the same person who wrote Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. I don't think I'm ready to read this book yet. It keeps talking about "letting go with love" and "allowing yourself to hurt." I'm thinking that this anger I have right now is better than allowing myself to hurt. So... this book is going under the bed for awhile.

Day 4: Went ballin' with Brian, Ed, and Holly. Holly and I got our asses beat, but what did you really expect from two little asian girls against a black guy? We had fun anyway. Since I was so sore, I couldn't play very well, but that's okay.
We (Brian, Holly, Ed, Charlie, Nicole, and I) headed over to the lake by Tilden Park to go swimming. I was trying to tan, so I didn't get in the water. The sun didn't stay out too long since we got there so late. Eh. Then Brian almost drowns. That wasn't too amusing. Afterwards, we hung out and Brian and Charlie's apartment. We ordered pizza and watched Shanghai Knights. It was quite amusing, indeed. Then I picked up my sister from the airport and went to sleep. Exciting, yes?

Day 3: Learned how to "correctly" shoot a basketball. I'm gonna be a "balla!" =] Then headed back down to bench some weights. Finished off with some form and movement work for boxing.
I'm so sore. My whole body is sore. That's not fun at all. Anyhow. We tried to go to Hooters last night (in San Francisco), but it was super crowded, so that didn't turn out too well. I did, however, buy a pair of pink gym shorts and I had them iron on "Sweet Rice" on the ass. =] That's my new fight club name. Holly got one that says "Riceball." Hah. Brian is "Wild Rice," Charlie is "Long Grain," and Ed is "Rice Bucket." We're dorks... in a good way!

I went to the RSF (Recreational Sports Facility, aka the gym) for the first time EVER. They're training me to be a fighting machine. =]
Day 1: Benched the bar. I was so proud of myself. For anyone who knows me, they know my arms are weak sauce. I was surprised I could do the bar at all. Then did some curls, but not too many. Then headed on down to where they keep the punching bags. That was FUN. Ed taught me the correct form on how to punch because I was apparently doing it all wrong. I proceeded to punch the bag with all my pent up emotions. It was very therapeutic. I ended up taking off a lot of skin on my knuckles and fingers, so they kind of hurt now. That's okay, though. It's the good type of pain. It looks like I got into a huge fight with somebody.
Day 2: Benched the bar... and then some. =] That was pretty exciting. Then I did some squats, which is fine by me because my legs are the most toned parts of my body. That was fun. Once more, I went on down to where the punching bags are located. Since my hands were all cut up, I couldn't actually hit anything. I worked on my form and tried using my left hand. That wasn't too pretty. I tried.
Anyhow. I've had so much pent up anger and I just want to be able to take someone out if I really wanted to. Hence, they're making me into a fighting machine. Be careful as to not get on my bad side or you might find yourself knocked out by a small, asian girl.

My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands, standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone wishing all my feeling was gone
I gave my best to you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry
One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I've gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I guess I'm down to my last cry

I realize now that I have to let go. It's not only detrimental to my health, but also to those people who care about me.

"I don't want you trying to get with me and I end up unhappy. I don't need the hurt and I don't need the pain. So before I do, give myself to you, I have to know the truth... If you had my love and I gave you all my trust, would you comfort me? And if somehow you knew that your love would be untrue, would you lie to me and call me baby?"
I'm gonna make sure I know the answers to these questions before giving my heart out again. There's only so many times a girl's heart can break without breaking her spirit, also. So far, I've been careless in who I have entrusted my heart with. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I'm a huge retard. "It's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust."
I suppose I've been too idealistic. I always believed that love was enough to pull a couple through anything. I didn't think any problem was insurmountable for two people in love. "'How do you know when enough is enough?' 'In love, it's never enough.'" That's always made me give 110% into something I believed to be worthwhile. I would've tried anything to make things work because I truly believed that it was something worth fighting for. But I guess it's not enough if the other person doesn't also feel the same way.
I feel like I keep running into a brick wall. So I've reached a fork in the road. To my left, there's a clear path, although a little bit dark. I can see that there's a nice scene lying at the far end of the clear path. To my right, there's a brick wall. I'm not sure what's behind it, but something tells me it's wonderful, although I can't be completely sure. But I want what's behind that wall! Screw the clear path! So I proceed to smack into the wall... over and over and OVER AGAIN. But it's a brick wall. Deep down, I know I can't break it down without help. But I keep trying because I REALLY want what's behind that wall. As the wall becomes smeared in my own blood, I realize that it's not going to come down. I start to give up and walk away, but then a small crack appears and I think I'm making progress. Then the process starts all over again as I keep running myself into the wall.
I have to be some sort of masochist. It's like, "Please. Keep hurting me. I like it." Ugh. For all I know, the clear path might just lead me to the other side of the wall, even if it's the long way around. But no. I insist on breaking down this wall. It's just that I've put so much work into this and I'm not one to give up. But I think it's time that I do let go of it. I'm going to kill myself if I keep smacking into this wall.
I have to believe that everything will work out for the best. I have to believe that things will happen if they are meant to happen. Somewhere along the path of life, roads will cross again if they are meant to. I have to be content knowing that I gave everything I had and leave no regrets behind.

I've had this obsession with getting my heart back so that I wouldn't feel so empty. Kazu's advice for me is to grow a brand new heart because the old one, as shattered as it is, is really no use to me anymore. I'm beginning to think that's the best plan of action. It's best to just let the old one die where it is and make a fresh start with everything.
I look around this path I've been walking on and it seems familiar; I've been this way before. At the same time, the path seems different. I try to think back about the last time I've had my heart broken and how I stayed strong, but it's been so long that I had forgotten the kind of hurt that goes along with it. But I know I've been through it before and I know I can do it again and emerge stronger than I was before.

I'm trying to keep myself busy so that I won't have time to think or to feel. I think I'm feeling... okay. I've been better, but I've been worse, too.
Even after everything, I don't regret a moment. At least I'll always know that I gave everything I had. I would've always wondered "what if..." if I didn't do everything I could to make it work. I guess it's time for me to leave the brick wall and head along down the clear path. I really believed I was strong enough to make everything work. But I can't do it by myself.

It means so much to me that you guys care so much about me. I wouldn't be able to get through this without you.
To my lobster, my best friend, I don't regret a minute of our time together because I've had the happiest moments with you.
My sister bought last minute tickets for tomorrow morning to fly up to Berkeley just to see me. I'm so grateful for the people who love me and will do anything to see me feeling better.

Do you ever feel like crying but not know why? I indulged that feeling today. Sometimes a good cry will make you feel a million times better. Deep down, I know what caused the tears.

If I had one wish right now, it would be to see you smile.
When you see someone you really care about unhappy, it makes you feel down, too. You try your best to make him feel better, yet it only seems to further agitate him. I think it's bad when one person's happiness totally depends on another. What happened to taking care of yourself? You can only take "your pain is my pain" so far.

I had my first section on Tuesday. It was pretty interesting. Actually, I'm pretty glad no one I knew showed up to listen to me teach. I was kind of all over the place and ill-prepared. But I think it should be better today. This time, I'm bringing along a powerpoint presentation I spent an hour coming up with. So yeah. I think it should be okay today. I also have office hours. WOW! I have OFFICE HOURS! =] My students seem to be cool. I have a lot of international students, though. This could be a problem because they seem to have English "disabilities." I'm not sure how they're gonna do. I feel bad enough since I figure this summer session is going to be pretty hard. Probably not as hard as Barath made OURS out to be, but still hard enough that people will be complaining. I guess that's to be expected from 61B.

"Successful test for submission of assignment proj1-code on Mon Mar 3 21:38:00 2003. Your submission of assignment proj1-code at Mon Mar 3 21:38:00 2003 successfully compiled and passed our tests. << All tests passed." Isn't that the most exciting thing ever? =]

Going back to Berkeley on Sunday! That's pretty exciting. I have so much stuff to pack up to go back. I didn't realize how much stuff I bought! I'm a shop-aholic! =] I bought a cute ribbon tank from Abercrombie and Fitch. Also bought the matching underwear. Apparently, it's "skanky cute," in the words of Li. Christine is getting back from Santa Cruz today and we're supposed to hang out later. We're gonna go get food and pick up on cute boys =] Haha. Right. I also bought shoes today to go with my new summer dress. Hurrah for my new wardrobe!

Went shopping today. That was exciting. I bought a cute yellow tank with cherries on it from Forever 21. =] Also bought a cute polo shirt from Aeropostale. Then headed over to the Sanrio store (never too old for Sanrio!) and bought a new pencil case since mine is broken. Also bought a Hello Kitty tote, large enough to fit my laptop. =D Proceeded over to GameStop and bought Street Fighter 3 Alpha on Game Boy Advance (for Desmond). Then headed over to Michael's to buy magnets for my sister. I wanted to sunbathe and get tanner, but it didn't start to get sunny until later in the afternoon, while I was shopping. It's okay, though. Tomorrow, I plan to head over to Galleria to shop.

I've been in Torrance for about a week now. Good times, good times.
Monday: Hung out with the family since my grandmother is visiting from Taiwan.
Tuesday: Tried to work out in the morning. I ran in a mile before I nearly died. Wow. I'm so out of shape.
Wednesday: Took my grandmother out to lunch and then took her shoe shopping. She was looking for a pair of sneakers. But she's looking not just for any kind; it MUST be the kind without laces. She prefers velcro, instead. WHERE, may I ask, AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND THOSE? So I took her to Foot Locker, Lady Foot Locker, and even Children's Foot Locker. Better luck next time, I suppose.
Thursday: Sat my lazy ass at home trying to read over CS material so I won't be completely lost this summer.
Friday: Tried to take my grandmother to one of my favorite Chinese restaurants, but it was closed. That was depressing. Then drove over to this other Chinese place that USED to be good, but now isn't. We had dim sum, but there wasn't too much and it wasn't very good. I tried to pay for the lunch, but she wouldn't let me. She says I can pay when I make money (which I do). Apparently, she's talking about a REAL JOB.
Saturday: Headed over to my cousin's house in Rowland Heights. It's been two years since my grandfather pass away, so we had to do some praying and whatnot. Then had lunch with my family (including cousins, aunt, and uncle) at some Chinese restaurant in Rowland Heights. Apparently, my (older) cousin thinks its funny to joke about the Lakers and whatnot. I, on the other hand, was not too amused.

This week has been non-stop programming. The horrors of programming. It's a nightmare!
I've been pretty moody lately. I think it's mostly because I haven't been out on a night of fun for such a long time. When I finally get free time to do stuff, I'm usually stuck at home sleeping because I have no one to go out with. It's most depressing indeed. Everybody is busy all the time. We could all use a break.
I have a midterm on Tuesday that I'm totally ill prepared for. With emotions running high, I don't really know how my brain has been functioning.

I haven't updated in awhile. I suppose it's because I took the link off of my profile and I've just forgotten about it. Not like much has happened anyway. Same ol'. same ol'.
Went to McDonald's with Charlie and Brian tonight. Some homeless guy kept staring at me and Charlie. We were talking about him in Chinese. Quite amusing. I guess you had to be there.
I did absolutely nothing today. Watched a bunch of episodes of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. I wanted to play video games, but then I realized that I couldn't really start anything as I would not have time to finish it. Quite sad. I wanted to see Bulletproof Monk, even though it looks lame. I like Chow Yun Fat, though. He's cool. =] There are a bunch of movies out for rent that I wanted to see, too. Unfortunately for me, people are busy. Charlie's with his girlfriend at Treasure Island (some AAA thing), Brian's studying, and Holly's MIA. Shmeh.
I need a date.

Back in Berkeley and more stressed out than ever. CS162 project and a philosophy paper. I was so tired this week. It's non-stop work. But oh well. School is important, so I'll deal. I better be getting a damn good job after graduating. Then maybe some more school. Hurrah for me.
STALK? Apparently, I need someone to stalk. That's lovely. According to Brian, I need someone to stalk. A guy, that is. A hot one at that. =] I wouldn't have it any other way.

So I'm back in Torrance. I've been here for nearly a week and nothing has happened. I've been sick, so I can't even go out. Plus, I have no means of transportation as my car is sitting in Berkeley. So I've just been sitting at home, playing with my laptop, and sleeping. Sounds great, huh? Eh. I suppose it's better than stressing myself out in Berkeley.
The point of coming back to Torrance was to get away from Berkeley and certain problems. I was supposed to be able to think clearly with a good distance between me and Berkeley. Unfortunately for me, this cold has not seemed to go away and my mind seems just as clouded. I've been thinking a lot about everything. I looked over a lot of my past diary entries, both online and in my old diary, and it's strange. I mean, I can still remember the events quite clearly, but I can't seem to follow my own train of thoughts. I've grown a lot since then and I think I would've acted much differently knowing what I do now. At the same time, I know that a couple of years from now, I'll look onto the events of today and wonder, "What the HELL was I thinking?!"
I found, however, that my ideals and visions of love have remained the same throughout the years. And now.. here I am. I gave up those very same principles to be with someone that I think may be The One. So then I begin to wonder if I'm sacrificing too much. Would The One really ask me to give that all up? Without those ideals, am I even the same person? I wonder...
I've also been doing a lot of thinking about soul mates. I was watching Sex and The City and there's this episode where Carrie and her crew decide to be each others' soul mates and to see dating as "great, nice guys to have fun with." I think that sort of makes sense. I used to think that your soul mate is the one person you're supposed to be with. In that sense, The One and soul mate was synonymous. But now I begin to think otherwise. I mean, I see it as your soul mate is supposed to be the one person who completely understands you. Not necessarily does this mean that this person is The One. Now I think that The One is just a feeling that you get. Yes, there are some requirements. For example, I may not think that my One completely gets everything I do/think/say, but he must be able to accept me for everything that I am and everything that I am not. In saying all this, I mean to say that it is quite likely that someone you are not romantically involved with just might be your soul mate. And it also may be true that your One may not necessarily be your soul mate. I just kind of like that idea because then I know that although I may never find The One, I'll always have my soul mate to fall back on. And I DO believe that I've found my soul mate.

It's early o'clock in the morning, but I can't sleep because I'm having a coughing fit. My body doesn't seem to like it when I lay down because I go into this fit of coughing. Doesn't look like I'll be sleeping for awhile. Stupid cold. It just doesn't want to go away.
I can't wait for Spring Break. I need some time away from the hustle and bustle of Berkeley. I'm sick of this and I'm ready for the comforts of home. Maybe it'll give me the distance to finally gain a clear perspective on things.

I made out a list of all the people that have made a (positive or negative) impact on my life. It's interesting looking at it. There seemed to be a lot more names/images swirling in my head than actually came out on paper. Looking at it all, I consider myself to be actually quite lucky. I've lead quite a full life for my nineteen years and most of those years seem to have a lot of happy times. I mean, really, what do I have to be sad about? I look at my life right now and it's really wonderful. I have great friends who love me, my family who constantly checks up on me, and I go to a school that I love. So I'm without a boyfriend. If that's the way it goes, then that's the way it goes. Who am I to question fate? Somewhere along my journey, I'm going to be entirely certain who is right for me and I know we'll spend the rest of the way making each other deliriously happy. In the mean time, I'll make do with making myself happy.

"What am I to do with my life? You will find out, don't worry. How am I supposed to know what's right? You just gotta do it your way." -Britney Spears, Overprotected
Christine came to visit on Sunday. I haven't seen her since December, so it was good to hang out with her again. She reminds me that I'm not the only crazy one. =] Haha. So we were talking about past relationships and whatnot. Same ol' thing... Tony was a bastard, we all thought Jeremy was scary, etc., etc. I think we were both really glad that we were always there for each other during those times. So anyway, as for advice for now, she says, "Just do whatever makes you happy. And if anyone hurts you, I'LL KILL HIM."

So Charlie's party last Saturday... it was hot, hot, HOT. Did I mention that it was HOT? =] Yeah. Dancers... they're hot. Heh heh heh.

I spent 16 hours programming yesterday. 16 hours! I'll never get those 16 hours of my life back! My CS group got to Soda at 11am and proceeded to work until 6pm. We then ate some dinner and continued to work. We finished at 3am. Well, we figured out the bugs of one problem and we could compile the other. Unfortunately for us, everybody who was anybody decided to be on all the servers so everything was going super slow. It would take five minutes just to open the editor window! And then you would type something and you'd have to wait a couple of seconds before it showed up on the screen. Sigh. How are you supposed to program under conditions like that??

This month has lasted much too long. I'm ready for it to end. It means I can eat meat tomorrow! =] Much more important than that, it's a new month, away from this horrid, horrid time.
I'm in Soda working on my CS 162 project. It's not going too well considering I don't even know how to test my code. Shmeh. It'll work out. It's due next Thursday. I have a philosophy paper due on Tuesday, but I'm not really worried about it. I figure I'll have it done in 2-3 hours. In the mean time, I'm trying to think up of good test cases for my CS project. The pains of being a CS major. ***POINTS AT KAZU*** SMOKING DOESN'T HELP YOU IN CS!!!

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.
I got that from Ken's profile. It's funny how that hits home.

I was thinking about everything that has happened this month and when I looked up, the sun started to shine through my window. Is this the sign I've been waiting so long for?

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm following wherever my heart may lead me.

"The course of True Love never did run smooth." -William Shakespeare from A Midsummer Night's Dream
I love that movie. I love Calista Flockhart. She's so cute. =]

Valentine's Day turned out better than planned. =]

"True Love burns the brightest, but the brightest flames leave the deepest scars." -Unknown
I've done a lot of dumb things in my life, I admit. But the dumbest thing to date is to allow other people, people I don't even know, people I have no respect for, control what I do. Why should I care what their opinions/actions are? I don't. If you don't know me and you're reading this to find reasons to harass me, then YOU HAVE NO LIFE OF YOUR OWN. What I write in here, in my online diary, in my subprofile, or whatever I do, it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. I do it for me and I do it for MY FRIENDS. I'm LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE REAL FRIENDS. I have FRIENDS that love me and will ALWAYS stand behind me in everything I do, even if they disagree with it. It's hard to find people in this world that will accept you for everything that you are and aren't, but I've found MANY. If you even had ANY idea about what friendship means, you would know that it means to love and to sacrifice. It means supporting your friend's choices and being behind them. They should KNOW that you'll always be right behind them in support... they should KNOW it enough to believe it... they shouldn't even have to look back to check if you're still there because they KNOW that you ARE still there. So in saying that, FRIENDS DON'T GIVE FRIENDS ULTIMATUMS BECAUSE THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE TO SUPPORT EACH OTHER'S DECISIONS. Most of all, FRIENDS DON'T KEEP THEIR FRIENDS FROM GOING WHERE THE HEART DESIRES. It's hard enough to find love in this world, but it's nearly impossible if someone is trying to keep two people in love... apart.
So if you don't know me and you're still reading this, GO AWAY. Maybe you should try to be a better friend instead of acting like a 15 year-old.

I'm a complete emotional mess. I need someone to be here to hold my hand through this. I can't stop myself from hurting no matter how hard I try, how much I tell myself that I'll be okay. I keep thinking back about all the things he's said to me, all the promises he's made to me. I remember him telling me that he feared I would some day refer to him as "just some guy I dated." How I wish I COULD refer to him that way. How I wish I don't love him as much as I do. Then it wouldn't hurt so badly. But I do.... love him. Even through the stubborness and even through the blindness.
They say that if you truly love someone, you're willing to sacrifice anything for him... even yourself. They say that if you really love him, you would give him what he wants. But I can't just be his friend. If I continue on this way, there won't even BE a me for him to have as a friend.
But it's so incredibly difficult. I still want him back and I know I still need him. I know I have to let go, but it's just so hard. I've been fighting for so long and I still truly believe that it's worth fighting for. My heart feels like it's in some sort of a death grip. I can't stop loving him. And one-sided love is the worst feeling.

I don't understand. How is it that someone can give up something so great due to stubborness? It just doesn't make any sense to me at all. If he misses me, if he's sad without me.... why? It just doesn't make any sense! I really don't get it. He says that it's because he's made his choice and that he wants to keep his friend (the one that gives ultimatums... you know... because THAT'S what friends do). How does that make ANY sense? How can it be that he's giving up something so great because of stubborness? People keep telling me that sometimes love just isn't enough. I disagreed with them, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe stubborness can overrule love.
So anyway, I told him not to call me, IM me, talk to me, etc. It's just too hard. I know that I have to let go, but if he keeps doing this, I'll get the wrong impression and keep holding on to something that's not there anymore. I told him how difficult for me it is to be there with him but not REALLY be WITH him. It's so hard to sit next to him and not want to hold his hand, call him "Cutie," and tell him how much I love him. It's just too hard. Maybe I'm being selfish for witholding my friendship, but I really have to care of myself. This whole weekend, all I did was sit by the phone and wait for his call. It was like I had lost the will to do anything else.
Again, I feel that my self worth is down to nil. I need time to love myself again before I can love anybody else. I need time to pick up the pieces of my heart and mend it back together.

I had my break down last night. It was long in coming. I'm not sure what riled it up and finally made it come out... but it did. He knew it, too. I wanted so badly for him to show up at my door to comfort me. I waited for it to happen, but it never did. He was the only person who could've stopped the hurt, but he wasn't there. I eventually did get a phone call, but it seemed like so little... and so late. Maybe that's what he felt like that night I didn't show up. I guess it's hard to understand until you're there. I just kept thinking about how he used to go running when his ex called crying... even if he was spending time with me. I guess it just really hurts knowing that I don't have that same consideration.
He says that he misses me, too. I don't doubt that he does or else he wouldn't call me at all. But if he really misses me that much, why doesn't he do something about it? He knows that I'm just waiting for that moment to come... At the same time, I know that I shouldn't allow anybody to string me along.

I miss him so much it hurts. I don't want to hurt. I almost feel as though I've lost my identity. My world is suddenly crashing down on me and I don't know how to pick myself up. I don't know how to keep going when all I want to do is collapse and cry. I know I just need to take it day by day and just make sure that today is okay and not worry about what may happen tomorrow. My heart is still aching. I know I still have a lot of pieces of my heart to pick up. I'm hoping I will be strong enough to put it all back together.
A lot of people have been telling me lately that I allow people to step all over me. They talk about getting back/even or whatnot, but I'm not like that. They just ask, "Are you really going to let them get away with doing that to you?" I'm not 15 anymore. I'm so much better and more mature now. And I won't stoop down to that level because I'm better than that... I was taught better than that.

"Sweet dreams." I think it's something we've all said in our life time. We just want to wish someone a good night's rest and we tell them to have "sweet dreams." What you consider to be a "sweet dream" might be different from what I consider to be one. One person's nightmare might have once been a sweet dream. I've woken up many times in the past week, not sure what it was that was waking me up, but knowing that it was also keeping me awake because I was too afraid to fall back asleep. The other night, being back in Desmond's arms, even if for a few brief moments, felt like heaven. I was too afraid to sleep, afraid that the moment would pass me by. Knowing full well that it just might be the last time I'm with him like that, I stayed up most of the night, relishing the feel of just being near him, in his arms, and at ease. I didn't want the night to end and when his alarm went off, I wanted to curse it to the depths of hell. These last couple of nights, I lie awake in bed, not sure what to do. And when I do fall asleep, I wake up with a start, not sure what I'm doing alone in my apartment, in my bed. I reach over to grab his hand... but he's not there.
I think the nights are the worst. Usually during the day, I can pretend like nothing has happened. I can just pretend that we're having a busy schedule and can't spend much time together anymore. Plus, I have my friends to keep me company and to keep me sane. At nights, though, I'm just not prepared for the onslaught of sadness and loneliness.

I am so glad that I have friends that love me as much as they do. I just hope that I can be there for them in the same way that they've been here for me. It's hard to find one person in the world that will accept you for everything that you are/aren't, and somehow, I've ended up with six. I love you guys... you know who you are.
I talked to my sister tonight for a really long time. She said, "Whether it was four years or one year, breaking up is hard to do." Having broken up with her ex of four years was one of the hardest things she has ever had to deal with. I'm really glad that she has moved on since then. I didn't really think, though, that she'd really understand how I felt. She should know, though. It's just that I thought she would bring up the time difference issue (4 years vs. 1 year). It's really nice that she listened to what I had to say. In the past, she would've just told me to get over it. We've grown a lot closer and I think we understand each other better now.
"Your friends are a reflection of the type of person you are." Friends care about you. They are the ones that stay by your side when no one else will. They swallow their own pride and wish the best for you. When you find somebody you love, they are happy for you, even if it's someone they do not care for. Friends support your choices. Friends are those people who you know are always behind you in everything you do... you don't even have to look back to check.

I have no words. For once, I HAVE NO WORDS. I don't know how to properly express myself. I looked up at the stars tonight and wondered what was written in them for me. Am I to suffer? Am I to be happy? Am I to be lonely? Am I to be successful? It's hard to say.
I remember that night I spent in Fremont with Desmond and he took me to some huge hill to look at the stars (since I don't get to see any in Torrance). It was really a sweet thing to do. A long time ago, someone I once knew asked me what I thought a perfect date would be. I thought that the ultimate date would be a picnic under the stars. Well, I never got a picnic, but it was just as nice. There's romance in the stars. I don't know what it is about them, but they emit that kind of feeling. Some day, I'll go back.
Have you ever made a wish upon a star? Even though you know it probably won't come true, it just makes you feel immensely better. Like I said before, there's just something about stars. Or maybe it's just me. I remember sneaking out of the house to go for walks at night. I always ended up at "my place." Yep. The swings at La Romeria Park. I used to look up and be really sad that I couldn't see the stars. So I'd stare at the moon. It's such a wonderful, peaceful feeling. I wish it was that simple now. I wish I could lose myself in the cosmics, but now it's just so complicated.

Sometimes, it just hurts so much that it's beyond tears. Sometimes, the love is so true that you stand up strong when all you want to do is crumble because you know they want you to be okay. Sometimes, you're willing to let go because you know it's TRUE. Sometimes... THEY ARE TRUE. Love is there for giving... and in this case, it is better to give than receive. Although it hurts now, the pain will eventually subside. If you really love someone, you'll want them to be happy, even if it's not with you.
People keep asking me, "You love him? Well... are you so sure? Do you really know what love is? What is it, then?"
Love is about opening your heart to someone else, even if you've been hurt before. Love is about one soul in two bodies. Love is about giving it your all, even if you're afraid of getting hurt. Love is finding your better half. Love is not about being with someone you can live with.... but about being with someone you can't live without. Love is about being happy just to know he is, even if he isn't with you anymore.
I strongly believe that you can never "fall out of love" with someone that you truly love. I also strongly believe that things happen for a reason. We all choose to take a certain path. When we get to a crossroad, we have to decide which way to go. You might decide to go separate ways from someone else... but if it was meant to be, those roads will cross again. I believe that THERE is happiness, but there's a lot of pain on the way. But on that journey to happiness, you'll learn truly what it means to be happy. And when you reach that destination and find someone to walk with forever, then you'll appreciate it even more.
I'm a true believer in love because I'm such a hopeless romantic... I wouldn't have it any other way.

I find myself in a place I don't want to be.
It's a brand new year and a brand new me... or is it? A brand new me, that is. I want to say that I have done things to make myself happy, but I find that I have not. "Put yourself out there," they say. I feel that I am out there. But am I really?

Are you in... or are you out? I'M IN! =]

Went shopping with my sister today. I bought her a GameBoy Advance for a late Christmas present. She bought me a cashmere beanie from Banana Republic and Nine West shoes. Remind me not to go shopping with her again. My feet hurt. And I thought I shopped a lot. Apparently not as much.
Was kind of depressed today. I need to go back to Berkeley. I miss my apartment. I miss my boyfriend. But I guess that's only on my side.